All the Wishes in the World: Recovery  (R) (1/1)
by Sammi M.
sammi4@earthlink.net
jhourdhaun@hotmail.com
s_moch@venus.twu.edu

Here's the second story. Thanks to all who wrote about the first one. It meant a lot. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out AtWitW: Incident.

This is still not a pretty story. Though the rape happened in the first part, this one deals with the physical and emotional effects of a sexual assault and could be considered by some just as disturbing, hence the continued R rating.

There is no romance, lots of hurt and barely any comfort. Though the title says recovery, that really isn't dealt with in this story. I suppose that means it's misleading. Physically, Mulder has the chance of recovering; mentally, he has a long way to go.

I'll be writing from the reports, so it won't be medically specific. The officer was interviewed at intervals during his recovery and I'll be applying his feelings to Mulder.

In real life, there was no happy (for want of a better word) ending; the officer was succesful in his last attempt at suicide. I don't know where I'm going with this, so bear with me through the end, and, hopefully I won't disappoint.

This is the first part of a three-story arc. The final one is AtWitW: Aftermath.

**********************************
Archive: Yes
ATXC: Yes
**********************************

Classification: SA (Mulder-angst, Scully-angst, Skinner-angst) Rating: R for now, for adult situations; language; violence; flashbacks of RAPE Summary: Reactions to awakening to a different life.

Disclaimer: I know this means nothing if you were to call me out on it, but it makes me feel better to say that you, Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting and 10-13 Productions own the main characters. I'm torturing them no worse than you do when you allow the characters into a John Shiban teleplay.

Dedicated to a lost man who just happened to be an officer in the wrong place in time.

**************************************************
Feedback will be welcome and this can be discussed on fictalk.
**************************************************

All the Wishes in the World: Recovery by Sammi M.

"I owe you one."

A rather harmless phrase when one thinks about it, but it can mean so much more depending on the situation. As the vow of a woman whose life you've saved more times than you can count, it's the promise that assures you someone will always be watching your back. Or, it's knowing someone will put himself and his reputation on the line to make sure you're taken care of. When it's the cry of a man drowning in the despair of a waking nightmare, it's a guarantee that things will never be the same.

___________________________________

"I'm sorry, Sir. There was no other option; I had to kill him." Agent Dana Scully's eyes glinted in remembered thoughts as she talked to her boss.

Assistant Director Walter Skinner watched his agent for any chink in her armour; the armour she had worn since they had finally succeeded in rescuing her partner. Skinner understood her anger as he thought of Mulder lying in the ICU room *not* fighting for his next breath. *He's given up; he doesn't want to live with what he's gone through. I'm not sure I blame him.* "Agent Scully, I plan on going before the internal review board and telling them it was a clean shoot. And, it is my intent to impress upon them you had no other choice but to act in the manner you did." When she didn't respond, he decided to try another tact. He reached out his trembling (Amazing! It's been doing that since we saw what that animal was doing to him.) hand and raised her chin so her eyes were level with his. "Scully, you did the right thing. *I* wouldn't have done anything differently."

"Thank ... yu ... you ...., s-s-s-Sir." The armour suddenly became too heavy a weight and Scully could finally feel again. Not that it was a welcome feeling. "I had to do it, ...for him. I .... owed .... him one - many ... so many."

_________________________________________

Nothing.

No life. No death.

Nothing.

Bliss.

_________________________________________

"Dammit! Shit! Hell!" Scully paced the floor outside of Mulder's room, heedless of the Nurses' glare and Skinner's open-mouthed wonder. "Why the hell hasn't he awakened? He's been here almost three days and nothing's happening! What the fuck kind of doctors do they have here?" She stopped in mid-pace. No one watching believed the transformation that suddeny materialised over the furious woman. Everyone at the station would be talking about it for days. The spitfire, who only a brief moment before had been spewing hell and damnation to all who didn't bring forth the miracle her partner needed, had suddenly transformed into a frightened, lost little girl desperate for her playmate to return so as to finish their adventure. "Why hasn't he come back to me? He has to know I'm here," a timid voice whispered.

"He knows, Scully," Skinner answered as he supported her now limp-like body. He guided her to a seat and glared at the various workers until they stopped waiting for a continuance of the floor-show. "He wants to come back to you ... us in a way that we can help him finish healing. If he comes back now, so soon after ... what happened, none of us could handle it."

"Typical Mulder. Overprotective even while comatose." Scully tried a parody of a smile to convince her boss she was back, but she knew it failed. He recognized it as an attempt, so he squeezed her shoulder. "This is really par for the course with Mulder. Whenever things get to be too much he tends to hide in that other world of his." *I just thought, by now, I had the key to let him out.*

"He's done this before?"

"A few times. The main one being after Samantha was taken." She stopped and dragged a long, deep breath into her tired lungs. "His mother says he was catatonic for almost two weeks and that was *without* physical cause. I'm afraid we might be in for a lot longer wait with his injuries and their severity." The agent shook her head. "I just don't want him ... to dr ... drift ... aw..."

Skinner saw another storm brewing in her eyes and decided to divert it. "I need your input on how we're going to handle this situation."

"We, Sir?"

"*We*, Agent Scully. There is no way in hell I'm going to let him, or you deal with this on your own. I'm in it for the long-haul."

Scully smiled a genuine smile for the first time in probably a week. "Thank you." Nothing more said; nothing else needed to say.

___________________________________________

Too comfortable. Remember before.

Hurts to remember. Sam!

Same feelings. Drifting.

Forced breathing. .... Stop that!

Scully, you promised!

Machine beeping, monitoring, regulating.

Scully! No machines. You promised! No finding. You promised! No loneliness. You promised! No Hennessey. He was mine to destroy!

NO!

Remember.

Pain.

Awareness.

..... Alive.

Why?

_______________________________________

"He started coming around at 15.27 hours. We removed the respirator at 15.35. He hasn't responded to any of us, but that probably has a lot to do with us being unfamiliar to him." The nurse tried to keep up with the powerful-looking man and the petite - yet equally powerful - woman as they raced down the hall towards the room. "The doctor didn't want to proceed without you being here."

Scully pushed herself past the staff gathered in front of his room without apologies or slowing. As she entered it, her subconscious noted several of the machines were no longer attached to the frail man in the bed. *Good job, Mulder. Only took you a week to get rid of most of the hardware. Personal record.* With a glare at the excess bodies, she maneuvered herself to the bed and her partner. "Mulder. Can you hear me? I'm here when you're ready. I'm not going anywhere." *Not any more; not ever again. This is what happens when I'm not there to watch your back. This is my punishment.* "Come on back, Partner. Just a little bit more and we'll be watching movies this weekend like we usua...." The last of the phrase caught in her throat as a sob threatened to overwhelm her. *Nothing's going to be the same! Mulder was raped, for God's sake! Why would he want to come back to that?*

"Dr. Scully?" She turned to face the caring eyes of the doctor who had watched over Mulder since the surgery. "Could I have a moment with you outside?"

She released her friend's hand and tucked it back under the covers. A simple nod assured her Skinner was standing guard in case he awakened. When she couldn't put off joining the other doctor, she followed him out of the room. "Is something wrong?" *Oh, God. Nothing more, please.* "This is a good sign. Right?" She waited for his confirmation even though she knew the answer. *It's the little reassurances that keep us going, right Dana? Just the little things to tell us all isn't lost.*

"Oh, yes. It's a very good sign. I'm sorry if I led you to believe otherwise. I just wanted to go over some other aspects of his treatment." The gentle eyes reassured her they were doing their best for Mulder. Not that their best meant much. Not after something like this. "I'm a little concerned with the infection due to the tearing. I want to put him on stronger antibiotics but I'm afraid his system can't handle that and the other medicines. Since you're his next-of-kin and a medical doctor, I thought you could give me your input."

Scully laughed until she noticed the doctor flinching at the harsh sound. *Well, pardon me. Let's see you go through what I have lately and see if you sound all bright and cheerful.* "My partner would probably remind you, if he could, that I'm a forensic pathologist and most of my patients don't need antibiotics."

He smiled. "I'm sure he would. But I'm also sure he'd want you to feel like you were as much a part of his recovery as possible." The older man put his hand on hers and nodded. "You've helped him in the past and he's come through; this one won't be any different. It's just going to take time."

"I can give him all the time in the world. Time isn't an issue. The question is, will he want it?"

______________________________________

I hear Scully's voice, but I don't want to open my eyes. //He'll be there!// I know she's watching and worrying, but I can't face her. //He's brought you to this!// She pleads for me to answer, but I can't. //What would you say? He hurt me?// My body's healing; it won't let me die. //Betrayal!// He's dead. //You felt him die!// He's gone and I can't tell him I hate him. //Why'd Scully take that from you?// I want to die. //Why are you being punished and he gets release?// Why? //There's no answer, is there, Fox?//

______________________________________

As Mulder turned his blinking eyes away from the sun, he encountered a different brightness; one that always seemed to be there whenever he awakened like this. Her smile. *NO! I don't deserve it!* He turned away with a groan as the sunlight hit him full force. *I need the darkness! Where is it?* The light from the window suddenly ceased it's torment of him as Scully closed the blinds . *That won't help; ... nothing will.* Mulder groaned again his body protesting so much movement after so little.

"Take it easy, Partner. Your body's got to get used to moving again." *There's a lot it's got to get used to.* "Are you in any pain? I can get the nurse in to give you something." *Like a nurse or medicine can take away what was done to you. I'm sorry, Mulder.* "Tell you what. Why don't you let me know where it hurts and I'll see what we can do?"

Without ever looking at her or acknowledging her, Mulder allowed himself to fall back under the comfort of nothingness. *Sorry, Scully. Wake me when they find a cure for dirtiness.*

_____________________________________________

The next day

"Sc .... ullleee," he wheezed out from numb lips. "Sc..."

"I'm here, Mulder. I'm right here." Grasping a hand. "What do you need? Just say the word and I'll get it for you." She moved forward so his tortured throat wouldn't have to strain any more.

Mulder drew in the clean, crisp air from the plastic tubing in his nose. Life. "Di ...die."

Scully brushed the hair from his face where it always ended up. "You're going to be fine, Mulder. The doctors expect you to make a full recovery. It's just going to take some time and a little patience to let your body heal." *What about his soul?* "You're going to make it out of another scrape."

"D ... die," he tried to gasp as the breath escaped him.

"I don't understand, Mulder."

"I .... wan .... t-to ... Let .... me .... die ....."

Her gasp reverberated around the room as she dropped his hand like she had been burned. *Oh, God!*

___________________________________________

"He actually said that?" *Why are you surprised, Walter? Would you want to live with ... /that/ over your head?* A thought. "How are his injuries?"

Confusion. "He's responding well to the medicines and the doctors aren't fearing complications from the surgery. They are concerned with the possibility of pneumonia and infections related to the ... r.... incident. *I can't even say the word. What makes me think I can help him when I can't say the word?* "They're afraid of infections stemming from the sexual assault." *Oh, yeah, much better, Dana. I'm sure Skinner's real impressed with that!*

"Is any of that life-threatening?"

Scully wasn't following where her boss was going with this, but she went along as best she could. "Any of them could be fatal, but it's usually not an issue when the patient is young, physically fit and healthy. The mind and body tend to work together to aid in the recuperation. *What if the mind doesn't want to?* Realization. "He wouldn't ... That's suicide!"

"Under these circumstances, do you think he's above it?" *Under the circumstances, would /I/ be?*

__________________________________________

Mulder awakened as a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He glanced around the room searching for signs his partner was nearby. // Only your partner? /He/ could be hiding anywhere.// *He's dead! I felt him die! I felt him ...* //What did you feel? Are you sure? Come on Mr. Bigshot Profiler! What did you feel? Did you feel how he never took his victims from their homes? Did you feel how he never physically abused the body before the ritual because it had to be a perfect sacrifice? Did you feel how he had to wait 48 hours to purify himself before he took you? Did you feel the pain as he ripped you apart? Did you feel as he pushed and pushed until there was no breath left in your body? Did you feel your throat closing up as your screams threatened to choke you? Did you? Did you? WHAT DID YOU FEEL?// *I FEEL NOTHING! Nothing. I feel .... like .... nothing.*

And then the screams started.

_____________________________________________

"He just started screaming! There was no warning! No sign."

Running. Running to his side. *I've got to get there!* "Has he been sedated?"

"Yes, but he's fighting it; he shouldn't have that kind of strength yet. I don't know how he's doing it, but he's fighting the stuff."

*Hold on, Mulder! I'm on my way.* Scully raced down the hallway for the second time in so many days terrified of what was waiting for her. *Why couldn't you forget like some people do? Why do you always have to be the one tortured?* //Why do you think? No one offers comfort to Fox Mulder. The gods enjoy fucking with his life. Just like Hennessey enjoyed fucking with his soul.// She struggled for a deep breath as she pushed her way into the room and stopped suddenly. There, lying in full restraints, fighting invisible demons, was her partner. "Who ordered the restraints?" Mulder's eyes were opened so wide she felt sure they were going to pop out of his head. "Answer me, dammit! Who ordered restraints?"

Her fury galvanized the people standing around watching him into action. One by one they left, but no one answered.

Scully moved to her partner's side and gently caressed his wet forehead. It was his turn to flinch as if he'd been burned. The terror in his eyes grew and his struggles increased until she feared he would stroke out. "Mulder! Listen to me! You're safe. No one can hurt you! You've got to calm down." The more she talked, the more he struggled. "Mulder! Stop it! You're going to hurt yourself worse!" The agent turned to the closest orderly. "He hates to be restrained. We have to get these off of him!"

"I can't. I don't have that authority!"

"To hell with your authority! If he doesn't calm down now he's going to go into arrest or suffer an aneurysm." Busy hands fumbling to release the struggling agent. "He's too upset and that could kill him!" Ice cold eyes freezing their prey. "And if he dies, I promise you'll go with him."

Before the message could fully register in the frightened orderly's mind, another pair of hands reached over and started pulling at the restraints. Scully barely acknowledged Skinner as he released Mulder's right side in time to her soothing voice. By the time they reached his ankles, the agent was breathing heavily, but he seemed calmer. His eyes were still wide open, but they seemed more aware ... or wary ... or weary.

*I'm sorry, Mulder. Somebody screwed up. I told them no restraints.* "Thank you, Sir." Grateful eyes searched for comforting ones. "I thought you left."

"I made it out to the parking area when they called me back. I had left the nurses station my cell number just in case something happened." He watched her smooth Mulder's hair down and noted her reaction as the man trembled, never closing his eyes. Waiting. *For what?* "I'm glad I did or I'm afraid I would have been arresting you for kicking the asses of the orderlies."

Blue fire nailed him to the spot. "They deserved the...."

"That's probably true, but not by one of my agents."

"I told them no restraints and I came in to .... You saw what they had him in. It's no wonder he was terrified." //Is that the only reason? Keep telling yourself that and maybe you'll figure out why he trembles everytime you touch him.// "He would have died and they still would have been standing around waiting for their precious authority." *I left him again. They never would have been able to do this if I hadn't gone to call mom. I'm so sorry, Mulder.*

The other man's unyielding stare unnerved Skinner. He could almost feel the dirt suffocating his agent, his friend. Burying him alive. Turning him inside ... "Why don't we take this outside?" He gently escorted her to the hall and managed to maneuver it so she couldn't watch Mulder. *Just a moment's peace. That's all she needs.* "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Sir." A small shift to keep watch. "After I walked you down, I took a moment to call my mother. She's coming tomorrow to help."

"Nice smooth change of subject, but I'm not buying." Another shift to cover. *You don't have to watch him constantly. This isn't your fault.* //Who's is it then? Yours? Hennessey's? The Justice System's? The hospital's? How about good ole' Mulder's?// "When was the last time you slept, Scully?"

*None of your damn business and would you stop blocking my view of him! I feel like we're navigating some sick dance.* "I've grabbed a few hours here and there, Sir. I didn't want him to awaken and be frightened when I wasn't with him."

*This is going to hurt me more than it does you.* "It seems to me he's scared just as much either way. I haven't noticed any beneficial effect you have on him."

Scully gasped and tears sprang to her eyes. *How could he be so cruel?* Her full attention was concentrated on the man before her as she replied, "He is responding to me, Sir. You saw how I calmed him."

"What I saw was Agent Mulder calming down after we removed the restraints. I also saw him flinch every time you touched him and I saw how you reacted during those times." Skinner watched as the emotions scrolled across the face of his strongest agent. "You can't keep this up; you need to save your strength for later when he's really going to need it." He could see her wavering. "Let me take you home so you can rest. I'll come back and sit with him until your mother comes."

Scully's eyes searched his soul until she found what she sought. "All right. I just need to tell him I'll see him tomorrow. I'l ..."

All hell broke loose.

As if in slow-motion, the lights and warning bells for Mulder's room suddenly went crazy. Skinner and Scully both turned to take in the sight that would haunt them for the rest of their lives.

Neither could move as they watched Mulder slam his head time and time again on the metal guardrail of his bed. Neither breathed as his blood splattered on everything around him. Neither of them really saw as half-a-dozen people ran to stop him from inflicting more damage to his battered body.

Neither of them noticed the screams had started again.

_______________________________________________

"Three weeks." Mulder slumped lower in his wheelchair. "Three weeks in this psyche ward and I still feel his hands on me, Scully." He turned the chair so he was facing his partner. "They have to tell me when a new person will be working with me or else I panic and start bawling my eyes out begging him not to touch me. I hate this."

Though it was obvious she wanted to wrap him in her arms and shield him from all the bad, she confined herself to the area he had designated safe. Not for her, but for him. It was as far as he let anyone, with the exception of his doctor, a few nurses and Mrs. Scully, come near him. Scully ached at the thought, but she lived with it as long as she was allowed to be around him. "This isn't a psyche ward; it's a rehabilitation centre for assault victims. *Well-to-do assault victims, mind you. Money does have its privileges. And, if Mrs. Mulder couldn't offer emotional support for her son, she could definitely offer him her vast financial support. Though I'm more inclined to believe he needs the former more than the latter.* "What does your counselor say?"

"He says I'm making progress. But then again, he's usually at home when I go off. I don't scream anymore when the female nurses come in, but I have been known to throw equipment if I'm disturbed during the four hours I get of sleep every night. I don't hear his voice every time I close my eyes, but I hate the dark. Up until she went back home, your mom was the only one I could stand to touch me for longer than twenty minutes. Yeah, that's progress for ya." With a hint of the old Mulder charm, he turned his patented puppy-dog eyes on her. It might have worked if he could actually *look* her in the eyes. "Say, Partner. How's about you spring me for an hour or so? Maybe we can go for ice cream." A sigh. "I'm going stir crazy. I've been stuck inside for almost a month and I want to go out; see if the seasons have changed."

*It's been a little over two months since the rape; they've changed.* //So has he. So have you. Two suicide attempts will do that for you.// "Nothing new to see out there. World's still going to hell in a handbasket."

Mulder had lost weight. Lots of weight. Enough weight that the wheelchair almost seemed too big for him. "Can't be any worse than in here."

"Are you kidding? This place is *not* bad. I've seen four star hotels that aren't this accomodating or luxurious." //Yeah. Once he finally was let off suicide watch and allowed a real room, it's been the freaking Hilton. Everyone should be so lucky.//

"You do have a point. This place is definitely above my usual standards."

"So what makes this so bad?"

If she hadn't had every sense tuned to him, she might have missed his frightened whisper, "I was talking about inside my head."

____________________________________________

"It's the perfect place, Scully. Quiet. Off-the-beaten track. Nice and comfortable with plenty of room and no bugs or video equipment. I think it would be great for him." Skinner turned around in his seat and faced her across his desk. "You said yourself he's going to need some more recup time and you don't think he's ready to deal with all of the hassles of being alone."

"Sir. I ..." If anyone had told her she'd be having this talk with her boss a year ago, Scully probably would have checked their water and shot them. But, that was before. *I suppose something good did come from all of this. Oh God. I didn't mean ...* //Didn't you? Doesn't it make things a little easier to deal with if you can put a positive slant to this. It'll make you feel better; Mulder's still screwed, but you'll be able to feel tons better.// "How much time do I have for mandatory vacation?"

"You can take most of it now and it'll give you a little over a month. Plenty of time to get him acclimated to his changes." //Plenty of time; keep telling yourself that.// "After that time, we can re-evaluate his job options."

Scully frowned. "This sounds like exactly what we need, but I'm not sure I could handle him all alone." *If we're going to be in the middle of nowhere, we need to think this through. For both our sakes.* "He's functioning well right now, but what if something were to happen. I don't think I could deal with a sui ... problematic Mulder."

The A.D. sat quietly focusing on the back of his nameplate. *She's got me there. I've thought this through from top to bottom and not once did I cover additional help. I suppose that's because I still see Mulder as he was, not what he is.* "We'll figure something out, Scully." He watched her gather her materials and made a quick decision. "Why don't I walk you out? We can probably figure out something between here and the parking garage."

She waited for him to grab his stuff and then, together, they left his inner and outer office totally focused on the dilemma at hand. As they neared the bullpen, they noticed a group of agents gathered in a cluster outside one of the interview rooms. As they moved to pass, a voice drifted into their conversation. Several of the agents tried to stop the one speaking when they noticed Scully and Skinner, but he chose to ignore them. "I don't know why it's such a big deal. From what I hear, Spooky's used to getting it up the ass. He's just yanking everyone's chains to get a little vacation time ...."

As soon as she heard the despised nickname, Scully went still. With the rest of the comment, her whole line of vision went red. Several of the agents would swear in that moment, Dana Scully was carved out of stone - a living, breathing stone, but no less hard. Without any intent other than to kill or maim, she turned ... Only to find Lahart backed up against the wall with Skinner's arm crushing his windpipe. "If I ever hear you or anyone else disparage Mulder like that again, I will personally rip your lungs out and feed them to the DEA's canine unit. Is that clear?" He watched as the choking man nodded his head. Slowly, he eased the pressure off and let the man's legs touch the floor. "Don't forget to file your complaint with OPC. I look forward to answering the charges." He turned back to Scully and she handed him the items he had dropped to get to Lahart.

They continued their exit and by the time they made it to the garage, Scully finally felt comfortable enough to broach the subject. "Sir, do you think that was wise? I mean, at the very least, you'll get a disciplinary leave of absence."

She was shocked when she saw the smile on his face. "Well, it was either me or you and I could just see you doing some major damage to him and getting yourself dismissed and up on murder charges. This way we killed two birds with one stone."

"I don't understand."

"Since I'm going to have a little time off, who better to help you with Mulder? I owe him a few and it's time to pay up."

End of AtWitW: Recovery.

Because these stories are extremely draining, I'm taking a break between this part and the last. I'm hoping it won't be a long one, but who's to say what RL has in store for me. I deliberately didn't leave it any type of cliffhanger because that would not have been fair to those following the story and you guys know who you are.

Feedback is welcome as always and thanks for making it this far. Take care and stay in peace.