by The Wine Snob

 

t seems like alcohol has been around humans as long as oral sex. Perhaps there is a connection, which I will formulate later. No matter how good it is, from a bottle of Château neuf-du-Pape, to a bottle of Thunder Bird, there seems to be an uniform result the consumer desires: to get drunk or at least get that comfortable "buzz". The difference in the quality of booze, especially wine, is usually related to factors such as age, care taken during production and even how fancy the bottle is. Here at SPLUNGE INC., we drink a lot -- and I mean a lot. Why, right now I'm drunk while writing this. So, we figured, why should our readers have to drink bottle after bottle. . . after bottle in order to find the best bargain at the local grocery store. Just read what our "experts" have to say about that potential purchase and save yourself some money for drugs, hookers and bail. Wine can be broken down into different classifications of quality. Usually the quality of wine is reflected in its price,but it's not always accurate. I've had good bottles for $5.99 and bad ones for $23.99, so don't be fooled by price alone. The classifications can be broken down from cheapest to most expensive, as indicated on the right:
Jug Wine: Those big-ass bottles usually seen at art gallery openings. Sometimes sold in that cheap-tasting box form.
Premium: The stuff you can find at the grocery store between $7-$15. This is what I usually buy; after all, I'm not Thurston Howell the Third. 
Super Premium: Still in my price range when I want to save a bottle just for Christmas. About $16-$35
Noble Wines: Forget buying this stuff. We're talking hundreds to thousands of dollars. Again, why spend a thousand dollars on a bottle of wine? Use it for that hooker, bail thing. 
Hooch: This isn't in the official wine qualification chart, but I had to come up with something which would be better used as paint thinner. For the sake of our budget-minded (see cheap) reader, I'll try to review nothing that costs more than $12.99. Using the wine quality names, I have assigned a rating system. That way, even a $6.99 bottle could taste like a noble wine (not bloody likely). 
Guenoc 1997 Chardonnay $7.99 A decent/okay bouquet but it had a little too much of a rubbing alcohol taste to it. A shame, because Guenoc makes a kick-ass Sauvignon Blanc. 
Hacienda 1997 Sauvignon Blanc $4.99 Very tart, but settles fast. A long-lasting impression in the mouth and a nice texture. Still, it's too damn tart and young. They make a better Cabernet. 
Fetzer 1997 Sundial Chardonnay $6.99 Crisp and light, and a good price. Flavors of honey and oak. I've had this wine on more than one occasion and it's always been good, especially with a pasta dish.
Zabaco 1994 Chardonnay $5.99 Apparently my nemesis was trying to poison me and switched a bottle of wine for a bottle of PineSol. Not to be drunk unless you're into urine. Sometimes when I get a bottle as bad as this, I at least try to cook with it. But the only thing I could do with this bottle is hit it over the head of a cowboy during my next bar fight. 
Chateau Souverain 1993 Cabernet Sauvignon $10.99 Dark, rich, smoky cherry and oak flavors. Excellent bouquet and a smooth finish. 
Ravenswood Vintners Blend 1997 Merlot $10.99 Literally the best Merlot I've had, and I'm not saying that because I'm hoping someone at their winery will read this and send me a case of the stuff. It's very well done. Smoky, smooth and warm. Cherry and vanilla flavors.