I was a Cutter ~ Self Mutilator
*This true story has graphic details*
When I was a teenager, I was the only cutter
I knew. There were no other peers that I had known that mutilated their own bodies like I did. Today, however, it is very
common and from what I read online 10% of teenage girls are cutters and inflict self injury on themselves. I would like to
share a little bit of my testimony on being a self mutilator and why I am no longer one today. I understand that each person
has their own story full of different circumstances than I had. But yet still… deliverance comes from the same source
no matter what the story.
It all began when I was fairly young. Around
the age of 13 I began carving into my arms. It introduced me to the sight and sensation of blood seeping out from my arms
and the ‘release’ that came with it. The carving soon led to violent slashes into my arms, wrists, legs and neck.
It always started the same way… overwhelming feelings would crowd my mind. Feelings of intense anger and animosity (hatred)…
always feeling no one understood me or even cared. Feelings of severe loneliness and a sense of my mind just wanting to explode.
Usually leading to a wild crying outburst as I desperately searched for something to begin slicing myself up with. Sometimes
razors were used, sometimes knives, sharp metal objects, broken glass… whatever I could find. Didn’t matter what
it was. What mattered is, “Will it make me bleed?” All the while, crying hysterically, pulling out my hair, screaming,
groaning loudly, slamming my head against the wall, punching myself and scratching myself up. And then… after the gashes
in my arms were flowing with dark rich blood, I would smear the blood onto a notebook and begin to write all the horrible,
dreadful things I wanted to do to others and vented all my raging anger onto the paper.
An example of some of the thoughts that infiltrated
my mind… I remember sitting behind another student in one of my classes while staring at the back of their head and
envisioning myself gouging out their eyes, tearing off their limbs one by one, and slicing them up into little pieces. I also
remember envisioning all the people around me drowning in my puke as I stood by laughing and feeling satisfaction in watching
them gasp for air as they were being sucked down into my vomit.
The frenzy fits went on for many years…
I wanted the episodes to stop. My body and mind were weary. Eventually I got married and my husband recalls staying up all
night many nights trying to keep me from cutting myself up and from slamming my body and head against walls. It would go on
for hours and hours until my body physically dropped to the floor and I fell asleep. One evening my husband broke his toe
trying to stop me from running in front of a car. I was extremely suicidal and exceptionally depressed. I couldn’t understand
why I had these overpowering emotions and the wicked, depraved thoughts. I never dreamed that my life would consist of blood
and gore and death and darkness.
Now believe me, many counselors, psychiatrists,
psychologists and the like were sought. I spent a numerous amount of years listening to their counsel. I had been labeled
many things and was offered many drugs. No one seemed to have been qualified to help me. I was frequently told that they could
not help me and they would proceed to give me someone else’s contact information. Someone who was more qualified to
help me. But they never were. I was a living testimony that counseling was not the answer. The truth is it actually made me
worse!! They had me so focused on myself and offered empty advice it worsened my condition for sure! They searched and prodded
to find some sort of abuse that had caused these powerful emotions. There had been no sexual abuse as a child that I can remember,
there had been no abnormal family abuse that I know of. They were baffled. What was the cause of this extremely violent, abusive
Now I understand that there are many books, websites
and reading materials on this topic. They all seem to have expert advice on how to help someone with this condition and why
they do it. I have yet to find one that I agree with. From my own living testimony, I do know what the cause was and what
the cure is. And the Bible, the Word of God confirms my belief. In Mark chapter 5 it talks about a man who hung out in the
tombs and had crying fits and cut himself up with stones. It goes on to tell how he was possessed with many demons. I truly
believe the same demonic spirits exist today and torment thousands upon thousands of people with the same influence. I believe
this is why I could not stop the cutting on my own. Demons were in complete control of my mind and body during these episodes.
Sound crazy? Yes, it certainly does! But that does not mean it cannot be true. My purpose for putting up this site is to help
other women to be delivered from self mutilation just as I was. I was delivered at the age of 28 years old when I became a
Christian. And since that day, I have not cut myself not one time and have NO DESIRE to cut myself all up… at all! The
scriptures teach that those who the Son (Jesus) sets free are free indeed! And I am free from cutting up my own body parts!
Praise be to Jesus! Glory hallelujah! Deliverance has come! And the wonderful news for you and for someone you know who cuts…
Jesus can deliver you too!
I have had this burden on my heart for years
to be of some help to others who cut themselves. I am not a psychologist or professional counselor of any sort. I am though
a past self mutilator who has the scars as proof of my past life of cutting. I know the feelings of overwhelming rage and
know the powerful feelings that bring a person to the place of cutting themselves all up. I also am one who has overcome this
and want to be a shoulder to cry on, a friend that listens, one who consoles and one who can give some useful advice.
Just an added note: The Lord Jesus Christ has
also delivered me from drugs, alcohol, depression and even cigarettes! I am here to tell you that the Lord Jesus Christ is
a deliverer!! You don’t have to spend the rest of your life mutilating your own body. You can be free… totally
free from this!! Please contact me with any questions. Maybe you just need someone to talk to who “understands.”
Maybe you want someone to pray for you or with you. Maybe you just needs to vent your anger and emotions. PLEASE!.. Contact
me! My whole purpose for this site is to help YOU!
In Christ’s love and service,