The best friend man has in the world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son, or daughter, that he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and good name may become traitors to their faith. The money a man has he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most. A man's reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees when success is with us may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our head.
The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. A man's dog stands by him in prosperity and poverty, in health and in sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground when the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only to be near his master's side. He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer, he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince.
When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wing, and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens.
If fortune drives his master forth, an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard him against danger, to fight against his enemies,. And when that last scene of all comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there, by the graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true, even in death.
--Senator George Graham Vest, speaking to a jury about Old Drum, shot in 1869. Johnson County Circuit Court, Warrensburg, Missouri
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Felis Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
an endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your subvocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
for rhythmic stroking of your fur, to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents.
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance.
And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well developed cognitive array.
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I none the less consider you a true and valued friend.
--Star Trek, The Next Generation's Commander Data
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And DOG lived with Adam and was a companion to him and Eve and loved them. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And DOG was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said,"No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know he is not worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam.
And CAT would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into CAT's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And CAT did not care one way or the other.
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Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride. |
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Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. |
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When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. |
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When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. |
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Let others know when they've invaded your territory. |
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Take naps and stretch before rising. |
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Run, romp, and play daily. |
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Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. |
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Be loyal. |
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Never pretend to be something you're not. |
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If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. |
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When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. |
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Thrive on attention and let people touch you. |
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Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. |
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On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. |
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When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. |
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No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.... run right back and make friends. |
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Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. |
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If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. |
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Don't go out without ID. |
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Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. |
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Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective. |
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If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss. |
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:
* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flack jacket.
* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is-for cats-three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
* In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
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Stray cats will not be fed. |
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Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food. |
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Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk. |
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Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps. |
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Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence. |
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Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily. |
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Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name. |
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Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time. |
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Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times. |
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Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y". |
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Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture. |
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Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture. |
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Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches. |
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Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand. |
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Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter. |
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Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room. |
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Stray cats will sleep outside. |
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Stray cats will sleep in the garage. |
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Stray cats will sleep in the house. |
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Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket. |
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Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow. |
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Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed. |
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Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot. |
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Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers. |
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Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot. |
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Stray cats will not play on the desk. |
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Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer. |
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Stray cats are forbidden to walk on my computer keyboard when I am relieving myself at alt.binaries.asdfjjhpmn9ugq[98e67b'c130cuibh]08h |
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Dogs don't cry |
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Dogs love it when friends come over |
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Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo |
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Dogs think you sing great |
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A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink |
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Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late |
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The later you are, the more excited they are to see you |
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Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs |
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Dogs don't notice if you call them by another name |
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Dogs are excited by rough play |
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Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away |
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Dogs love red meat |
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Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair |
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Anyone can get a good looking dog |
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If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it |
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Dogs don't shop |
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Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor |
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A dog's disposition stays the same all month long |
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Dogs never need to examine the relationship |
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A dog's parents never visit |
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Dogs love long car trips |
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Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions |
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Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were meant to be hunted |
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Dogs like beer |
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Dogs don't hate their bodies |
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No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood |
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Dogs never criticize |
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Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across |
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Dogs never expect gifts |
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Dogs don't worry about germs |
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Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had |
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Dogs like to do their snooping outdoors as opposed to in your wallet, desk and the back of your sock drawer |
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Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one |
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You never have to wait for a dog, They're ready to go 24 hours a day |
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Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry |
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Dogs don't borrow your shirts |
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Dogs never need foot-rubs |
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Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public |
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Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk |
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Both take up too much space on the bed. |
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Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. |
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Both mark their territory. |
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Neither tells you what's bothering them. |
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The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. |
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Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. |
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Neither does any dishes. |
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Both fart shamelessly. |
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Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. |
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Both like dominance games. |
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Both are suspicious of the postman. |
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Neither understands what you see in cats. |
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Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. |
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Dogs miss you when you're gone. |
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Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. |
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Dogs admit when they're jealous. |
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Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. |
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Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) |
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You can train a dog. |
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Dogs are easy to buy for. |
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The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gives it to you). |
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Dogs understand what "no" means. |
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Dogs mean it when they kiss you. |
You have to take into account doggie tactics. The chias surround the rottweiler, every time the rottweiler attacks the chias in front of him retreat, meanwhile whichever chia is behind him goes for the hamstring. Once the rottweiler is crippled, he is just so much kibble waiting to happen.
BUT: the rottweiler is also a dog. He will also have an(albeit smaller) pack present. So the chia's that retreat from his buddy will retreat right into him. Meanwhile, the others which are biting at the rottweilers hamstrings will get their butts chomped off by the rottweilers other buddies.
So let's look at this mathmatically...
Lets say that the chia's mass 1/5 of a rottweiler. Since the chia's are more powerful per unit mass than the rottweiler lets say that a chia is 1/4 as strong as the rottweiler and can mount 6/5 as many attacks per unit time.
Lets also say that it takes a rottweiler 2 bites to kill a chia and 32 chia bites can kill a rottweiler, since they're 1/4 as strong. This strength comparison is in Rottweiler Bite Units. Each chia can take 2RBU and the rottweiler can take 8RBU.
A rottweiler attack is 1RBU, a chia attack is .25RBU. So in a battle of equal mass, in the amount of time it takes the rottweiler to mount 2 attacks of strength 1RBU, the 5 chia's can mount 2*5*1/4*6/5=3.0 attacks of 1BRU. (2 attacks x 5 chia's x 1/4RBU/chia x 6/5attacks/time) So after the first time unit, the rottweiler has inflicted 2RBU of damage on the chia's and the chia's have inflicted 3RBU on the rottweiler. Since 2RBU kill a chia, their number is reduced by one. The rottweiler has 5RBU of strength left and the chia fleet has 2*4=8RBU of strength left.
In the second time unit, the rottweiler does 2 more RBU damage to the chia's and the chia's do 2*4*1/4*6/5=2.4RBU. Now the rottweiler has 2.6 RBU strength left and the chia's are again reduced in number by one, having total strength of 2*3=6RBU left. Again, the 3 remaining chia's do 2*3*3/10=1.8RBU damage on the rottweiler bringing it down to .8 and the chia's are reduced by 1 chia to 2*2=4RBU strength left.
Now the 2 left chia's do 2*2*1/4*6/5=1.2RBU damage to the rottweiler and the rottweiler does 2 RBU on the chia's reducing their number by 1, but the rottweiler is now dead.
WINNER: CHIHUAHUA'S - with 2RBU strength left
The chia's win, but barely.
And you wondered why you needed to take Algebra?
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1. |
Cats do what they want, when they want |
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2. |
They rarely listen to you |
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3. |
They're totally unpredictable |
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4. |
They whine when they are not happy |
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5. |
When you want to play they want to be alone |
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6. |
When you want to be alone, they want to play |
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7. |
They expect you to cater to their every whim |
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8. |
They're moody |
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9. |
They leave hair everywhere |
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10. |
They drive you nuts |
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Conclusion: |
They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats. |
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Anonymous
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Anonymous
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." - Anonymous
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S. Nichols
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer." - Bruce Graham
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
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Collie + Lhasa Apso |
Collapso, |
a dog that folds up for easy transport |
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Spitz + Chow Chow |
Spitz-Chow, |
a dog that throws up a lot |
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Pointer + Setter |
Poinsetter, |
a traditional Christmas pet |
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Great Pyrenees + Dachshund |
Pyradachs, |
a puzzling breed |
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Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso |
Peekasso, |
an abstract dog |
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Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel |
Irish Springer |
a dog fresh and clean as a whistle |
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Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever |
Lab Coat Retriever |
the choice of research scientists |
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Newfoundland + Basset Hound |
Newfound Asset Hound |
a dog for financial advisors |
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Terrier + Bulldog |
Terribull |
a dog that makes awful mistakes |
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Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier |
Blue Skye |
a dog for visionaries |
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Bloodhound + Labrador |
Blabador |
a dog that barks incessantly |
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Malamute + Pointer |
Moot Point |
owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway |
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Collie + Malamute |
Commute |
a dog that travels to work |
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Deerhound + Terrier |
Derriere |
a dog that's true to the end |
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Bull Terrier + Shitzu |
Bull Shitzu |
a gregarious but unreliable breed |