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Steven S. Billings

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Saturday, March 31, 2007

WACKED?

Apparently, after my last blog, some woman that I don't even know, who has been receiving my blogs from another woman in Texas that I don't even know, decided that she needed to give me advice on my how to handle my love-life.

According to her, the fact that I have talked to a few women and even dated a couple, must surely mean that I need help.  After all, since she left her scumbag husband who preferred cybersex to real sex with her, God has now dropped in her lap the most perfect 45-year-old never-been-married man the world has ever known.  And she has not done a *thing* to look for a new man!  Wow!  Good for her!

Of course, it's obvious that her new man was doing something to find her.  But my doing anything at all to find someone ... that's sure evidence that I need counseling.

You know what?  Whoever you are ... you need to ask yourself why Mr. Perfect is 45 and never married.  You also could ask yourself how anyone at all could find someone if everybody is "not looking."  *Somebody* has to be looking, or nobody would ever be found.

So, yeah, I've had maybe 6 dates in two years.  And I haven't so much as held hands, but I guess I'm some kind of freak.

Yeah, whatever. 

Oh, and thanks for the links to every divorce recovery group known to man, but I already have my support system.  And guess what ...

... you ain't in it.

 
5:17 pm est

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

LONG TIME, NO BLOG

Yeah, it's been awhile since I straight-up blogged about my day-to-day.  So, since I'm still having trouble sleeping despite the Tylenol PM, I thought I'd set out some thoughts that have been bouncing around my noggin.

My album is steadily progressing, so that's a good thing.  We're perhaps 2/3 done with it now.  I have no idea yet what will happen once it's completed.  I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I get there.  For now, I know what I have to do next, and then a few steps after that.  I guess I'm counting on God and my close friends to help me decide what comes after that.

The church is going ok, although synodical issues are driving me nuts.  I wish they'd just leave me alone and go peddle their self-congratulatory back-patting elsewhere.  It's a very busy time, as any pastor knows.  This week is especially full, as we have not only the extra Lenten service, but also a funeral.  Wait ... was that my tail I just saw disappear around the corner?

My personal life (read: relationships with women) continues to be a total flop.  The 2nd anniversary of my divorce passed by earlier this month.  That was annoying.  But, Cheryl, I think I get it now.  I really suck at this relationship thing.  So, I understand why you left.  Heck, I'd leave me too.  What an idiot I am, when it comes to dating and romance.  But, hey, at least I'm not sleeping with a married person, so I've got one over on you there!  I know you left because you felt you had the "right" to be happy.  But I'd bet my last penny that you're anything but happy.  So, I guess you spent you uncle's inheritance for nothing.  Nice goin'.  Nah, I'm not bitter.  Ok, I am a little, but anyways ...

I just can't seem to ever get it right.  No matter how I try to change my approach, my expectations, my choices, etc., I always seem to end up being attracted to women who are bad for me -- women who are depressed, miserable, and needy.  Yeah, you know who you are!  And if you're reading this and get offended, well, that's just tough, because it's the truth, and if you're honest with yourself, you know it is.  I know I'm probably ticking off several of my so-called "friends," but the way I figure it, I've got plenty of real friends left, and I'm sick of holding all this inside.  So, here's the lay of the land, like it or not:

M tm'd me to say that on Easter we'll "celebrate" 9 years since we first met.  That's cool.  Man, did I fall for her!  Not then, mind you; I was still married.  But after my divorce, I really let my feelings loose.  Of course, in the end, I got what I always get: "I just want to be friends."  Blech.  I hate hearing that.  Thank you, M, for being the one God used to get my creativity flowing again.  I do appreciate our friendship after all, and I recognize that our religious views are not harmonious enough for a marriage.  Yes, I count you as a dear sister in Christ, but I am no charismatic, and you deny the sacraments.  That works ok for friends, but for husband and wife ... huh uh.  It's a shame, too, because there's so much we do have in common.  But, as it always happens for me: close, but not quite.

Then there's K.  She came along about a year after M.  Beautiful, witty, great sense of humor ... one minute.  Then, dark, cynical, gloomy, depressed.  But I guess it's all a moot point now, because she's marrying B, even though she doesn't really want to.  Sad.  There are many things I love about her.  Religiously, we are very much in agreement, but politically, we are at opposite poles.  So, again, while we may remain friends with such conflicting views, a marriage between us would be problematic, to say the least.  Yup, once again: close, but not quite.

Recently, there was H.  She was different than all the others ... or so I thought.  This one really bothers me, because I thought I had chosen differently.  She's not the typical "glamour" girl that I'm usually attracted to.  She's very "girl-next-door" in her appearance.  Mind you, I think she's lovely.  But she keeps it under-stated.  In the end, however, I discovered that she is just like all the rest: gloomy, defeatist, depressed.  Ack!  But then, again, it doesn't really matter, because she, too, "only wants to be friends."  Man, I just can't catch a break.

Along the way there have been some others with whom I've visited.  L is very nice.  She has two adopted daughters.  I'm very good friends with her family, especially her brother.  Sad thing is, I'm just not attracted to her.  At all.  C has been a good friend over the years.  We, too, have much in common, religiously and politically.  I just am not attracted to her physically.  Not a very good thing to have missing in a marriage, right, K?  Another C is very nice, and we have done some fun things together.  But I dunno.  I'm just not gettin' any sparks there.  Close, but not quite.

P, on the other hand, is an absolute nut case who will not leave me alone.  She keeps trying to talk me into jumping into the sack with her, and I will not.  Obviously, it's not what I'm about, but she doesn't seem to care about that, or she just doesn't get it.  At this point I refuse to have anything at all to do with her, and it's going to stay that way.  Permanently.  Period.

And there are any number of women I've met online who seem very interested in me, but there's no interest on my end.  And there have been some that I've been interested in, but the feelings are not mutual.

So it just never seems to work.  I know that the one common denominator in all these failed relationships is me.  But at this point I don't know what to do about it.  I guess for right now I just need to wait until I figure out who would be good for me and learn to recognize earlier those traits I'm trying to avoid.  It just seems like the best women are already spoken for.  I have an idea of the kind of woman I'd like to end up with, but I just don't have any faith that it can actually happen that way for me.  God forgive me.  God help me.

Now, if you've stumbled across this post and recognize your initial, I'm sorry if I've offended you.  Pray for me.  And please don't hate me.

Ah, go ahead.  Hate me.  Why not?  I guess I should get used to it.  I should be used to it by now, anyway.  After all, it's the story of my life.  But, hey, I may get some new songs out of it, so I suppose that's something to look forward to. ;)

1:31 am est

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For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
(Philippians 1:21)

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