The 99th Fuck You

The setting is the 1997 Flipside Awards at Spaceland in Silver Lake. Four members of the now defunct band, The 99th Fuck You, huddle together in the crowded, smoky hallway near the men's room in the back of the club. They present a strange mix of styles: Billie in fur hat, a spokesperson for the carnal consumption tour, Scott with dreadlocked hair and winter military coat (punker or a hosehead ala the Mackenzie Brothers), a Quentin Tarantino-Larry Flynt hybrid, whom I'll call Quentin to protect his reputation, and finally the silent Evan, who spoke not a word during the whole ordeal.

At first these musical interlopers react to questions with inhibition and reservation. They think they're being interviewed for the legitimate press. I quickly break them in with some stupid questions to clue them in on the illegitimacy of the occasion.

What do you guys think of the Flippies?

Scott: It's gonna make a lot of people happy and proud.
Billy: It's really exciting.

What do you do in the band Scott?

Scott: Kick ass.
Billy: That's what we all do.
Scott: Yeah we all kick ass, its not just me.
Quentin: Yeah!

You guys this isn't a formal interview so you can say whatever you want.

Quentin: We was born in Sylmar in a garage. Scott and Billy were doing things together for a long ass time....and just when grandpa got the bedpan I found them and then we played guitars in the garage with Billy changing the bedpan.

Well O.K then.

Scott: It was cold.
Quentin: It was cold and Billy used to stand outside in the snowman's outfit and play the guitar and it was so cold that our finger's would hurt.

Scott [annoyed and interrupting]: Anyway...uhh...we are uh--

Billy: Trying to do our best, we're really trying. It's not working here.

Scott [with feigned shock and indignation]: That was the girl's bathroom!

Quentin[ignoring Scott's observation]: Very much like an orchestra. Very much like a concerto. Every performance is you know....every note is thought out.

Scott: One of our problems is that we wrote songs that are way too hard for us to play.

Billy: We're not very good musicians.

Scott: We're not musicians at all!

Quentin: But we play in an orchestra--a rock'n roll orchestra.

Scott [earnestly]: We're trying to pull it off and we hope you like it--a lot of people don't.

Quentin: Maybe we need Salonen to conduct us or teach us how to play the music appropriately.

A friend of the 99th Fuck You walks towards the men's room. Billy yells at him and grabs him before he can escape into the restroom.

Billy: Ask Blaze a question about The 99th Fuck You. Just be honest Blaze.

So Blaze what's your opinion of the band?

Blaze: I think they're highly overrated and I don't think you have to get naked every time just to prove that you're any good.

Quentin: Well he's just afraid of homosexual sexuality.

Blaze: We've all got penises and pouring oil on your dick doesn't necessarily make you a better man. Other than that I like them a lot. I think they're great.

Quentin: Look, that kind of hatred, that kind of cowardly hatred can only come from self-hate.

Blaze[disengaging for the urinals]: All I can say is that if Kate likes them, I like them.

Quentin: Yeah, you big fag.

Scott: Well his name is Blaze.

Blaze [popping out of the bathroom and pointing to Quentin]: His father must have abused him as a child.

At this point Scott, Billy and Quentin notice Evan hiding in the bathroom and begin yelling at him to come back out.

Scott: This is your big 15 minutes.

Quentin: Anyway, most punkers hate us.

Scott [noticing the group of guys waiting to get into the bathroom]: You can come through!

Billy: Come on, get in here.

Scott: Alright then just stay there. We're going to be here a while.

Deciding to take the reigns again for a few seconds I pose another question.

What do you guy's think of the Silver Lake scene?

Billy [dismissively]: We were here for years before that.

Scott: We're the originals.

So are you going to cash in on the hype?

Quentin: No, because everyone hates us.

As he says these last words he approaches me menacingly and then quickly returns to his spot near the back wall. The other members of the band begin to appraise Quentin's appearance.

When are you playing next?

Quentin: We're playing next at the Punktopia. Have you ever heard of that alternative term--

Scott: Somebody says we're punk but they're fucking idiots.

Billy: No they're not. Scott, we're totally punk.

Scott: No we're not!

Billy: We're [he pauses and then takes another tack] Punk's not dead, Scott.

Scott becomes silent and then whispers: Punks not dead, that's right.

Looking for some controversy I comment on Billy's fur hat and ask if it's real fur.

Billy: Yeah it's real. It's for our animal carnage and consumption tour.

I try again for the confrontational approach.
Nudity is a part of your act?

I'm hit with a resounding NO!

Scott: We don't have an act.

Billy: What the hell. We don't have an act.

Scott: Who told you that? God damn!

Billy: That guy saw one show.

Scott: What an asshole.

Quentin: One homophobic Flipside speed freak mother fucka!

Scott: Fuck ! I hate that guy!

Scott [calming down and readying himself for an important statement]: We just wanna . . . it's supposed to be kinda dreamy, you know, when you see us. Maybe like you're having a dream or something and there's a guy, he's naked but he doesn't do anything about it.

Billy: Sometimes.

Scott: He just, he's naked. You know...it's not the nakedness, it's the paint that's on him that's important.

Billy: Nobody cares about it.

Scott: Everybody's seen a ding dong before. Nobody cares.

Quentin: Listen. When you wake up in the morning and you've got to masturbate, you don't call the newspaper and tell them you're going to do it, you just do it and it just comes.

Scott [crinkles his brow and turns to Quentin]: What's that supposed to mean?