from "To a Silent Drum"
including Anytown USA, That Was the Week, Five Senses, Summer of Love, Thanks Uncle Sam, Four Times Forty
 
 

from "Apocalypse Now and Then"
including Tailfins, Relay Tower, Apocalypse Now and Then, Traffic, Spy at my School, Captain Captain, Big Rig on the Information Superhighway, The Way it Goes, You Can't Go Home, Understanding Blues
 
 

from "The Life of Dan"
including The Life of Dan, You Can Find Love, Tofu Cowboy, Hey Ho 2001, Sex 'n' Violence, You're Old, Doesn't Play Well, I Hate to Sing Along
 
 

from "Santa God and Other Blasphemies"
including Santa God, Bear Shelves, The Dangerous Toy, Lobotomy for Xmas, Misanthrope Xmas, Santa is a Psycho, Santa Eats Little Kids, Christmas in the Nude
 
 

Miscellaneous Unrecorded Songs
Including Swift Kick, Scary Liberal Agenda, Marry Me, Intelligent Design, Do it Quick, To Write a Country Song, I Don't Want No Little Kids

Swift Kick

Like the kid who wears a pork chop to get the dog to play
It's come to this, someone only listens if you pay
But as your therapist I say, if you really want to change
Here is my prescription, though it may cause you some pain

 Swift kick in the rear, swift kick in the rear
 You don't need a listening ear, you need a swift kick in the rear
 Swift kick in the rear, swift kick in the rear
Your diagnosis is quite clear, you need a swift kick in the rear

You don't even have to speak, I've heard it all before
You're impotent cause you didn't get that bike when you were four
But you'll be happy to find out the latest cure in town
For curing jerks it always works-- no, don't sit down
 Swift kick in the rear, swift kick in the rear
 I know the treatment sounds severe, but you need a swift kick in the rear
 Swift kick in the rear, swift kick in the rear
I really am quite sincere, you need a swift kick in the rear

 Therapy is not a toy, don't go if you don't need it
 Your ego is already huge, I'm not going to feed it
 The most effective treatments aren't taught in universities
 Your HMO won't pay for this; but relax, this one's on me

Swift kick in the rear, swift kick in the rear
Blow your nose and dry your tears and get a swift kick in the rear
Swift kick in the rear, swift kick in the rear
All your troubles disappear with a swift kick in the rear
Swift kick in the rear
But therapy is just two people talking to each other
One of whom just thinks that he's healthier than the other
Since neither has productive skills, I guess it serves some use
It gives one guy a living, the other an excuse

 Swift kick in the rear, swift kick in the rear
 There's two of us, it would appear, who need a swift kick in the rear
 Swift kick in the rear, swift kick in the rear
You call this a real career? I need a swift kick in the rear

© 2003 Dan Hart

Scary Liberal Agenda
The red states foiled our evil plot
Oh how could we have failed?
We thought with Satan on our side
We surely would prevail
The GOP exposed our plan
To legalize all sinning
Little did they know
That was only the beginning...

It's that scary Liberal Agenda
We're the bad old tax-and-spendas
Give your whole paycheck to Uncle Sam
To fund art you don't understand
And help those welfare mothers
Buy their second Cadillacs
That's why we must have the White House back!

It's that scary Liberal Agenda
With all us girly men, dear
Mandatory same-sex weddings planned
For every straight woman and man
Marine recruits would all be gay
Instead of marching they'd sashay
Oh I hoped I'd be alive to see that day!

Ballet lessons would be required
For all big macho boys
We'd make them play with dollies
Take away all their war toys
Soften them all up just right
So Al Quaeda wins without a fight
It's just like Rush told you that we might

It's that scary Liberal Agenda
We refuse to surrender
We'll launch a secular revolution
Force the Baptists to teach evolution
No more prayer in school or church
Live babies for stem cell research
Oh finally our revenge on old John Birch
 

You think the media's liberal now
We'd start a whole new era
Dan Rather making up all the news
With the help of Al Jazeera
You should see what else we had in store
Nude videos of Michael Moore
If we'd have only won 2004

Pickup trucks must be turned in
And replaced with Volvo wagons
Instead of high school football
That's right-- Dungeons and Dragons
Compulsory abortions
Confiscation of all guns
And by the way, we'd castrate all your sons

It's that scary Liberal Agenda
And it's not meant to offend ya
But you know we hate America so
Your family values have got to go
Bring in the latte and Perrier water
Bring in Clinton to marry your daughter
An American steaming cesspool of sin
Oh what a gay old time it would have been!

© 2005 Dan Hart

Marry Me
Marry me, Jerry Falwell
I know deep down inside you love me
You're so cute with your jowls
and your homophobic howls
It can only spell matrimony

Marry me, Rush Limbaugh
You won't need those pills to get high
Cause I'll treat you so right
All through the night
I'll give you dittohead till you die
(cleaner version: I'll be your dittohead till I die.)

My head's in a spin, how can I choose?
If I settle on one, the other I lose
They're such macho guys, and super king-size
My heart's gonna blow a fuse

Marry me, Pat Robertson
It would be a match made in heaven
And I know you'd be so sweet
You'd keep me off the street
So I couldn't cause another 9/11

Marry me, Ricky Santorum,
Though you think it's too different and new;
You say it's bestiality
Well, I'd have to agree
Cause I'd be an animal with you

I'm not really queer, but when you are near
I'd leave my hetero ways behind
When you pontificate, it's hard to think straight
It's true what they say, love is blind

Marry me, Dicky Cheney,
Cause your daughter won't have me, it seems
And if I could trouble you
Please ask George W.
To stop appearing nude in my dreams

I guess the only solution
Is to amend the Constitution
Cause you're the king of hearts and honey, I want to be your queen

© 2004 Dan Hart

Intelligent Design
Looking in the microscope
In my science class
I was quite confused at the time
But when they gave the quiz
I knew that I would pass
I just wrote "Intelligent Design"

Well I tried to read Darwin
But he put me right to sleep
Somewhere at the bottom of page nine
There's lots of kids like me
Who don't want to think too deep
For them we have Intelligent Design

Yes it's intelligent design, if you don't have the time
To mess around with all that science crap
I hear there's math involved in proving we evolved
And math is hard-- I gotta take a nap

And just look at me
I'm the epitome
Of creation so perfected and refined
That's why people stare
At my belly and back hair
I'm a big blob of Intelligent Design

Yes intelligent design, it's a whole new paradigm
George Bush says we'll be teaching it next term
Cause he knows the path to knowledge
Is to drink your way through college
So he's just the one to tell us what to learn

So whenever something happens
That's not what you expected
Just look up there into the great Divine
Like when some drunken frat boy
Gets himself reelected
Why it must be Intelligent Design
It's gotta be Intelligent Design
Cause everything is working out just fine!
 © 2005 Dan Hart

I Don't Want No Little Kids
I don't want no little kids, spitting up on little bibs
Rancid, urine-smelling cribs
No I don't want no little kids

I don't want no little kids
Their screaming makes me flip my lid
"Oh, aren't they cute" the people say
But when you're with them day after day
The cuteness can wear mighty thin
The beady eyes, the dirty chin
The runny nose, the cries and shrieks
They break all of your rare antiques
They watch obnoxious TV bunk
Then blackmail you to buy them junk
Big Macs Big Wheels Big Gulps, more
Every time you're at the store

I don't want no little kids
There's something to be said for SIDS
I'll start a new campaign 'round town
"Put your kids to bed face-down"
It's good for them, they'll be all right
Guaranteed to sleep right through the night
And also through the whole next day
Though by then they're turning gray
But just relax your worried brow
Cause you won't have to feed them now

But if you don't want little kids
You sure had better keep it hid
It drives old ladies half insane
They'll shout at you and wave their canes
They'll say that it's your obligation
To add to overpopulation
To bring more brats into the world
More whiny, greedy boys and girls
But this is not from love or purity
They know who pays social security
They need a billion little kids
To support that pyramid
Working, spending, paying taxes
While grandma kicks back and relaxes
In her lavish country club
No, that's why granny wants grandcubs

No I don't want no little kids
And if perchance someday I did
Please cure me quick before it starts
Take me to the next Kmart
Where piercing little tot screams there'll
Shatter glass and make you sterile
While hollow-eyed moms and dads
Spend all the money that they had
on candy, toys and DVDs
Just to buy one minute of peace
But you know they'll never quench that fire
The screams just go an octave higher
And set off all the other ones
The noise measured in megatons
I shriek and I run out that door
And swear off sex for ever more

© 2005 Dan Hart

To Write a Country Song
Well I went down to Nashville to turn my songs into a buck
But they all knew I was a fake even though I drove a truck
They said you got the hat and boots alright, but that's not the concern
Before you do C & W there's one thing you must learn
To write a country song you got to be an alcoholic
Cause drinking lets them big men cry like little babes with colic
Just open up a case of beer
And fill their ears with truckstop tears
To write a country song, you got to be an alcoholic

So I sat down to drink myself into a pickled stew
I figured I'd just ask myself "What would George Jones do?"
But when I ordered creme de menthe for my aperitif
The bartender said "Son, your career'll be mighty brief"
Cause to write a country song you got to be an alcoholic
Cause it's them drinking songs that make them redneck romp and rollick
So listen son, drink a quart of rum
And you'll know right where they're coming from
Cause to write a country song, you got to be an alcoholic

  Now we're not talking lite beer and a glass of wine with dinner
  Only late-stage liver damage makes your song a winner
  Fall-down, vomit, wet yourself and pass out like a bum
  And that gold record is as good as won

Well the top-40 songwriter writes those lines on lines of coke
And the folkie freedom fighter he just takes another toke
Metal screams with amphetamines, and the King did Demerol
And to do the Blues, you don't pick and choose, just shoot and snort them all,
But to write a country song you got to be an alcoholic
Cause it's them drinking songs that make them rednecks romp and rollick
Your future, it will be assured
When they throw you out of Betty Ford
Cause to write a country song, you got to be an alcoholic
© 2002 Dan Hart

Let's Do It Quick
I know you been listening to that other guy's song
'Bout how he gonna rock you all night long
I got news for you baby, that kind of talk is cheap
Cause we guys last just four minutes, then roll over and go to sleep

 I hate to be the one to tell you that all-night stuff's just a myth
 That's why I say we should sing "Let's do it quick and get it over with

Well there's an old joke that isn't that funny
A man's concept of foreplay is "Roll over honey"
Your erogenous zone, he ain't gonna kiss it
Sex will be like a small town, don't blink or you'll miss it

 According to Kinsey that's about all of us, so it's futile to get miffed
 Cause we'll all sing let's do it quick-- and get it over with

  Now most of us tell you what you want to hear
  We'll do anything to get in your brassiere
  But once we are there, after we beg and beg
  You could use our performance to time a soft-boiled egg

So the next time some guy tells you "I'm Superman"
Better check out his story with Lois Lane
He may leap over buildings, but his own ain't that tall
He's faster than a speeding bullet, that's about all

 Some excuse involving kryptonite is all you're gonna git
  Cause he's one of us, he's a twit,
  He does it quick, and gets it over with
© 2002 Dan Hart

back to top of page

back to top   back to welcome page

Email Dan Hart at danhart@danhart.net .