God's Word Of The Day:

A 3-yearold boy named Adam (of COURSE) came running into the room at church the other day and delivered His Word:

"DYLAN HAS THE HOT SAUCE AND HE'S COMING!!!"

Say Your Doggone Prayers

The Senility Prayer

Let us bow our heads in prayer:

God, we know we look goofy to you,
but we can't help it.
We get all giddy inside over the dumbest things.
We know not what we're doing.
But we don't wanna know.  Would you?
So there.

Say, "wow", everyone.

(Everyone says "Wow.")

A Prayer For Cafe Utne Absurd Forum Friends

(organ music begins. Sounds like Green Onions) 

Yea, tho I walk through he Valley of The Nook and Bodymind, I fear not the J. Edgar Hooverizers, for I lay me down in Absurd pastures, from whence cometh my Strength.

I am made nekkid and I wobble all over the place, yet feel no shame.

My Cheez comes in the name of Absurd, which is self-explanatory and owes not a goat or ass to any system of logic.

Besides, it's a a lot more fun, too. 

A men. A women. And not a B+ in the bunch. 

Wow.

A Prayer Of Thanks

Dear God, 

Thanks for the Senator Jeffords thing. That was pretty nice.

Thanks for air.

Thanks for making my left calf only hugely swollen, not el-giganticus.

Thanks for Natalie Merchant.

Thanks for loud, raspy crow calls. (I like them.)

Thanks for them spuds.

Thanks for good-nighty alrighty.

.

God's Word Of The Day

God's Word Of The Day (from the home office in Appleton, Wisconsin):

"Schlepping Sushi Sideways Saves Steps."

.

God's Word Of The Day

brrrrrrp brrrrrrrrp... brrrrrrrp brrrrrrrrrp... brrrrrrrrrrrp

Hello?

Mr. Schroeder?

Yes?  Who's this?

Heh heh heh heh!  I got you what you wanted.

You're going to issue the Secret Word Of The Day?

Yes.  It''s "Stu Millers Refuse And Hauling Service"

................

Hello?

That's IT?

Yes.

That's not very profound!

I'm not feeling very profound at the moment.

I was looking for something more like, "The fire of humanity draws modern humans further into the collective unconscious" or something like that... I mean, gawd."

What?

Oh, nothing, nothing.  Shouldn't there at least be an apostrophe after the "r" in Miller?  You know, posessive noun and all that?

That's the way it's spelled on the truck.

Oh! Of course. Well, thanks for the Word Of The Day! I'm sure everyone will be happy to receive it and will feel inspired!

Well, my bus stop is coming up. Gotta go.

Hope you find your way home!

Thanks.  Bye!

Bye!

In-The-Booth Sins

I grew up going to the confessionals and trying to manufacture a credible sin right then and there. Little door slides over. Talk into the screen, "I, uhh, yelled at my brother." Same sin I came up with last 25 times.

I wonder if you could just sin right in the booth and kill two birds with one stone? Of course, there isn't room in the confessional for most of your bigger sins, but the---hey, wait a second---I just thought of something. You could sin by lying--tell the priest you lied, even though you didn't--and that lie in itself will be your sin. In other words, you lied and confessed to the lie at the same time.

But now that I think about it, that's what I was doing all along, and I didn't even know it.  

.

Shellfish

The bible can't be beat for absurdity. In fact, just the other day I saw a man eating shellfish on the sabbath. Imagine that --- shellfish!! Bible says a man who eats shellfish on the sabbath must be stoned.

So I walked over and asked him if he'd been stoned. He said, "No, but I've got a little buzz on from this cough syrup."

God's Word Of The Day

You can call me "Deep Throat" if you have to, but I got a line on God's Word for July 13th, 2000.

I'm not sure I heard right, because a dog ran into my apartment and barked just when He Called, but I think He Said, "Elmer Jenkins's Hallucinatory  Duck Jerky."

From The Real Life Files

Handling Missionaries

I cracked the code one time for dismissing Jehovah's Witnesses from my door. When I lived in a house in a sort of run-down section of Sacramento a black lady and an Asian lady came to my door one day, asking me if I'd read The Watchtower.

You just know there was a Witnessing For Jesus training manual back at their church that lists the possible scenarios and how to respond, and the very last one tells them that, if they find themselves talking to someone who's on LSD (remember, this is California) or is otherwise just a freak, get outta there right away and on to the next home. If you're in the Haight-Ashbury district, keep walking.

God's Word Of The Day

There's a guy I see out in the parking lot of my building all the time. He always looks like he slept in his clothes and just got up 10 minutes ago. He told me God's Word for today:

I just found God's Word For Today.  It was in the owner's manual for a 1989 Chevy Cavalier station wagon, 2.0 liter, 4 cylinder.  The Word is: "auxiliary hose."