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The Bienville Rifle /home.earthlink.net/~sdriskell/8th/8th.htm |
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CIVIL WAR DIARY OF PVT JUBAL
Civil War Diary of Pvt Jubal and related research
is funded by the J&B PostItNote Paper Cartridge Manufacturing Company.
J&B says, "use PostItNote Paper Cartridges when your in a hurry to stick it to em!".
This third in a series of documents from the Private Jubal archives, documents Jubal's
whereabouts after his escape from jail.
April 17, 1862
Dear General Lovell,
It is with the profoundest sense of remorse that I relate the following incident to you that occurred at the
Ursuline Convent. I know that you must be weighed by the cares of war and defending us against the invader.
However, even as the Yankees approach we need defence against those among us who would take advantage of
wartime confusion in order to defile places of sanctity. Yesterday, while several of the sisters were doing laundry, a
new Novice walked up and made her presence known. As she was in habit no suspicion was aroused. She said she
had lost her letter of introduction as she had to traverse enemy territory, and introduced herself as Novice Perpetua
Flatulitias (so named for a Patron Saint of Gastric Disorders or so she maintained).
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I first became suspicious by the grooming of her dark mustache and became accutely anxious when, at our evening meal, she consumed an inordinate amount of wine. She also uttered profanities in such abundance that I had to call her down twice and finally ask her to leave the table as several of the sisters were becoming ill. I realized she needed a certain amount of "refinement". She was placed in the charge of Sister Premenstrua Dementia, who is noted for her disciplinary zeal. Unfortunately, Novice Flatulitias slipped out of the room after poor Sister Dementia fell asleep and locked her bed chamber door from the outside. Around midnight, there occurred a disturbance in the student quarters. Upon investigation it was found that a great deal of giggling was coming from one of the rooms. It was there that I found the "new Novice" entertaining the older girls, one of whom was lewdly sitting on her lap! I sprang to remove the Novice and grabbed her habit, and gave a tug. The habit was removed and revealed that Novice Flatulitias was (dare I say it?) a man. As the heathen ran out of the room and down the hall, I managed to release Sister Dementia, who was by this time awake and enraged. We chased the imposter out of the Convent and summoned a nearby Provost guard. The description of Novice Flatulitias matched that of an escaped soldier of your command, one named "Jubal". I trust you will expend all effort to apprehend this fiend and restore honor and dignity to our Convent. Also, since this soldier was one of yours, I must submit a bill for compensation. It appears that several bottles of sacrimental wine and a bottle of medicinal distilled spirits (whiskey) are missing from our stores since your soldier's visit, the bill for which I have enclosed. I appreciate your assistance and ask your confidence in not relating this incident to others as many of the young women here are from prominent families. I will offer a prayer for you and your soldiers at vespers (excepting of course Private Jubal whom I am certain is an unrepentant heathen).
Sister Clamidius Vulvitas More from the Jubal archives in the next issue ... |
