I had a lot of trouble getting the fire going - it took me about an hour. I used my fire starters and kindling provided and finally got it going. It states (on the fire starting instructions) that it takes about an hour to get things to a comfortable level.

3:10 pm

I don't think this will be a totally silent retreat, as I brought a small radio, but this is solitary and quiet. It is warming up to some extent.

I am at a crossroads. I believe I have taken some positive steps. First, I have eliminated the job that has been the source of so much frustration. My previous job gave a decent, though not great, paycheck, yet the frustrations and anger I have felt toward the company for these past few years inhibited me from truly thinking and working toward my ministry goal. Though I am making considerably less money, I should be happier.

4:25 pm

I read Galatians Chapter 1. In this chapter Paul admonishes the church for turning away from God (as) they are trying to find a different way to heaven that Paul feels does not lead to heaven at all. This opens the door to some other thoughts...

I have constantly been surrounded by those who feel there is only one way to heaven. I am not sure at this point if there is only one way. It is interesting that later in the book in Chapter 2 he admonishes Peter for eating with the Jews as opposed to the Gentiles. Apparently, Peter was worried what the Jewish friends of  James would think.

I sometimes think of the strife that infects local churches right now. Often times it is issues with language and change. Often, people hear what there experience allows them to hear, not what is really said. Words that have one meaning to people from a certain culture or tradition have different meanings for others. People get an ax to grind and stop listening. People make quick judgments and make rash decisions without reaching out.

5:40 pm

I have returned from a short walk. The paths are extremely icy. The cabin is quite warm and very comfortable.

I finished more of Galatians. Paul is concentrating on those Christians who feel that they must follow Jewish law. The point he makes that I really like is this from Galatians 3:10 forward: "Yes and those who depend on the Jewish Laws to same them are under God's curse, for the scriptures point out very clearly: 'cursed is everyone who at any time breaks a single one of these laws that are written in God's Book of Law. Consequently, it is clear that no one can ever win God's favor by trying to keep the Jewish laws..."

One thing that I have struggled with is where law and rules fit into this ministry quest. I have spent time with many Christians who are obsessed by rules. They feel that to be saved all that is required is faith, and to discard any vices. This faith to me seems kind of dead. I have a friend who feels that all that is required is to believe that Jesus died for your sins and to accept Christ as Savior. There is no emphasis on anything else. My friend tells me that according to my friend's law, works are meaningless. There seems to be no love in this faith at all, just motivated self interest; in other words: "I just don't want to go to Hell."

6:25 pm

It is getting dark. This has been very peaceful. Honestly, I have never really been this alone before, at least not for a long time. It's not the easiest thing. I thought this would clear my mind, but I have trouble quieting it down! I guess I am committed.

I feel a bit on edge. I am used to so many stimuli! All I hear is the sound of the fireplace and the wind outside which has picked up. I sometimes worry about the car parked a mile and a half away!

I have been thinking about faith and the Civil War. I am amazed at the extent to which the generals and those fighting the war believed that God was on each of their respective sides. Stonewall Jackson, for example, was very devout. The only think I kind of have a problem with is the fact that they believed that killing was okay. I am especially troubled at his authorizing the execution of deserters, his thought that giving the enemy "the bayonet" was okay. He felt that he had no control and all that happened was God's will. These people truly believed that God approved of their war, their cause, and the killing.

We have these same issues today. People actually believe that it is okay to do pre-emptive strikes, that it is okay to kill! The United Methodist Church must take a stronger stand on this stuff. We tend to want to be the Church that Doesn't Offend Anyone.

My God- I do not believe in a God that meddles actively in the affairs of humans. We don't win wars because God is on our side, we don't necessarily get well because God heals us. A lot of these things are left up to us. If we act accordingly to how God wants us to act, and we do the things that Christians should do, then generally things will work out for the better. I have freewill issues, and issues of science.

Evolution-  Evolution is okay by me. We really don't know how life came about on this planet, other than that God created it. The creation story is an attempt by those of the time to come to grips with the why and how of it all. I take things as true, but not necessarily in a literal sense. Therefore, evolution works for me because Genesis says to me: "God created."

7:10 pm

More Galatians: Paul speaks of Abraham. God declared him fit because he believed God's promises. Paul goes on to say that the children of Abraham are those who truly trust in God.

Trusting in God...what does this mean TODAY? We are told to trust in God for everything. "God will provide." Yet, to try to operate like this in today's society can get you nowhere on your faith journey.

Perhaps, "trusting in God" means that good things ten to happen to those who live out their faith. In other words, those that do God's will tend to be blessed because they do not sow the seeds of evil. I don't know if I have the faith that says that things are in "God's hands" as God also has given us freewill to choose. The only way I can reconcile this is that trusting in God roughly translates to trusting in the word of God - that what we are told to do is true, and that if we base our actions on Christ's model, we are trusting in Christ's message.

I have little patience for those that say bad things happen because God wills it. God wills no evil on anyone. I am struck by C.S. Lewis' experience after his wife Joy died. Lewis was miserable, and some said to him: "At least you have your faith." Lewis reacted angrily to this. Much like when he was a child and lost his mother, he had a hard time dealing with the nature of a God that let such bad things happen to people. I have never read how he eventually dealt with that. I believe, knowing Lewis as I do though his other writings, that he realized that God does not cause bad things to happen, sometimes they just do.

I cannot buy into a God that is active and wills good or bad things to happen. As I think about the American Civil War, over 450,000 soldiers died in that war, It was bloody, brutal, and the pain and suffering not only on the fight men but on may of the civilian population was terrible. God was on neither side.

I am sure that God did not like slavery, yet I am sure that God would condemn the actions of abolitionist John Brown, who used violence in his campaign against slavery. Also, God would have no love for any of the violent rebellions, even those initiated by the slaves, that marked the era of abolition of slavery. God does not will the evil of violence. He cannot! One of God's commandments is: YOU SHALL NOT KILL.

By the way, regarding the Ten Commandments, I learned something interesting regarding the Ten Commandments monuments that are outside some of the courthouses. Interestingly, a number of these were promotional items for the movie of the same name. They were not originally put there by the government. Their original purpose was to sell a film. Interesting.

In regards to the commandment "Thou shall not kill," many who support the death penalty have stated that a more literal translation should be: "Thou shall not murder." Many denominations also state that the Old Testament gives the authority to kill.  To me, and to most people, murder is a pre-meditated action. That's why we have different degrees of killing, from accidental to heinous plotted plans. Well, I can think of nothing more pre-meditated than strapping someone to a gurney and injecting them with lethal drugs. Christ said that how we treat the least among us is how we treat Christ. I would place a convicted first degree murderer in the "least among us" category.

I understand that there  needs to be a measure of justice. However, God has not given us the right to kill. If we kill, we are no better than those we execute. Christ preached mercy to our enemies, not the sword!

Galatians Again - I really like what Paul says in Galatians 3:26-28: For now we are all children of God through faith in Jesus Christ, and we who have been baptized into union with Christ are enveloped by him. We are no longer Jews, or Greeks, or slaves, or free men or women, but we are all the same - we are Christians; are one in Jesus Christ."

Why don't we take t his to heart more? We are bound and determined to make ourselves "American Christians" and ignore the rest of the world. We do this with our foreign policy that places economic interests over the good of the people. We divide ourselves up into denominations that exclude some from the table. What Paul seems to be saying is that whatever nationality, sex, gender, etc. it doesn't matter. We are all united in our Christian faith.

The death penalty bothers me a lot. The United Methodist Church takes a strong stand against the death penalty. Yet our current President Bush is directly responsible for approving well over 100 death warrants. It is bothersome that Bush is a United Methodist, as our Discipline directly states in the Social Principles that the death penalty is wrong.

Moving on with Galatians, Galatians  starts out with stating that if a Christian is overcome by sin, those of us who are godly should gently help them back to the right path. He commands us to "share in each other’s burdens and troubles, and to obey the Lords command. If anyone thinks themselves above this, they are wrong." I particularly like this. This seems to reinforce our responsibility to each other. This was something John Wesley firmly believed in - the accountability to each other. I remember him writing on issues of "backsliding." Yet, Paul tells us to do this "gently." What does Paul mean by "gently."

I see "gently" as showing Christian love to each other. To admonish gently would be to speak to the person in live, in concern, but not in judgment. I have always been wary of denominations that have all the answers, admonish us harshly and with threats of eternal damnation if we sin, and exclude any that they feel don't measure up.

Paul goes on to write: "Each of us must bear some faults and burdens of his own. For none of us is perfect!" I think that as people of God, and as clergy, we must keep this in mind. It is easy to sit in the seat of power and judge. When one is in a position of power, people "below" are more likely than not to take that person seriously. If the words coming from the person in power (the pastor, for example) are shaming, much damage can be done, and those receiving the shaming words will pick up that it is okay to be shaming. As church leaders, we must make a concerted effort to be "gentle, " to be loving, and to be prepared to share in others problems and troubles, and reserve judgment.

Children's Living Bible - I know the Living Bible is a paraphrase, but I have a soft spot for my Children's Living Bible. It's pretty used, and was used as much as the Revised Standard Version that I received from my church in the 4th grade. I have always liked the illustrations by Richard and Frances Hook. They appear throughout the bible, but never really coincide with the text they appear next to.

It is difficult to find time just to read and reflect on the Bible. This opportunity today has opened up a book to me that was unfamiliar. Since there isn't a lot to do, no distractions, etc., this has been a very positive part of this experience.

Prayer- A pastor at my mother's church once said that prayer is not for God - it is more for us. Almost like you pray and verbalize your thoughts it is a type of inexpensive psychotherapy. I often wonder how effective prayer is. I do, however, believe it is helpful to verbalize your thoughts and to a similar degree, your sins. Yet, God knows all your sins, so why verbalize. Well, prayer is the instrument we use to talk directly to God. By verbalizing your thoughts, concerns, and confessions to God, we remind ourselves that this is not all about us.

I have difficulty in believing that God directly answers prayers. There is an old Lutheran adage that states that God answers prayers with either a yes or no! Yet, there are people who insist that prayer has healed, changed hearts, and changed the world. The scientist/cynic in me explains it away as coincidence. It remains one of the mysteries of faith.

11:00 p.m.

I have now decided to retire for the evening.

6:40 am

Last night I occasionally heard what sounded like rifle or gunshots. Later, I realized it was the cracking of the ice in the small lake in front of me. Though cold, it is pleasant outside. The only flaw with this park is you can hear a little bit of traffic. The birds are starting to wake and they are quite vocal.

8:00 am

Thoughts on Titus - Granted, I am reading from the Living Bible, but I find it interesting that Paul calls himself a "slave of God." In today's society, the word "slave" is not a word fraught with positives. I believe a more apt term would be "servant." A slave has no choice but to follow, a servant chooses to serve or not. Granted, those that follow Christ may feel that they have no choice, yet the choice still remains. Yes, I like the term "servant" a lot better.

In Chapter 1 from Titus Paul speaks of the people one would choose to be pastors and preachers. Of course, they are all men. This opens up the interpretations again that men are the only ones that can have authority in these areas. Also, it looks that the having only one wife comes into play in this book, as well as the men should be "blameless" as well as not "drunkards" or "greedy for money." They must also enjoy guests in their home, be sensible and fair, be clean minded and level headed, believe in the truth so they can teach it to others, and show those who disagree with them that they are wrong.

As I look at this, it may be this latter part that we as United Methodists may have the hardest time with. As we talk about inclusiveness and ecumenicalism, it also becomes apparent that many different people in the denomination have very different ideas as to what "sin" is. A former pastor of mine stated that we cannot be afraid to "name sin." Yet, rarely do I see us name it in meaningful ways outside of The Discipline. Once again, I come back to those issues of accountability that Wesley so strongly advocated. Concerns with "backsliding" and addressing these issues with fellow believers was essential to Wesley. We need to learn to do these things again, but in a loving way. How, I don't know...

Once again, Paul rails against those who feel a duty to obey the Jewish laws. The paraphrase admonishes Christians to stop listening to "Jewish Folk Tales," )probably not the most sensitive way to put it) and the demands of men who turn their back on the truth. To Paul, it seems faith is everything.

As far as Christian living, I really like what Paul says in Titus 1:15 - "A person who is pure of heard sees goodness and purity in everything, but a person whose own heard is evil and untrusting finds evil in everything, for his dirty mind and rebellious heart color all he sees and hears." In some ways, this verse speaks directly to me, as I sometimes have difficulty in trusting others. I tend to look for ulterior motives. This has gotten worse over the years as I have paid more attention to the political processes and watched and listened to candidates simply lie to me at the lowest local level. The entire political system is at times so corrupt that I no longer believe anything anyone says at the moment it is said. I fear the path this country is taking is built in lies, greed, and definitely non-Christian values. I spend life sometimes being very cynical.

9:35 am

I took a walk about halfway around the pond and took some pictures. The paths are still very icy. I feel like I am living my own Walden experience. I will be packing out this morning, as I have too much to do at this time. I am amazed at how pen, paper, and quiet has allowed me to sort some things through!

More on Titus - A couple of other things I've noticed, One is where Paul states that older women should be taught to be quiet, respectful, not gossip, love their husbands, and be kind and obedient to them. I can see how this passage cause problems in this day and age!

Paul also states that one must obey the government and its officers. I can see how this could be hideously misinterpreted. If the government asks you to do evil, do you do evil? I don't believe that one should blindly follow their government. I believe that what Paul was alluding to is the fact that we need to concern ourselves with what is God's. This could be another rendition of the fact that one should give to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God's.

I also like the fact that Paul states not to argue about unanswerable theological questions. he warns against causing division and those that cause division should be asked to leave after being warned three times. Paul seems concerned with the Big Picture, not religious in-fighting. I believe that he believed that there was more that connected Christians than that separated them.

Ending Reflection

This has been worthwhile. The quiet is unbelievable and the distractions minimal. I need to make fore time for this, perhaps on a quarterly basis. I live a cluttered life and am uncomfortable with silence. I need to work on simplicity more. Time alone tends to be something I have little of. I believe anyone can take something from a simple experience like this.