Gaaarp's Jurors' Rules, modified

1. Don't talk about the case, unless you're at a party and you feel like telling the gang a story.

2. NEVER tell the judge he could be "bought out, lock, stock and barrel,"  Unless, again, you're at a party and everyone's feeling

loose and silly.

3. Never sell your story to a cheap, over-the-top talk show host for personal gain.  Sell it to a cheap, over-the-top talk show host

because you're an American and you're free to live your OWN damn life ANY WAY YOU WANT, (even if you're Canadian.)

New career: CEO Racing

Dear Marvin,

I think that's very small of you to sick Mormon missionaries on my home, and bigamy to take more than one woman. However, I have found it in my heart (under a pile of old magazines) to see the error of my ways and will immediately stop my dwarf-tossing career.

This weekend I begin a new, exciting career. I have thrown down my dwarf-tossing gloves and picked up a set of chaps and a crop for: CEO racing. 

That's right. Each rider brings a wealthy CEO of a multinational corporation, saddles him up, hooks up the blinders, maybe combs his hair.  And, after a few warmup laps around the track, that gun goes off and it's suddenly a blur of logos, cell phones, Italian designer shoes and Club Med passes flying around the track. If your CEO blows a shoe, no problem, go get another CEO out of the stable.  Pretty exciting.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Mucky

Can't See For Sh*t

'Scuse me.  I'm just all in a tizzy about the presidential candidtaes (whatever) and their debates. It's like watching some weird theater piece, waiting for the part where they stop everything and tell you exactly why there's a huge pile of crap onstage that looks and smells like compost with flies all over the place.  But they never talk about it or even look at it.

Instead they say something like this, heroically, in a brave-ish way: "I FEEL THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE BETTER AND THAT WE SHOULD BE AGAINST CRIME AND STAND FOR A STRONG AMERICA THAT MOVES UP, NOT DOWN, AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, RUTABAGA, RUTABAGA, RUTABAGA..." 

We Gotta Net You A Billion!

(Sung to the tune of Todd Rundgren's We Gotta Get You A Woman)

Skilling, boy, is that you?
Looks like our bottom could fall right through
Profit-wise, we're dying guys
We'll get wise!
Tell some lies!

We might not ever have this chance again
to rub the numbers in an upward trend!

We gotta net you a billion!
It's like nothin' else for pumpin' your bottom line
We gotta net you a billion!
We'd better get Anderson
I'm losin' my dander, son!

Skilling, boy, you're the boss
Let's make gain come out of loss!
Keep the folks who hold the shares
unawares
Say your prayers

This corp'rate culture is the coolest thing!
I bake a pie-chart and I hear "KA-CHI-INNGGG"!!!

We gotta net you a billion!
It's like nothin' else for pumpin' your bottom line
We gotta net you a billion!
We'd better get Anderson
I'm losin' my dander, son!

Talkin' bout books
and how the cooking's done
It ain't so legal, but it sure is fun!
I'll give it to you as we're on the run
because the FTC is sniffin' down my undies and...
(sniffin'd down my undies and...)

We gotta net you a billion!
We gotta net you a billion!
We gotta net you a billion!

And when the whole thing's through,
forget what you-uuu knew...

We gotta net you a billion!...
(blah, blah, blah...)

That's Why Reagan Is A Champ!

(Sung to the tune of That's Why The Lady Is A Tramp)

He wanted four years, so we gave him EIGHT!
He left the country huge debt on our PLATE!
And soon enough we'll see his mug on a stamp!
That's why Reagan is a CHAMP!!

(doo-doo daah-daah clickety-click)

.

Governor Bush Channels Gertrude Stein On The Campaign Trail

"I never saw a poor mother
and you shoulda seen it,
bending her back over her head, her heels.
Her back.
Just to work for 'em all, the kids she worked for
all of 'em. She worked, shoulda seen it.

And you can't deny the facts."