(Human Ecology Forum)
All teenagers are finding their places as individuals outside the family
and among their peers - a transition that can be marked by turmoil
and anxieties. For gay, lesbian, and bisexual youths, asserting their
identity brings additional fears. They worry about not only whether
they'll be accepted by their peers, but whether they'll still be welcome
at home.
Imagine playing hopscotch. One minute your foot is in one square,
a second later it's in the next. That's what life is like for the
American teenager. One minute they're home for a shot of confidence
building, the next they're leaping out into the world to see where
they might land. Moving back and forth is dizzying - and a major source
of stress for young people today.
For lesbian, gay, and bisexual youths, the game has a different twist.
For them it's not so much a question of balance as it is of footing.
In a culture just beginning to acknowledge sexual diversity, they
wonder - and rightly so - just where it's safe to put down their feet.
"The underlying task that all adolescents have to face is the difficulty
of negotiating between the emotional and interpersonal ties of the
past and the lure of a new world outside the family," says Ritch C.
Savin-Williams, a clinical psychologist and professor of human development
and family studies. "They want to individuate - to become people in
their own right - without giving up the security that comes from strong
roots."
Ideally, adolescents should have it both ways. They should have a
firm base of support at home from which to venture into the wider
world. But many do not. With the dispersal of the extended family
as a result of increased mobility and divorce and the fractured lifestyles
of two-wage-earner households, many teenagers are left, emotionally,
to their own devices.
"Just how poorly a family's foundation has been built often doesn'
t manifest itself until kids begin to move out on their own," notes
Savin-Williams. "Sometimes it's not strong enough to support the emotional
needs of a teenager."
Multiple "parents" resulting from divorce and remarriage isn't the
same thing as the wider circle of aunts and uncles, grandmothers and
grandfathers among whom children used to grow up. Often, Savin-Williams
points out, teens may have three or more "moms" and "dads" but are
lucky if one of them is really committed to their well-being.
Youth culture, which begins to exert its grip in the late elementary
grades and middle school, is daunting in its own right.
"It's an incredible task for teens just to keep up," says Savin-Williams.
"In fashion, language, music, and entertainment, no kid wants to be
pegged as out of step. What ups the ante is that the pace of change
continuously quickens."
Teenagers who are "different" - girls with aspirations beyond the
ascribed feminine role, youth of color who must figure out how to
honor their ethnic heritage in a world often hostile to it, those
who are disabled or who face life-threatening illnesses - face even
greater challenges in adolescence.
What sets gay, lesbian, and bisexual teens apart - and accounts for
the exceptionally high suicide rate among this group of young people
- is that they must worry about not only whether they'll be accepted
among peers and adults outside the family, but whether they'll truly
be welcomed home again once they've disclosed their sexual orientation
to their parents.
In anonymous questionnaires distributed to 317 college students, which
formed the basis of his book Gay and Lesbian Youth: Expressions of
Identity (Hemisphere, 1990), and in extensive interviews with more
than 100 gay and bisexual Cornell men conducted during the last five
years, Savin-Williams discovered how frightening and difficult it
is for young people to disclose their sexual orientation at home.
Just as threatening as being kicked out of the family, which is rare,
is the possibility that, having once broken the news, his or her
parents will never again bring up the subject.
"Their worst fear is that their sexual orientation, this core aspect
of themselves, will then be totally ignored by their parents," Savin-
Williams says.
He found that young people whose parents had come to accept them as
gay had high self-esteem and felt a strong sense of authenticity and
wholeness, whereas those whose parents treated the fact as a tacit
secret felt extreme isolation, as if they no longer belonged.
Acceptance at home is critical to young people marshaling the courage
to disclose their sexual orientation elsewhere. Yet even with parents
behind them, telling peers and other adults is fraught with anxiety
because adolescents so badly need affirmation from their peers.
Although some schools are beginning to offer support groups for sexual
minority youth, most middle school and high school students don't
see a community hospitable to them within the teen culture. What they
do see is the persistence of stigma, prejudice, and stereotypes concerning
same-sex attractions.
In his study of gay and bisexual male youths aged seventeen to twenty-
three, Savin-Williams found that "just like other youths, they struggle
with issues of identity and intimacy, but they encounter a world that
denies their very existence and disbelieves their ability to develop
same-sex romantic relationships."
Then there's the threat of verbal or physical abuse. Savin-Williams
reviewed the scientific literature on the abuse that gay, lesbian,
and bisexual youth endure from adults and peers and the stress it
generates. He found that up to three-quarters of young gay men and
lesbians report having been verbally or physically abused because
of their sexuality; about 25 percent report threats of physical violence.
Young people who live in insular
communities have the toughest time.
"In communities that lack diversity and where there is much pressure
to conform to one particular way of living, young people who have
known they were different from an early age feel particularly alone
in their sense of themselves," Savin-Williams notes. "They have a
very dramatic feeling of otherness."
Gay, lesbian, and bisexual teens are acutely at risk when they feel
they don't have a firm foothold at home or in the community, when
they feel there is nowhere they will be accepted while still being
themselves. The ingredients for suicide are all there: feeling alone,
rejected, in pain, and seeing no visible sources of support.
Yet Savin-Williams uncovered in his interviews other risks, less apparent
and more difficult to talk about. All hinge on fear. One is the heightened
sensitivity to interpersonal slights.
"Many of these young people seem not to have a hardened shell; they'
re almost a bit paranoid in that they tend to misinterpret other people'
s intentions," he says. "While this is understandable and adaptive,
it's not the ideal way for a healthy adult to function."
In some cases he found that their fears of homophobia were unrealistic
- that the fear of other's reactions was greater than the actual danger
they faced - and that there was more support out there, or at least
a laissez-faire attitude, than young people were aware of. The same
held true with the fears associated with disclosure at home. Savin-
Williams points out that research shows that fear of what parents
will say and do is often worse than what actually occurs.
"We need to tell this to young people, to reassure them that things
are getting better in a way that encourages them without taking away
an appropriate amount of cautiousness."
In his research and during the fifteen years that he has counseled
gay, lesbian, and bisexual teens, Savin-Williams has found that many
of the stresses they experience could be ameliorated by the actions
of concerned members of the community:
* Doctors and other health care providers should stop assuming that
young people who are sexually active are heterosexual. Their questions
need to be gender neutral and they need to be supportive and nonjudgmental
when young people come to them with medical concerns unique to being
gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
* Teachers and others who work with young people should take a leadership
role in stopping gay jokes and gay bashing, as they would stop any
jokes demeaning to women or people of color. Teachers need to set
an example by their behavior. Bringing diversity of sexual orientation
into plain view in the classroom is important, too. In cases where
recognizing a writer or painter or musician's sexual orientation leads
to a better understanding of their work, it should be brought to light.
* Therapists, social workers, and psychologists can signal their acceptance
and further normalize the image of sexual minorities by having visible
in their office a book or two with a title that includes the words
"gay," "lesbian," "bisexual," or "homosexual." This is a subtle but
strong way of sending a signal that the subject of sexual orientation
is okay with them.
* Ministers, priests, and rabbis should actively adopt a stance of
love and acceptance. For a religious person to say that God loves
everyone, that there are no conditions on this, is to grant all young
people their rightful place as members of a religious community.
Many gay, lesbian, and bisexual young people long for a strong religious
community, but few can find it in the synagogues and churches of their
parents. Savin-Williams found that some turn instead to a more personal
form of spirituality. The drawback is that finding a "community of
believers" is difficult, and they often must nurture this aspect of
their lives without the companionship and guidance of others.
Contrary to the stereotype that casts gay, lesbian, and bisexual young
people as highly promiscuous, Savin-Williams found that the majority
long for the security and stability that comes from a monogamous,
romantic relationship. All told, their aspirations are no different
from those of their straight counterparts: a partner who loves them,
a home, a good job, financial security, and an end to crime.
For additional details on what it's like to grow up as a member of
a sexual minority, see Ritch C. Savin-Williams and Kenneth M. Cohen,
co-editors, The Lives of Lesbians, Gays, and Bisexuals: Children
to Adults (Harcourt Brace, 1995).
For more information, contact Ritch C. Savin-Williams Cornell University,
Department of Human Development and Family Studies Ng10b MVR Hall,
Ithaca, NY 14853 607-255-6111 rcs15[at]cornell.edu
Winter, Metta, Truth and consequences.
(gay, lesbian and bisexual youths during adolescence). Vol. 23, Human Ecology
Forum, 09-01-1995, pp 8(4).