XmasLyrics

Lyrics from "Santa God and Other Blasphemies"

Bear Shelves
My stuffed bear sitting on the shelf
You've taken your last bow
You have to sleep all by yourself
Cause I'm a big boy now
I know you must get awful lonesome
Up there gathering dust
But you no longer meet my needs
For earthly, fleshly lusts

Cause now I sleep with people
Not with bears or all alone
Bears may be soft and cuddly
But people bend and moan
To those who miss when they were young
And childlike, free of sin
I say they're full of teddy dung
I'd rather touch bare skin

But to throw you out, I could not bear
And so your fuzzy face
Has to witness acts declared
Illegal in twelve states
But as you look down in shock and pain
At those who have replaced you
A wicked thought comes to my brain
I guess I shouldn't waste you...

So come and join us, my old friend
You might be useful still
As a pillow under someone's end
Or a sponge to wipe up spills
Or in some bestial fantasy
With harness, whip and leather
Too bad you don't have lifelike parts
We'd have such fun together

A Misanthrope Christmas
Shoppers buy last minute gifts and desperately deck the halls
Police respond to family fights and shootings at the mall
All in the name of peace and love and holiday good cheer
Oh, I'm so glad I'm a misanthrope and won't buy a gift this year
Oh, I'm so glad I'm a misanthrope, I won't give a gift this year

Got to find that special toy for that special little guy
The manufacturer purposely planned they'd be in short supply
So Walmart is a war zone and the parking lot is mined
Oh, I'm so glad I'm a misanthrope, I think all little kids are swine
Oh, I think you'll agree with me, all little kids are swine

That old geezer Ebeneezer was a sharp old fart
"Boil them in their pudding and pound holly through their heart"
So every year I build a shrine to those I love the most
With plastic rooftop figures of Scrooge and Marley's ghost
Oh, eight-foot plastic figures of Scrooge and Marley's ghost

So sing a song of joy and snow, of fruitcake elves and cheer
Just make sure you're far away so I won't have to hear
And when you're tired of all the screaming greedy whiny kids
Come with me and be a misanthrope, you'll be so glad you did
Oh, come with me and be a misanthrope, you'll be so glad you did

Misanthrope, misanthrope
I hate everyone
It's a cinch to be a grinch
And Yuletide's much more fun

© 2001 Dan Hart

The Dangerous Toy
Based on Tom Paxton's "The Marvelous Toy" (© 1961 Cherry Lane Music Inc.).
New lyrics by Dan Hart

When I was just a wee little lad, full of traumas and tears
My father bought a toy for me confirming all my fears
A horror to behold it was, and it filled me full of dread
And the moment I laid eyes on it I knew he wished me dead
I went

(CHORUS):
OUCH!! when it cut and YAAHH!! when it shocked
And GGAUGGH!! when it caught in my throat
I merely went and picked it up and that was all she wrote

The Consumer Product Safety Board said this toy takes many lives
With lead paint and electrical hazards and edges just like knives
But my daddy wants no sissy son and he says to "Be a Man"
So I went and picked it up again and it sliced off both of my hands
I went
(CHORUS)

I first ran left and then ran right then hid under a chair
But the toy pursued relentlessly till it found me hiding there
I reached for the switch to turn it off but my skin touched a hot bare wire
And a thousand volts shot up my arm and set my clothes on fire
I went
(CHORUS)

Well somehow I survived those years now I have my own little boy
And yesterday I gave to him my dangerous little toy
His eyes nearly popped right out of his head; in fact they did, and now he's blind
Cause he didn't see those two sharp spikes that were sticking up from behind
Now he goes
(CHORUS)

Santa God
When I was a kid they told me something weird
That there's a guy up in the sky with a long white beard
And he does everything, and he knows each move you make
And he knows if you've been bad so be good for goodness sake

Back when I was four I thought I was pretty bright
I said "You're talking about old Santa Claus, right?"
But they got real quiet, and steam came from their ears
And they said "You'll burn in hell for that for a million billion years!"

"We're talking about God, you heathen little kid
So you'd better beg forgiveness for all the sins you did
He's easily annoyed and he doesn't take no crap
And at the slightest provocation He will smite you flat"

God and Santa Claus are coming to town
One gives you presents and the other strikes you down
I'll leave cookies for Santa, but not for god
Cause he seems to think I'm a human lightening rod

I said "He sounds so mean-- why is he so mad?
My Santa's lots of laughs, though I know he's really Dad
Are you sure this isn't Santa Claus, and he's having a bad day?"
But they said "We'd better get this kid to church right away"

In the church they sat me down on a rock-hard wooden pew
And they told me not to move or speak unless I was spoken to
And a man in funny clothes talked for almost half a day
Then they sang songs of joy while frowning in dismay
(chorus)

Please don't blame me for being confused
But the things grownups tell me just don't compute
Like "Always trust the President and CEO's
With their sideways grins and their Ho Ho Ho's"

So no one ever could tell me who this "God" guy was
And why he's never photographed beside Santa Claus
But with Santa a lump of coal is the only wage of sin
This other grouchy guy must be Santa's evil twin

Oh god and santa claus are coming to town
One gives you presents and the other strikes you down
I'll leave cookies for santa but not for god
cause he seems to thing that I'm a human lightning rod
He's gonna zap a million volts right through my bod
His way of showing love is a little odd...

Lobotomy for Xmas

intro:
It's Xmas and you're all wondering what to get for me
The guy--- who has it all, it seems
Fame and all those things that money can't buy
Beyond my wildest sugarplum-filled dreams
But my riches don't include the proper attitude
I still rail against that greedy Xmas spirit
I can only see the sleaze, that's my yuletide disease
But they have finally found a way to cure it

Now...I...am... getting a lobotomy for Xmas
My mood was getting everybody down
My friends and my honey, they all donated money
Got me the best neurosurgeon in town
Yes I'm getting a lobotomy for Christmas
From my cynicism I'll fin'ly be freed
Peace and love throughout the globe and a severed frontal lobe
What more could this old curmudgeon need?

Well I'm getting a lobotomy for Xmas
My behavior was getting awfully frightening
It was upsetting the kiddies when I sang those little ditties
About God and Santa killing you with lightning
Yes I'm getting a lobotomy for Xmas
No more Scroogelike outbursts from me
Oh Santa, leave a kiddie car, and a 7-inch long scar
Oh what a gift to find beneath the tree

(bridge):
Santa's elves have a new theory to keep the season cheery:
Zero tolerance for grumbling malcontents
If you're on Santa's list of pouters and criers,
They'll get the cranial saw and a pair of pliers
And after the first sting, you will not feel a thing
And you'll wake up with a grin on Xmas day
And when they threaten you with holly and say "You vill be jolly"
You'll have no other choice but to obey

Scalpels roasting in an autoclave,
Ether drifting up your nose
Rudolph, the neurosurgeon has a very shiny knife
& After the operation you'll have a much more happy life
Slashing through the lobes, with sharp and sterile blade
Poking with a probe, aggression starts to fade
Waking up with a sore head
Stitches sown 'cross your forehead
You've lost the fight, now your happy tonight
Drooling in a round-the-clock care ward

(slower): Yes I got a lobotomy for Xmas
A gift from Santa Claus and B.F. Skinner
Now I sit here all the while with a vacant smile
Till the attendant takes me to the Christmas dinner
Yes I got a lobotomy for Xmas
Like Tiny Tim, I'm blissful as can be
I got my electric train and figgy pudding for a brain
No more independent thought for me...
Why, it's almost as effective as TV

All I lost for Xmas was my two frontal lobes...
And now that I'm a vegetable with no frontal lobes
Now I can wish you Merry Xmas

Christmas in the Nude
This Christmas Eve there's a big affair
But I haven't got a thing to wear
I'm sure you have this problem too
But this year I know what to do
Escape that tired fashion scene
Those Xmas suits of red and green
Fleshtone's the new yuletide mood
Spend Xmas in the nude.

No longer do you have to fear
If you put on weight since last year
You'll fit right into your birthday suit
Xmas in the nude

It's fun, it's new, it's all the rage
Though some may find it shocking
But this year there's a brand-new place
To hang your Xmas stocking

It'll keep the relatives away
Keep those carolers at bay
Just the thought of your bare bum
They'll skip your house for years to come
You can scandalize your in-laws
When you display your skin flaws
Stretch marks get me in the mood
Xmas in the nude

Santa's joining in the fun
So we'll find out tonight
Are the beard and hair peroxided
Or are they really white?

Let's all display our jingle bells
Our ornaments and body smells
Don't be a scrooge, don't be a prude
Xmas in the nude

Just like the Xmas turkey
We're plucked down to our skin
You can call me late for dinner
But don't call me Tiny Tim

There's a party down at Farmer Grey's
To celebrate this yuletide craze
Everyone come as you are
Blemished, pale and harpoon-scarred
Round the Xmas tree we'll rock
It looks a lot like Woodstock,
You'll feel revived, you'll feel renewed
Xmas in the nude.

Santa Eats Little Kids
When Santa comes with dollies
In his sleigh up in the sky
He's always fat and jolly
Did you ever wonder why?
Don't you wonder how he got
That great big shaking belly?
I'll tell you a big secret:
It's not from toast and jelly

It's not from too much milk and cookies
Left by the fireplace grid
No Santa eats, Santa eats, Santa eats little kids

That's how he lives forever
To do his yearly giving
Santa's one of the undead
Who must feed on the living
I s'pose he could eat grownups too
But children are so sweet
And one week working at the mall
Gets a year's supply of meat

C'mon, admit deep down inside
You always knew he did
Santa eats, Santa eats, Santa eats little kids

Oh what a perfect cover, Santa really scored
What other job could give him such a varied smorgasbord?
He's always very picky when a child sits in his lap
He pokes and prods to see how much is lean and how much fat
And when he finds the biggest one, a tender fat pork chop
He says "I've got a special gift for you in my workshop"
Then he'll put you in the oven, in your juices you will baste
When he says you're bad or good, he's referring to your taste

You are looking at me as if none of this is true
Well I'm your older brother, would I lie to you?
Don't bother asking Mom and Dad cause they're in on the deal
They've been fattening you up since Easter for Santa's Xmas meal

So on Christmas Eve you'd better
keep your little butt hid
Cause Santa eats Santa eats Santa eats little kids

Santa is a Psycho
Remember when they took you to see Santa at the mall?
They'd take your picture in his lap, although you cried and bawled
Something strange about that guy, it made your skin just crawl
Turns out you were right about the old man after all

Cause... Santa is a psycho, you knew it all the time
You'd seen him on a wanted poster for some heinous crime
Mom would reassure you, but that just made things worse
When you noticed that his sleigh had been converted to a hearse

Why does he live all the way up there at the North Pole?
He's running from the law for violating his parole
Voices in his head say "on Xmas you must share"
So perhaps you'll get a finger bone or a lock of hair

Yes Santa is a psycho, you knew it all along
That swastika tattoo tipped you off something was wrong
Mom never got close enough to smell his whiskey breath
Or notice that his gloves and boots were made from human flesh

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake
So don't go out alone on Christmas Eve, for God's sake

Santa is a psycho, his train has left the station
Lock up all the guns, cause he's off his medication
Forget about the kiddie car or that electric train, dear
But here's a book about him called Silence of the Reindeer

He got past the razor wire at the state hospital
You'd think with all those guards that would not be possible
They found them in a ghastly scene all with a lifeless stare
Their bodies were all hung by the chimney with care

Cause Santa is a psycho, just as you suspected
But here's what you can do to keep your family protected,
Have the cops round up all the Santas in your town
And just to be safe, all the scoutmasters and clowns