The Sound Of One Mug Yapping

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Wobbling Through The Universe

The Sound Of One Mug Yapping

Zen Jello*

This page is mostly about the way people talk and the way I think of people talking. I just love the way people talk sometimes. I listen to them in stores and restaurants, on their cell phones, etc., and a lot of times they speak in these odd, disconnected non-sequiturs. Zen koans. When heard or read out of context the koans sometimes have a unique charm. The words seem to float suspended in jello salad. Things you sort of recognize float past---a hunk of pineapple here, a waft of mayonnaise there.

The other part of the equation is that sometimes what I hear probably isn't what was actually said. That makes it even more fun, because my mind has a way of turning half-heard mumbling into words in the most delightful way. (I guess that's how come I can sing songs I don't really know the words to.)

And then, sometimes I just like to outright fabricate a character in my head and see what they might say. That's on this page too. And some of these are just nonsequiturs. All are from the Absurd Nonsequitur topic, except for the real phony Zen.

These were overheard, either outside of or inside my head

Aunts and Uncles. Or at least with a cow.

So we sent the horse and Louie does it RIGHT this time.

That must be where Hildegaard gets her sucky wands.

He said like a war in a cracker.

He said short on the long end, then the other end, then the long end again, then a monkey, then Lucille comes in.

Here, put these mittens.

...and then New York, New York, throw up your arms, Woody and Pecker, head down again, sweep the floor, sweep the floor...

A dog in a pillbox hat, as far as I know.

A little thing -- woops, there it goes.

It's these pesky skeeters.

I thought you said squat please and then I turns around and there's that damn monkey again smokin' a cigarette so I says get outta here you! not you the monkey and that's when you says are you gonna squat or do I have ta scream so gets down on my haunches and I'll be damned if that monkey ain't on my head in no time and I says...

His wife's name was Chewy, or something.

I look all over for the universe. I can't find it.

Oh, sweetie, did your head roll off?

It's a hell of a thing, ain't it? HELL of a thing.

Well, there ya have it. Damn shame, too.

Well, now, that's just dandy. Ain't that dandy? That's just DANDY.

Sketti-O's.

Where's your belly button? That's right, there it is.

I swear I'm going to do the Potato Deal. In the middle of the night, when no-one's awake.

So I asked my mom if I could use Danny for my science fair project.

Maybe I should have told you right away that my dad was Mr. Cheese-And-Crackers last year.

Blew a hole in his doggone tent fly.

He said she hunts wild boar in her bare feet with a pair of pinking shears.

Keep looking. There's bound to be a hair in there somewhere.

Oh, looky. The little pants came off the heating pad.

Every time dad turns toward him he runs full-speed, straight at the movie camera.

Your finger is covering up Greenland.

"Snarfing is, what it is -- it just is you can't explain it in another country."

The raisins are plumping up real nice.

Little more off the ears. Can you put some back on? Just kidding.

Where you get that thing, Wally?

You can't believe a word I say when I'm like this.

All of a sudden nothing happened.

That's Millie's margarine by the tuba.

I've been to Canada, where everyone has a wheatfield and wears glasses and plays the accordian.

Puhhhhh. Wendy's in the vestibule. Puhhhh. Puhh.

So i pulls on her P300 and says, "What's that, your P300?"

OK, take care, God bless, good luck, keep your knees greased.

Will you take a fresh roll of cheesecloth for your trouble?

Sometimes you run behind the factory and there's a bunch of fishbowls. You go back there and find them fishbowls and say "Them are fishbowls.". And then EVERYBODY wants to know. About the fishbowls.

She looked out the window and saw me trying to blow a tiny green bug off my glasses. ~!phooof!~ ~!phoof!~ From then on she'd always know me as the young fella who makes funny faces.

Let's put it this way: I need a new chicken tractor

Father Ryan must have wanted you to come and help me get that owl off my notebook. The owl stuck to my notebook and I can't get it off, so I think Father Ryan wanted you to help me with it. I'm not going to tell you that you're coming with me because Mister Conti kicked you out of the choir because you can't sing. You'll figure that out about 20 years from now. For now, it's the owl. That's the important thing.

Don't worry, Mildred. I'm taking over the whole shebang, and we're going to put you and the girls up in the factory. It doesn't sound good now, but I know you're gonna love it eventually.

Now you got me thinking about what's the way to defend your noodles.

A jingly chew toy for Father Spinelli.

This is Wally dropping the shirt in the bacon grease. Now he's putting the shirt on and he gets in the car and --oops! forgot the map! Watch him run for the back door. Hey! Who the hell put that ROLLER SKATE there! Haha. OK, Wally, you can come back out of the house any time now... Wally?... Here he comes... OK, let's get on the road!...

Sorry, I can't meet at 3. I have to be back here and grind my teeth at 3:30.

These are real attempts at phony Zen koans

Wu Li brought in his fishing nets as evening fell. When Wu Li arrived at home, why did his old lady yell at him?

MASTER LO: What is the nature of one-eyed cat dancing in toe-boots?

PI YU: Swing your partner, do-si-do?

MASTER LO: Ain't nobody here but us chickens!

What is Jimmy's nature while watching Buddha cartoons?

Who done Wing Fat's daddy dirty?

If a tree takes a dive out in the Big Room and there ain't a sucker within earshot, does it still need a lawyer?

Who had a stinky old time on the road to Peshawar?

Wu Li finds Buddha nature in a potato.

Not to be outdone, Hu finds the Buddha in a cigarette butt.

Wu Li, feeling upstaged, finds it in a turd.

How come he didn't look in the turd in the first place?

Wu Li sat upon the ox and rode away, looking for the ox. When he reached Xiangzou province, news of Mister Rogers reached him. No ox,
no Wu Li, no Mister Rogers. What gives?

How does the miniature walrus remember the cha-ching of the housefly's cash register?

And the Shampoo Miners Union came to the Buddha and asked him, "How will we know impermanence when we see it?"

And the Buddha replied, "Lather, rinse, repeat."

Master Lo asked, "What was the size of your original head?"

Quickly, Wu Li replied, "That ain't nothin. What are the dimensions of the immeasurable nose?"

Master Spanky, if I pull your finger, will you not let the Eternal Pfffft escape your grasp?

What is the point of being sneaky around my little bonsais?

And Gautama, the Enlightened One, sat beneath the Bodhi Tree and spoke to the several gathered there. "What is the nature of the
colorful and sweet puffy things?"

Wu Li looked at Po a moment, then back at Gautama. "Master, I believe you're referring to the metaphor of the Void expressed in the 12-jewel sutra?"

Gautama adjusted his gaze and replied, "No, I mean those things we ate the other night. I can't think of the name."

Po looked at Wu Li, then back at Gautama and said, "Master, perhaps this is a koan expressing days having gone by without awareness?"

Said Gautama, "No, I mean literally, what ARE those things?"

Wu Li and Po: "Circus Peanuts."

Gautama: "Yeah, THOSE things. What are they made out of? They always seemed like PLASTIC to me! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

And with that, Wu Li, Po, Gilligan, a movie star and the rest found enlightenment.

*A BRIEF DISCLAIMER: Zen is a real Buddhist religion which many people find helpful and liberating, and I certainly don't mean to disparage Zen or Asian culture in any way. For more info on Buddhism, click here.

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