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El Niño
As you've probably already heard from your hairdresser, the universe is expanding. Scientists continue
looking for evidence of this and clues as to what makes it expand. Let's try some of our own research.
It's pretty obvious that everything's ballooning out, isn't it? That's why your clothes don't fit like
they used to. That's why it takes longer to get to your mother's place than it did last year. That's also why it keeps getting
harder to reach your alarm clock in the morning. The cosmos is getting puffier.
El Niño may be partly responsible for this. What I mean is, some group of scientists somewhere might
be looking into the possibility that El Niño blew more hot air into the universe, thereby inflating it further.
Think of the universe with a big gut, a spare tire. Now think of that innertube getting inflated way
past the "normal" mark, so it starts to look like a mutant whacko bagel. Think of Rush Limbaugh with his mouth on the nozzle,
doing his radio show, filling that tire with talk about feminazis and communism in the White House.
See how easy it is to visualize sophisticated scientific principles? Science can be fun when you put
the scientific method to work for you.
Do I Know From Computers.
MUCKY: Somebody asked me just the other day, "Do you
know from computers?" I told them if I do, and they said, "What are those little green things inside, with the wires?"
I said, "They look like Chiclets?" Yeah.
I straightened my chest, puffed up my underwear and said, "This is the question regarding personal
computing which I am asked most frequently by those who are just beginning their Computer Journey. Those are little gravestones
for midgets who died while making your computer."
Then I got back on my golf cart, gunned it, and left them there to ponder genius.
SPANKY: But you forgot to tell them that their computer could run more efficiently
if they format their hard drive.
MUCKY: Really? Well, I never heard of that before.
That probably has something to do with the hula packer, but I'm not into details. I'm more of a big-issue guy.
A Treatise Upon The Correckt Handling Of Books And Satan (And Stuff)
If a Book has been read before, by anyone anywhere, it has been Spoiled and must be Burnt. But if a
Book has never been read by another Person, one may read it Alone in a room far from the Corrupting presence of Others who
could cause Bad Humors to develop and foul one's Sciences.
Firstly, Purify any residues of Satan from each page with a thimblefull of Swift & Walker's Vinegar
and speak Planely and Loudly the Lord's Prayer over each page. Use only Good Scientifick wisdom, Severely.
Word Definitions
I'm really into word origins and definitions. The science of words is called "enthroscopophy,"
or maybe "anthropossophy," although that could be the science of Things You Jam Up Your Nose.
Here's a word: tergiversation. Let's define it.
tergiversation: n. 1. The act of trying to pick up a date when there are live fish strung around your neck.
Easy enough. Next week: Words you should know from watching Saturday morning cartoons.
The "Ipowhee" ("Infinitely Popped Wheelie") bike works on the principle that once a wheelie
has been popped that same wheelie can be ridden upward into the atmosphere, through the earth's gravitational boundary,
if the rider's dad is coming after him with a belt (probably a Van Allen Belt), yelling that he saw him
smoking a cigarette in his underwear. If the rider's alert mind makes a joke about "What was the cigarette
doing in my underwear?", he can get more mileage out of that.
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