the sound of mordor
Friday night, the electrical power being unavailable due to lightning strikes in the neighborhood, I decided to venture downtown to the geek farm where I work and watch RoTK on the theater setup mit mon bhai. That movie certainly has enough Evil Creature Sound Effects; the subwoofer got a thorough workout. Anyhow, just as Frodo et al. were climbing 'the winding stair', I perversely started humming "Climb Every Mountain" — at which point it was inevitable...
The Sound of Mordor
A Story of Warring Orcs, Immortal Elves, and Uncertain Men against the backdrop of the Nazi takeover of Austria
depicting
the Courage of small Furry-Footed Hobbits
and
the Beauty of the Female Singing Voice
with
Magical Rings! ~ Outfits made Entirely from Drapery! ~ Puppet Theater! ~ Slobbering War Trolls ~ a Chorus of Nuns ~
and an Acoustic Guitar!
Love! War!
and
Songs! Songs!! SONGS!!!
"The Sound of Mordor"
The hill is alive with the sound of Mordor (Aaaaaargh!)
The Nazgul have come and they hurt my ears
Their shrieks fill my heart with the sound of Mordor
I grope for the Ring, I will disappear.
The Ringwraiths can see in this gaunt twisted world
that swirls from my Ring-fingered hand
The Ringwraiths just run by my food-loving chums
who won't cook with a non-stick pan
Their sausages beckoned the Nazgul hither
to Weathertop Hill
If you hadn't gone off your diets
I wouldn't get killed!
I should have stayed home - Bag End's warm and roomy
Oh no! A Big Eye! I can't hold my sword.
The Nazgul Witch-King runs his dark blade through me
And I see no more.
"Elrond's - An Elf"
Elrond's - an elf - and Arwen is his daughter.
Dobby's an elf - but he's from Harry Potter!
Elrond's - an elf - Galadriel is too
In Lorien, where all the elves are blue!
Elrond's - an elf - he's played by Hugo Weaving.
Half-man, half-elf - those ears can be deceiving!
Elrond's - an elf - Isildur, man, got greedy
At Dagorlad, when Sauron was defeated!
Elrond's - an elf - he wears a ring of power.
He counsels well, and charges by the hour!
Elrond's - an elf - in Rivendell he roamed.
He's sailing West to the Old Elves Rest Home!
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!
"How Do You Solve a Problem Like Moria?"
How do you solve a problem like Moria?
Open the Elvish gate before you drown?
How do you find your way out of Moria?
How do you bring a cave troll to the ground?
Many a goblin scuttling in the darkness
Many a secret passage to be found
How will we find our way
Back up to the light of day
What will we do if Gandalf is pulled down?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Moria?
How do you fight a Balrog underground?
"Smeagol's Eyes"
Smeagol's eyes, Gollum's eyes,
Wide and roving and sleepless
Pale and white, awake at night
Frodo, he wants to eat us!
Look at him gnawing the juicy sweet,
Juicy sweet poor fishy!
Smeagol's eyes, Gollum's eyes,
Greedy, ravenous, shifty.
"I'm an Elf-Maid, you're a Human"
I'm an Elf-Maid, you're a Human
What are we going to do?
My Elvish daddy's been such a baddy
He says I must leave you.
I'm a Ranger, you're an Elf-Queen,
Should I withdraw my suit?
These things I ponder going to Gondor -
Eowyn's rather cute!
I'm a Elf-Maid, you're a Human
Living out in the wild.
If I forfeit all, I can be mortal -
Come back! I'll bear your child!
"Climb Every Morgul"
Climb every Morgul,
Kill every Orc
Shelob's in the tunnel
Frodo is a Dork
Climb every Morgul
Every winding stair
Hiking into Mordor
Lots of Orcses there
Climb every Morgul
Barad-dur wants Bling
Climb Mt. Doom's volcano
Must destroy this Ring.
"My Favorite Orcs"
Three fingers, flesh wounds, and ulcerous lesions
Hideous features for all Sauron's legions
Brandishing scimitars, waving pitchforks -
These are a few of my favorite Orcs
Spear-skewered Grishnakh wanted to eat hobbit -
Ugluk prevented - but both of them bought it.
Greasy green corpses are popping like corks
There on the pyre of my favorite Orcs.
Quarreling Shagrat stabbed Gorbag and ran on
Took Frodo's mithril mail up to Morannon
Lagduf and Muzgash were shot down, of course.
These were a few of my favorite Orcs.
When the troll grunts
When the warg snorts
When I'm feeling bad
I simply remember my favorite Orcs
And then I don't feel so glad.
23 October 2005
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