All the Wishes in the World: Aftermath  (R) (2/2)
by Sammi M.
sammi4@earthlink.net
jhourdhaun@hotmail.com
s_moch@venus.twu.edu

Classification: SA (Mulder-angst, Scully-angst, Skinner-angst) Rating: R for now, for adult situations; language; violence; flashbacks of RAPE; attempted suicide Spoilers: Small one for "Fallen Angel" Keywords: Mulder, rape, counseling Summary: Mulder has to face his demons.

********************************** Archive: Yes ATXC: Yes **********************************

Disclaimer: I know this means nothing if you were to call me out on it, but it makes me feel better to say that you, Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting and 10-13 Productions own the main characters. I'm torturing them no worse than you do when you allow the characters into a John Shiban teleplay.

I separated the story like this deliberately because we're headed for the darker side. There is a suicide attempt in this one and a lot of terror on Mulder's part. I could understand if no one wanted to read it because, right now, I don't want to write it. It has taken me a month to get to this and it was what I had been dreading. I am not an angst queen and I'm sure those that are will laugh at my piddling attempt at it, but writing this was not a picnic.

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"Why'd she take it from me, Darren? What right did she have to take what was mine away? I deserved to kill him. I earned that right as soon as he penetrated me. I should have been the one to shoot him."

"Is that how you really see it, Mulder? Do you honestly believe that Dana took your right of revenge away from you?"

"I don't want to see it like that, .... but ..... it makes it easier."

"How does it make it easier?"

Taking a deep breath. "It's easier because I have someone to blame." Shakily. "She had no right!" Turning to stare out the window. "Because of what she did, I don't see Hennessey dead with half his head blown off; I picture him taunting me, cutting and biting and .... doing what he did to me. That's what's in my mind."

"Mulder, what did he do to you?"

Confusion. "What? Considering it's the whole reason you're here, you should know."

"I know what he did to you, but I want *you* to tell me. Straight out. No euphemisms or dancing around it. I want you to tell me what Hennessey did to you."

"Hennessey sexually assaulted me." Exasperated. "Is that what you wanted to hear? Was that the great enlightenment you were looking for?"

"You can't say it, can you? You use phrases that distance you from the brutality of his act. Phrases that ... make it almost ... clinical. You're looking at what happened like you're solving a case and Scully's been cast in the role of the accessory because the suspect got away." Shaking his head. "Contrary to what you might think, this isn't helping you. In fact, it's probably hindering your progress. You're the type of person who needs to deal with this head on or else it'll keep eating away at your life."

Lost. "I can't do what you're asking. I'm not up to it." Broken. "I don't think I ever will be."

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----"Rise and shine, Foxy! It's time for us to have some quality time together. I'm ready for you again. I want you so much and I know you want me."----

"I don't want you! I never wanted you! You forced me into this. I didn't have a chance."

----"No, Foxy. You had a chance - you just didn't fight hard enough to take it."----

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Session:

Anger. "I was trained to fight - to enforce the law - and I couldn't even protect myself!" //From what?// "All he had to do was hit me on the head and he took me wherever he wanted." //Why?// "He knew how much I relied on my profile to catch him and he deliberately deviated from it." //Why?// Rage. "I was so sure that I'd never see him again that I got sloppy. I lowered my walls because I was tired and I just let him walk right in. How could I have been so stupid! How could I have thought I was above this - that it could never happen to me?" //What?// "Fox Mulder fucked up big and there's no one to pull his ass out of the fire this time. Scully didn't do anything wrong. I did! But, what else is new? I've screwed up from the time I took my first breath, so why break with tradition? I got too cocky and I was brought down because of it." //How?// Defeated. "I deserved this, Darren. I deserved everything I got because I don't deserve anything else." //Dammit! What did you deserve? What?! You're right to hate yourself if you can't even say it!// "What did I do to make him hurt me like this?" //Say it! Face up to it or roll over and die - those are your options.// A little boy surrounded by darkness. "Why did ... he .... have to ..... rape me, Darren? Why? What did I do that was so bad that this is my punishment?"

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Scully watched silently as her partner rocked himself in the porch swing. She noted how his eyes never left his hands and she wondered if now was the time to break in on his thoughts. Even though Darren told her it wasn't necessary, she felt she owed Mulder an apology - owed him more than that, actually. Since she had blown up at him, he'd never turned away from her or seemed to hold anything against her. *I owe him this.* She opened the screen and walked towards Mulder making sure he saw her so as not to startle him. "Hey, Partner. What ya lookin' at?"

"Just a picture."

"Must be a pretty fantastic one to hold your attention for so long." Sitting beside him, but not touching. "May I see it?"

Mulder shrugged and handed an old print of a man standing in front of a sign that read, 'Big Bend State Park - Big Bend, Texas.' "He sent it to me about six months ago along with an email address and a 'if you ever need a friend ...' kind of thing. I didn't even know he was back until I received it." He turned solemn eyes to her. "I didn't even realize I had it until a couple of days ago when I was going through my stuff. I suppose it was a sign. I mean, what better time to need a friend than now?"

Scully's lip trembled as she fought the tears. "Mulder. I'm ..."

"But even needing a friend can't overcome some things, Scully." Looking out towards the woods. "I remember a story I was reading a while back in a mag about this woman who's husband had been killed by a drunk driver. The story stood out because of what was going on in her life due to the incident. You see, her husband's killer's name was Richard, but his friends called him Chuck because he looked a lot like that actor who played 'The Rifleman' on tv. Well, after he plowed into her husband's car, she would find herself getting distressed at the oddest times and she couldn't figure out why. She stopped going to her parents' house completely and had almost nothing to do with her oldest brother. For a long time the family couldn't figure out what was going on with her, so they went and discussed the problem with a psychologist. In a flash of insight, the guy explained to them that her newfound aversion to her relatives wasn't because of them, but their names. Her father and brother were Charles and Charles Jr. - aka Chuck and Chuck Jr. or CJ. She had built up such hate for the man who had taken her husband, it had overlapped onto the name and, her family. She literally had to be re-trained to like the people she had grown up with all because of a name, Scully." He reached for the photograph and looked at it. "Strange as it may seem, from that little time I knew M.... Fenig, I considered him a friend. Now, the thought of his first name is enough to break me out into a cold sweat." Forlorn. "I feel like I've buried a friend and it's all because of a simple name." Mulder raised his eyes to stare at his partner. "If Hennessey can change how I think of someone important to me, then the rest of my life looks so dark. I don't know if I can fight the darkness any more, Scully. I don't think I have the strength to do it."

"What you don't have alone, Walter and I will give you. *We'll* fight the darkness. Together."

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Several days later:

"The ventriloquist turned to the farmer and said, 'Let's see what your sheep have to say.' The farmer paled and held up his hands and screamed, 'Don't believe a word they say! They're liars!'" Darren barely gasped out the last of the joke as he collapsed laughing beside a red-faced Skinner.

"Oh," Scully managed between guffaws, "that was so bad. I can't believe you told it!"

Mulder laughed as he rolled on the blanket stretched out on the ground. "Just be grateful he didn't tell you the one about the ten-inch pianist and the magic lamp. I literally had to run to the bathroom this morning." He continued to laugh as he thought about both jokes, not noticing the reactions of each of the others sitting beside him.

One by one, the laughter stopped and was replaced by huge smiles and barely concealed moist eyes. Scully was the first to break the group's silence. "Oh, Mulder, you don't know how long we've waited to hear that sound."

"What sound?"

"Your laughter." A barely contained sob. "I thought I'd never hear it again."

Mulder tilted his head to look at his friend and gave her a beaming smile. Almost without thought, his hand shot out and grasped hers. He watched as her face crumpled as she lost control at his initializing contact for the first time .... in a long time. He looked at each of the people he considered his friends and with confidence replied, "With all of your help, I think I have a chance. So, ... get used to hearing it more."

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The thunder overhead rumbled it's anger as the sky cut loose with all of it's fury.

The small group sat in the big room, each offering up different prayers to their deities in the hopes that the wild storm wouldn't claim the light one of them desperately needed to function.

But, as usual, no one listened to Fox Mulder's prayers. Or, in this case, prayers offered up for him because the cabin was suddenly embraced by darkness. The only sound for a moment was someone's harsh breathing and the sound of rolling thunder, but that was enough to galvanize the rest of the group into action.

"Darren, I need you to help me locate some light sources. There should be some candles and matches in the kitchen. I'm going for the flashlights. Scully, you stay with Mulder." Heading for the door. "Don't worry, Mulder. We'll have everything all taken care of in a minute."

As the others left, Scully moved to the table across from the other agent and gently tried to soothe him without touching him. "How ya doing, Partner?" Silence. "Mulder?" A tiny whimper. "Come on, Mulder. I need to know how you're holding up."

"I'm ... okay, ... Scully. It's just ... so dark.... I can't ..."

"I know, Partner. I know. But we're all here and you're safe. You don't have anything to worry about."

It seems like Fate loves statements like that because it often takes those words and flings it back into the faces of the participants. This time was no different. No sooner had she uttered those soothing phrases than an excited Darren walked toward them from the kitchen. He was so focused on lighting his candle that he didn't even think how he would look framed in candlelight. As the thin wick glowed from the tiny flame, Darren hurried to get the candle placed, not even thinking of what he was saying. "That's much better, don't you think? I think this is just the thing to keep the darkness away, eh Fox?"

The light. The hair. That name. .... and the screams began.

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"I think there's a pad and pen in my purse. Just use those and write down what you want me to get from the store, Mulder." Scully called back through the door as she closed it and headed towards the others. "Well, he's settled down, now." Rubbing her temples. "I thought we were past this. He seemed so much better. How did this happen?"

"My stupidity! I let myself get excited about getting some light to him and I completely lost control and let my mouth run free. I knew I wasn't supposed to use his first name, but ..."

Skinner cut him off. "Why don't we forget the guilt and move ahead. I, for one, want to get him back to where he was earlier." Looking around. "And I think the best way to do that is to get things back to normal. On that note, I'd like to add a request for some good old-fashioned, clear-all-your-blues-away popping corn. Not to be confused with that nuke-em-and-condemn-yourself to-growths-later-on-in-your-life microwave stuff."

"Sounds like a plan. Any requests from you, Darren?"

"Yeah. Leaded soda. All of this caffeine-free diet stuff keeps reminding me of coloured water. It may help you live longer, but I'd rather live happier and on good terms with my taste buds."

"Popping corn and regular pop. I think I can handle that as long as Mulder doesn't stack the list." Glancing at her watch. "I better hit the road if I want to make it back before it gets too late."

As both men calmly watched her open the door, neither was prepared for what happened next. One minute, Scully was smiling back at them and the next she was screaming at what she saw in the room. Before either of them could make a move, a gunshot filled the house .... and then there was silence.

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Darren paced the entire length of the den. "We can't keep him here! He just tried to blow his brains out and we don't have the facilities to make sure he doesn't succeed the next time."

"We've got him contained and the gun's out of his reach. The wound's not that bad; I can treat it here with no problem." Pleading. "He'll be fine here. He's not a danger to himself any more."

"I'd believe that a lot more if I hadn't just heard you tell me how you walked in on him with a gun to his head. Do you realize that if you hadn't yelled and startled him, he'd probably be dead now? That's a chance I don't want to take again. And, without the proper facilities, that's what we'd be doing." Frustrated. " We don't have restraints; we have ties wrapped around a box spring. Not to mention the meds needed for this type of situation are nowhere around. It would be disastrous and stupid to even try and attempt something like this and I don't want anything to do with it."

"Fine, then leave. Scully and I'll handle it from here and you can consider yourself absolved."

Darren could only stare at them in awe of what they were saying and planning on doing. "So, it's either I leave and completely forget everything that's happened here or I deal with what he just tried to do and move forward." Watching them and shaking his head. "You people are nuts."

Scully moved closer to the man and placed her hand on his arm. "Darren, please understand. We're not taking this lightly. No one knows better what he just tried to do than us. Than *me*. But, this was his third attempt and if it were to get back to the bureau, there would be no chance in hell he'd have a job to go back to and that job means everything to him. We can't let that happen, and if that means going against convention, then that's what we have to do."

For several minutes, all Darren could do was stare at the agents. He could tell they knew one word from him and they'd lose everything. But, he could also tell they were willing to take the risk. That, more than anything, made his decision for him. "All right, I'll stay, but, if there is so much as a glimpse that things aren't okay, I'll toss him in a psyche ward before you can even think about what I'm doing. Is that understood?" Skinner and Scully gave him tired smiles and nods of agreement and he turned in the direction of his room. "I'm going to take a hot shower and berate myself for going along with this. Call me if you need me."

They watched as he entered his room and closed the door. "That was too close. I thought for sure we'd be checking Mulder into the nearest clinic for suicide watch. We got lucky this time." No response. "Dana?"

Scully forced herself to answer, "I wouldn't call Mulder grazing his head with a bullet lucky, Walter. He came so close ... " Shaking her head. "He came so close to finally ending it." She wrapped her arms around herself. "What I'm having a really hard time dealing with is that he used the gun from my purse. He didn't even think how that would affect me."

"If it's any consolation, I don't believe he thought a lot about anything pertaining to his actions. If he had, we wouldn't be having this conversation; we'd probably be giving our statements to the police over his dead body. This was an act of desperation, plain and simple."

"There's nothing plain or simple about any of this. Nothing at all. But, then again, when has Mulder's life been easy or plain or simple?"

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Scully stood quietly observing every breath Mulder took and watched for any signs he was fighting the tie-restraints. She was startled when his eyes suddenly opened and pierced her with a heart-wrenching stare.

Before she could say anything, he spoke, "Do you know why I took up swimming, Scully?" He watched as she shook her head, never moving his eyes from hers. Cutting through to her soul. "When I was younger, I had heart problems and the doctor recommended either figure skating or swimming to build the muscle back up. Now, I knew skating was a sure-fired way to get my ass kicked, so I started lap swimming." He paused as a single tear rolled down his expressionless face. "My heart did get stronger and I was a pretty good swimmer, though, now, I would have been happier if none of that had happened."

"What do you mean?"

"When Hennessey was ... raping me, I wished so much that my heart had never gotten stronger; that I'd died when I was younger." Another pause, another tear. "But then, I realized I'd have never met you." Scully brightened at the thought that maybe he was coming out of the darkness. *Please God. Help him.* "So, I started asking that somehow the doctors were wrong and it had come back and while he was fucking me, my heart was ballooning. Just like when I was a kid. And, I was going to die just as soon as it exploded."

Scully bit back the sob that threatened to overwhelm her whole body. "You don't mean that, Mulder. You can't, not after how far you've come. This was just a small setback, that's all." She caught Skinner's movement out the corner of her eye and prayed he would be strong for all three of them. *I'm tired. So tired.* //And, what about him? When does he get the chance to be tired?//

Mulder's eyes shifted to include both of them in his powerful gaze. He knew he was on the edge looking over the abyss, but he couldn't find his fight. It lay in the same heap as his pride, his happiness ... his life. "Have you ever wanted to die so much you could taste it? Well, I'm there, Scully, and it's breakfast, lunch and dinner."

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Session:

"So, why'd you do it? What possessed you to take Dana's gun and try to redecorate the walls in your room?"

"It felt like the last straw." Looking out the window. "Here I was, finally starting to feel human again and not some of Hennesseys's leftovers and something small, unimportant brings everything back. You used my first name, for God's sake! And I was blubbering idiot for hours and it just started piling up and piling up. I saw that no matter what I did or how I felt, he was always going to be just that close and I didn't want to live my life like that."

"And without any thought to what you'd be leaving behind, you put that gun up to your head and pulled the trigger."

"But like most things in my life, it didn't go the way I planned. I think somebody up there doesn't like me."

Anger. "So what! There should be enough people down here that would make you want to stay. I know of at least two that are thanking their deities that you were startled enough to only put another dent in your head. Did you think about their feelings when you decided to give Hennessey what he wanted? No, of course not or else you wouldn't have used Dana's gun to do the deed. I have to believe you were just really hurting and not thinking or else I'd have to fight the urge to shoot you myself. Dana's gun. Do you know what that would have done to her?"

"All I kept hearing was Hennessey's voice .... taunting me. I did what I thought I had to." Thinking. "What did you mean by my giving Hennessey what he wanted? He's dead, or so I've been told. I can't give him anything."

Frustration. "Mulder you're a psychologist; you know this stuff. It's almost first year rote. 'Rape is about power. The survivor must take back that power in order to move ahead. Once the power is taken back, the rapist has nothing over the survivor and is shown for the powerless person he/she is. The survivor truly becomes a survivor and is not pidgeonholed a victim again.' Hennessey took control when he assaulted you. Every negative reaction you've had since that time has been dictated by his original action. Looking back over his file and your case, I honestly don't think he would have killed you."

"But that would have gone against everything he believed in. It would have changed his entire m.o."

"And what about your case didn't? From the very beginning, he changed things. He went to your house to get you, breaking his 'home is sacred' rule; he ignored his usual fourty-eight hour cleansing ritual; he never presented you to his gods; he tortured you *before* you were dead, thereby making you an unworthy sacrifice ..."

"And he didn't slit my throat once I lost consciousness." Shocked. "I was never there as one of his rituals. I was there .... fo-for him." Understanding. "Which means, that if I had .... succeeded, ... I ....I ...."

"You would have given the ultimate power to him. You would have sacrificed your life to him." Shaking his head. "Based on what we know, Hennessey wouldn't have killed you like the others. They were just the means to appease his gods to get what he wanted - you. His intention was to mess you up so bad you'd have no choice but to kill yourself, then he would be triumphant. He'd come out on top."

"What he hadn't counted on was Scully's need to protect me." Distraught. "Oh, man. I've been blaming her for taking him out when I should have been counting it as a blessing. Yet another, screw-up."

Giving up. "It's in your hands now, so to speak. It's up to you to decide how you want to deal with it." Heading for the door and stopping. "Don't let him win, Mulder. He's not worth it."

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----Foxy. Oh, Foxy. Ready to play yet? I've been waiting, but now I'm tired. I'm ready and we're on my time.----

"No! I'm sick of your games!"

----"No one ever said you had a choice in this. You were given to me to do what I wanted and I did. And I will continue to do so for as long as I want. And I want for a very long time, Fox. A very long time.----

"I'm not listening to you. You can't do anything more to me. You're dead and gone."

----"Uh uh. I'm here, just like I've always been. I'm in your head, Fox. I can make you dance and scream and cry and bend over and open yourself to me. I have all of the cards and I'm the one dealing. This is my game and you just have to play along. But, don't worry. At least one of us is going to have a wonderfully fun time.----

"NO!"

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Scully experienced a sense of deja vu as she watched her partner in the swing. She fought back the vertigo that nearly overwhelmed her as the other scene from before swirled before her eyes and passed what seemed like a lifetime ago. *So much feels like it's happened since then.* //But, if it's helped him even a tiny fraction, then wasn't it worth it?// *But did it help him?* //Only one way to find out.// She pushed open the screen and headed to her spot beside him. "Have you ever had the feeling you've been here before?"

He smiled. "Yeah, all the time. But I have to tell you, we've really got to stop meeting like this. People are starting to talk."

"Well, what's a little talk compared to what we've been through." Aghast at her slip. "Oh, Mulder, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up when you were looking so peaceful. I'd never hurt you like that."

"I know that, Scully. I know that better than anyone." He returned his gaze back to the horizon. "The last time we were here, you came to me to apologize and I wouldn't let you, remember?" She nodded. "I didn't let you because, deep down, I knew you didn't owe me anything." Scully tried to protest, but he stopped her. "You weren't to blame for anything. You saw your partner being hurt and you reacted in the only way you should have." His voice breaking. "You protected me just like you always have and ...will. I honestly believe that."

Crying. "Thank you. I didn't know how much I needed to hear that until you said it. For a while, I thought you hated me."

"Never. I could never hate you. You're my best friend - the best one I've ever had and the thought of losing that ... Well, let's just say, I never want to think of losing your friendship." Mulder, his hand shaking all the way, reached out and wiped the tears from Scully's face. When he was finished, he steadied himself as she returned the favour and moved his forelock as well. "But, *I* do owe you an apology. I shouldn't have used your gun. If I was going to kill myself, I should have found something else. It wouldn't have been right to leave you with that burden and I'm sorry." Trying to control his breathing. "My only excuse was that I wasn't thinking; I was reacting. My mind was so focused on getting away from Hennessey that when I found the gun, I blocked out everything else." Crying. "If I had thought about what I'd be leaving you to face, I never would have done it. I promise. I swear. But, I just didn't think about it." Turning back to her. "You believe me, right?"

"Of course I do. You couldn't have hurt me like that any more than I could hurt you." She moved her arms to wrap around him, steeling herself for when he flinched but continuing until she held him. "I have wanted to keep you like this ever since I found you in that warehouse. I have wanted you to know that no matter what, you had my strength to help you through this. But, you just had to ask." Rocking the swing. "Oh, Mulder, I wish you'd never had to go through this. With all the wishes in the world, I wish that you'd never felt this kind of pain. But, since we can't change things, no matter how much we want, just know that Walter's here and I'm here and we'll be beside you whenever it seems like the darkness is getting to be too much." Shakily. "Know that, and we'll all make it through this."

"I do know that, Scully." Taking a deep breath. "I won't let him win."