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Cowboy boots
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten
students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little
boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she
had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure
enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again
she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he
said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered
up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now,
where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
 Her trial starts next month.
Author Unknown
One
Wish
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned it off,
and suddenly a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie
said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I
can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map?
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another
wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all
the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a gentle, kind, and understanding mate."
The Genie let out
a long sigh, scratched his head and said, "Let me see that map again!"
Author
Unknown
This is so funny, yet true to life,
especially in my case. For so many years I took all of my spiritual responsibilities as habit. I didn't really mean the prayers;
I just said them out of duty, (And because my Mom made me). I didn't realize that praying is simply talking to God in a manner
as that of a child. I hope you enjoy this story as much as I.
Our Father Who Art In Heaven........YES? Don't interrupt me. I'm praying........ BUT --YOU CALLED ME. Called you? No, I didn't call you. I'm praying. Our Father who art in heaven.........THERE -- YOU DID IT AGAIN. Did what?........CALLED ME. YOU SAID, "OUR FATHER, WHO
ART IN HEAVEN." WELL, HERE I AM. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? But, I didn't mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the
day. I always say the Lord's Prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of like fulfilling a duty........ WELL, ALL RIGHT. GO ON. Okay, Hallowed be Thy name........HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY THAT? By
what?........BY
"HALLOWED BE THY NAME"? It means, it means ... good grief, I don't know what it means. How in the world should I know? It's just a part
of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean?.........IT MEANS HONORED, HOLY, WONDERFUL. Hey, that makes sense. I never thought about what 'hallowed'
meant before. Thanks. Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven........DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT? Sure, why not?........WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT? Doing? Why, nothing, I guess. I just think
it would be kind of neat if you got control of everything down here like you have up there. We're kinda in a mess down here
you know. YES,
I KNOW; BUT, HAVE I GOT CONTROL OF YOU? Well, I go to church.......THAT ISN'T WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHAT ABOUT YOUR BAD TEMPER? YOU'VE REALLY GOT A PROBLEM THERE, YOU KNOW. AND THEN THERE'S THE WAY YOU
SPEND YOUR MONEY -- ALL ON YOURSELF. AND WHAT ABOUT THE KIND OF BOOKS YOU READ? Now hold on just a minute! Stop picking on me! I'm just as good
as some of the rest of those people at church! EXCUSE ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE PRAYING FOR MY WILL TO BE DONE. IF THAT IS TO HAPPEN, IT WILL HAVE TO START
WITH THE ONES WHO ARE PRAYING FOR IT. LIKE YOU -- FOR EXAMPLE. Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it,
I could probably name some others........SO COULD I. I haven't thought about it very much until now, but I really would like to cut out some of those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free. GOOD. NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. WE'LL WORK TOGETHER -- YOU AND ME. I'M PROUD OF YOU. Look, Lord, if you don't mind, I need
to finish up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does. Give us this day, our daily bread........YOU NEED TO CUT OUT THE BREAD. YOU'RE
OVERWEIGHT AS IT IS. Hey, wait a minute! What is this? Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind
me of all my hang-ups. PRAYING IS A DANGEROUS THING. YOU JUST MIGHT GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR. REMEMBER, YOU CALLED ME -- AND HERE I AM. IT'S
TOO LATE TO STOP NOW. KEEP PRAYING........pause........WELL, GO ON.........I'm scared to.........SCARED? OF WHAT? I know what you'll say........ TRY ME.
Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us........ WHAT ABOUT JOANNE? See? I knew it! I knew you would bring her up! Why,
Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories. She never paid back the money she owes me. I've sworn to get even with her!
BUT --
YOUR PRAYER -- WHAT ABOUT YOUR PRAYER?
I didn't -- mean it........ WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE HONEST. BUT, IT'S QUITE A LOAD CARRYING AROUND ALL THAT BITTERNESS
AND RESENTMENT ISN'T IT? Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her. Boy, have I got some plans for her. She'll wish she
had never been born.
NO, YOU WON'T FEEL ANY BETTER. YOU'LL FEEL WORSE. REVENGE ISN'T SWEET. YOU KNOW HOW UNHAPPY YOU ARE -- WELL, I CAN CHANGE THAT.
You can? How?.......FORGIVE JOANNE. THEN, I'LL FORGIVE YOU;
AND THE HATE AND SIN WILL BE JOANNE'S PROBLEM -- NOT YOURS. YOU WILL HAVE SETTLED THE PROBLEM AS FAR AS YOU ARE CONCERNED.
Oh, you know, you're right. You always
are. And more than I want revenge, I want to be right with You..., (sigh). All right...all right...I forgive her....... THERE NOW! WONDERFUL! HOW DO YOU FEEL?
Hmmmm. Well, not bad. Not bad at
all! In fact, I feel pretty great! You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight. I haven't been getting much rest,
you know.
YEAH,
I KNOW. BUT, YOU'RE NOT THROUGH WITH YOUR PRAYER ARE YOU? GO ON. Oh, all right. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
GOOD! GOOD!
I'LL DO THAT. JUST DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN BE TEMPTED.
What do you mean by that?.......YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Yeah. I know........OKAY. GO AHEAD. FINISH YOUR PRAYER.
For Thine is the kingdom, and the power,
and the glory forever. Amen. DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BRING ME GLORY -- WHAT WOULD REALLY MAKE ME HAPPY?
No, but I'd like to know. I want to please you
now.
I've really made a mess of things. I want to truly follow you. I can see now how great that would be. So, tell me
... how do I make you happy?
Author Unknown
 YOU
JUST DID!
 A burglar breaks into a house late at night and is creeping
across the pitch black sitting room when he suddenly hears someone say, "Watch out Jesus is behind you!" He quickly flicks
on his torch to see a parrot in front of him. He breaths a sigh of relief when again the parrot says, "Watch out Jesus is
behind you!" The burgular smiles asks the parrot, "Whats your name?" The parrot replies, "Moses." The burglar laughs and says,
"What person would call a parrot Moses?!" and the parrot replies, "The same one that named a rottweiler Jesus!"A burglar breaks
into a house late at night and is creeping across the pitch black sitting room when he suddenly hears someone say, "Watch
out Jesus is behind you!" He quickly flicks on his torch to see a parrot in front of him. He breaths a sigh of relief when
again the parrot says, "Watch out Jesus is behind you!" The burgular smiles asks the parrot, "Whats your name?" The parrot
replies, "Moses." The burglar laughs and says, "What person would call a parrot Moses?!" and the parrot replies, "The same
one that named a rottweiler Jesus!"
Author Unknown
 This next one is really cute. Several friends have sent this
to me, and I thought it would be really nice to share with all of you out there in WWW-Land.
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Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same
boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old,
someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs
to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Eight:
Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs;
the Titanic by professionals. Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
Author Unknown
Baseball
in Heaven?
Two old guys, Fred and
George, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Fred turns to George
and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Fred thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you
do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Fred passes on.
One day, George is sitting
in the park feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "George... George..." George responds, "Fred! Is
that you?" "Yes it is, George," whispers Fred's ghost. George, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well,"
says Fred, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says George. Fred says, "Well... Yes, there is
baseball in heaven." George says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Fred sighs and whispers, "You're
pitching on Friday."
Author Unknown
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