Steven S. Billings

I've heard of them, but I never noticed myself going through them before. Perhaps it's because of the kind of year 2005 was, or perhaps it was because this was a Holy Season of not-so-good "firsts" for me – the first as a divorced man, the first without my mom, etc.

At any rate, I think I now know what the post-holiday season is like for a lot of people. A couple of weeks ago, I was as cranky as I've ever been. Nothing good was in sight. There was no expectation that things would improve any time soon.

In the midst of such trying times, I did what has recently become (re-become?) my method of coping – I wrote a song. It may seem a bit morbid upon the first reading, but if you look past the apparent gloominess, what I am trying to convey is the Scriptural notion that here we have no abiding city. Whatever fleeting peace we may enjoy in this life cannot compare to that which awaits us in heaven, in the very presence of our Savior. Believe me, I'm in no hurry to leave this life. But, at a time of God's choosing, I will be delighted to lay this body to rest and receive my promised inheritance with Him on account of His love for me in Christ Jesus my Lord.

So, without further adieu, I give you the lyrics for my new song.

I WISH I WERE AT PEACE
by Steven S. Billings
1-11-2006

I'm not a peaceful man; How I wish I were!
I wish, I pray, for the day That my soul's at rest.
For I can't seem to be, No matter how I try,
To be at peace, sweet release To smooth my knitted brow.

But my worries and my fears, My anger and my tears,
Can't conceal, but reveal That I'm still in the test.
For others I can see, But it's not meant for me.
I've never known what others own; Perhaps someday, somehow.

I'll be at peace; I'll be at rest,
With all my cares behind me And my arms across my chest.
With eyelids closed And six feet down;
My soul will fly to heaven While my body's in the ground.
And finally I'll have found My peace.

But until then I'll carry on, Living day by day;
Knowing You are with me too, Walking hand in hand.
If only knowing this Could bring me some relief,
Could take control of my soul And mend this shattered man.

For knowing doesn't heal Or make griefs go away;
When woes torment, won't relent, And darkness rules the day,
I bring my heart to You And lay it at Your feet;
It always serves to calm my nerves With hope of that shining land.

Where I'll have peace; I'll be at rest,
With all my cares behind me And my arms across my chest.
With eyelids closed And six feet down;
My soul will fly to heaven While my body's in the ground.
And finally I'll have found My peace.

Picture two scenes at an altar. The first is a wedding. The groom is singing to his bride. Having made many mistakes in his past, he has finally learned the meaning of being a faithful Christian husband, and is pledging all that he is and has to the gracious gift of God, his wife.

In the second scene, the groom is now the bride -- the bride of Christ. And instead of pledging his all to his wife, he is pledging it to his Savior. Notice that it is not just the good things in his life that he surrenders to Jesus, but the bad as well. It's a package deal.

The demo you will hear on the "Me" Stuff page includes a 24-voice backing choir -- all me! This was hard to sing, due to the emotional content. At one point you can almost hear the tears. I have thought about going back and recording over that spot. But for now, and for this demo, I'll leave them in -- as a reminder to me at least -- of what this song means.

As far as the second scene is concerned, it is my daily existence. There's a lot of pain and sorrow in my life that I continue to struggle against, trying to leave it all at the foot of the cross. But struggle I will, and I know that one day God will grant me victory.

Part of that pain is that the first scene is something that at this point in my life I can only imagine. How I would love to have a new lease on life. What I wouldn't give to find that special person to be my bride, to give my all, to love and be loved. But for now I must be content to be the bride, praying that one day I can again be the groom.

I GIVE IT ALL TO YOU
by Steven S. Billings

Verse 1

Standing at this altar; Your hand in mine
I've never been more happy Than at this place and time
I used to be so selfish With all that I owned
But it cost me so dearly; Even broke up my home

But I thank my Savior For a new lease on life
And weep tears of joy Just to call you my wife
And from all that I've learned, I know what to do
Take all that I am And give it to you

Chorus 1

All of my hopes, All of my dreams
All of my plans, All of my schemes
All of my doubts, All of my fears
All of my love, Through all the years
Though great or small, I give it all
To you

Verse 2

Kneeling at this altar, My heart in Your hands
Dear Lord, I surrender This broken man
I've been so lonely; Jesus, You know
About all the sorrow That I can't let go

Savior, I need You More than I need breath
And I know You love me; You loved me to death
Lord God, that tells me What I need to do
Take all that I am And give it to You

Chorus 2

All of my hopes, All of my dreams
All of my plans, All of my schemes
My heart and soul, Each song that I sing
I hold nothing back; I give everything
Though great or small, I give it all
To You