A bit of humor is important in our daily lives. If you can't poke
a bit of fun at yourself, then there's no need to laugh at others.

In that vein, the following is offered:

Attention Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Also note:

          ...the Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
          ...My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
          ...Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
          ...Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
          ...Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
          ...Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
          ...Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape"              pops up.


          ...WOK:                   ats aw-right
          ...Cancel:                 stopdat
          ...Reset:                  try er agin
          ...Yes:                      yep
          ...No:                        noop
          ...Find:                     hunt fer it
          ...Go to:                   over yonder
          ...Aback:                  back yonder
          ...Help:                    hep me out here
          ...Stop:                     kwitit
          ...Start:                    crank er up
          ...Settings:               sittins
          ...Programs:             stuff at duz stuff
          ...Documents:          stuff ah done did

Also note that SUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:

          ...tiperiter:                    A word processing program
          ...colerin book:             a graphics program
          ...cyferin mersheen:     calculator
          ...outhouse paper:        notepad
          ...jupe-box:                   CD Player
          ...intranet:                    Microsoft Explorer 4.0
          ...pichers:                     A graphics viewer
          ...airs:                           MS accounting software
          ...irs2:                           MS accounting software with hidden files
          ...tax records:               usually an empty file
          ...coon dog:                   American kennel club records

You'll recognize WINDERS 98 SUTHERN EDITION as it comes pre-loaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide Web.

Fishin': Bass Anglers Sportsman Society

          ...NRA:                         National Rifle Association
          ...Shotgun:                    Remington Arms home page
          ...Riffel:                        Winchester home page
          ...Pistul:                        Smith & Wesson home page
          ...Truck:                       Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code
          ...House:                      Mobile home repair services & movers by zip                                                     code
          ...Cuzzins:                    Complete database of southern residents                                                     (extremely long download time)
          ...Bud:                          List of Budweiser distributors by zip code
          ...Rasin:                        NASCAR racing schedule with TV stations                                                     that carry the race
          ...Car 'n truck parts:    Junk yards by zip code
          ...Doc:                           veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

                                                                              Billy Bob Gates
                                                                              Head Honcho


e-mail me here

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This page was created 3-31-00