All the Wishes in the World: Aftermath  (R) (1/2)
by Sammi M.
sammi4@earthlink.net
jhourdhaun@hotmail.com
s_moch@venus.twu.edu

Classification: SA (Mulder-angst, Scully-angst, Skinner-angst) Rating: R for now, for adult situations; language; violence; flashbacks of RAPE Spoilers: None Keywords: Mulder, rape, counseling Summary: Mulder has to face his demons.

********************************** Archive: Yes ATXC: Yes **********************************

Disclaimer: I know this means nothing if you were to call me out on it, but it makes me feel better to say that you, Chris Carter, Fox Broadcasting and 10-13 Productions own the main characters. I'm torturing them no worse than you do when you allow the characters into a John Shiban teleplay.

Here's the third story. Thanks to all who wrote about the first two. It has definitely helped me in writing this story. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out AtWitW: Incident and AtWitW: Recovery.

This is still not a pretty story. So, you should probably prepare yourself for a much bumpier ride in this one more than the others. This is Mulder's story. Scully and Skinner have their own demons to deal with here, but this one either makes Mulder or breaks him. As I'm writing the introduction, I can't say how it's going to end. I know *I* want him to make it to the epilogue, but, as in most of my stories, this one is writing itself and I'm just along for the ride.

Rape is a brutal crime. It is a crime of power and it invades every aspect of the victim. Though it is the same crime perpetrated against both women and men, each gender has its own problems stemming from it. Physically, Mulder's recovering pretty much on schedule; mentally, there's a lot he hasn't dealt with and he's going to come face-to-face with most of it in this story. So, there is no romance, lots of hurt and barely any comfort here. If you're looking for a fairy tale, this ain't it.

Because I think this one isn't going to offer the closure a lot of people have been asking for, I intend to write an epilogue that takes place a year after the incident. Hopefully, it will answer some questions and ease some people's minds. But, and I *must* stress this, there will not be a "this-all-leads-to-M&S-sex" story. Sexuality will be addressed in Survival, but not in a romantic way. That's not what this is about.

This is the third part of a three-story arc plus an epilogue. The epilogue is AtWitW: Survival.

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Dedicated to a lost man who just happened to be an officer in the wrong place in time.

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Feedback will be welcome and this can be discussed on fictalk.
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All the Wishes in the World: Aftermath by Sammi M.

"I owe you one."

A rather harmless phrase when one thinks about it, but it can mean so much more depending on the situation. For a man who sees no end in sight to his private hell, it can be a lashing out at others for denying him what was his. It can be an oath sworn to the devil for consigning him to a fate worse than any death imagined. Or, it can be a promise of a tentative future filled with a hesitant hope.

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--- "You're mine, Fox! Mine!"---

Special Agent Dana Scully watched as her partner moved restlessly on the back bed of the van. She told herself that if it grew to full-scale thrashing, she'd awaken him. *Maybe this is just him trying to get comfortable. These backroads can be rough.* //You're getting very good at deluding yourself, Dana. Awake or asleep. The roads aren't what's screwing with his mind.// "Sir, I think we might need to stop. I'm concerned about Mulder."

*Isn't that why we're doing this, Scully?* Walter Skinner gently maneuvered the vehicle to the side of the road. He turned and watched as his agent went to check on the other man he felt so responsible for. He, too, had noticed the man's growing agitation. He wondered what thoughts were running through Fox Mulder's mind as he drifted in an unpleasant, drugged sleep. //You couldn't handle what's going on in his mind, Wally. No one can. Not even Mulder. Or didn't his trying to bash his brains out on a guardrail and trying to garotte himself with the wires from his machines clue you in. Do you really know what you've got yourself into here?// "Is everything all right, Scully?"

"His temperature's back up and I don't like how he's breathing." She turned concerned eyes to her boss. "How much further do we have? I really want to have him secured in a bed before I administer any more meds." They had been travelling for most of the day. First by ambulance, offered by a friend of Dana's to ease the first leg of travel, then by a private plane, offered by Mrs. Mulder to ease her conscience, and now by van. //To ease, what? You guys worked hard to find a van equipped with a bed, so that he would be comfortable on the last leg of the trip. Only problem with that is, comfort can't hide you from slowly dying from the inside out.// *It's been nearly three months since the initial rape and his body still hasn't gotten over this. If his body is having problems what about his mind? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.*

The thrashing increased. "No!.... I ... let me go! .... Stop! .... i do - do ...n't ... i ...can't take ... SCULLY!"

"It's okay, Mulder. It's Scully. I'm here. I'm right here." Scully frantically worked to calm the man in the midst of his internal terror. "Mulder! It's only a dream. Come on back, Partner. It was just a dre...."

Before she could finish, his eyes flew open and he stared at her until she could only lower hers. For the briefest of moments, Mulder had believed her. *It was only a dream.* Then she lowered her eyes and he knew she had lied. He pulled away from her and felt the slight twinge from parts of him that still hadn't quite healed. Tears rushed back to his eyes as he remembered every detail of what had happened to him in glorious Technicolour. He fought the memories as they prepared to repeat themselves on the endless loop that didn't stop even when he was asleep. Mulder could feel the concern flowing from his partner, and, though a tiny part of him reveled in her discomfort, he quickly sought to ease her mind. "Closer to a nightmare, Scully, but I'm back from it." He caught Skinner's worried gaze. "How much further? The walls are starting to close in."

"Not too much further." The older man turned back and squinted at a sign further down the road. "Looks like our turn-off ahead." Looking up to the rearview mirror. "It's only about five miles from there. You think you can hold out for that long?"

Mulder smiled a smile that held little emotion and didn't reach his eyes. "I've waited longer for things; I think I can make this."

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"Talk to me, Mulder. It's the only way I'm going to know what you're feeling." Darren urged the man staring out the window.

"Save the bonding for someone who needs that shit. I'm fed up with it."

The counselor lifted an eyebrow. This was the first time in the three days he'd been here that his client had used profanity. All the other times they'd met, he'd been so civil the politeness had been almost cutting. Maybe they were getting somewhere. "I wasn't trying to bond. There's no way we can bond over something like this because I've never experienced it like you have. But, I think we can work through what you're feeling, together. I'm here to help you."

Mulder turned almost black eyes to the man and maneuvered his chair to the unmarked safety line. "You wanna help? Figure out a way to get me the fuck out of this chair permanently! I'm sick of having to depend on it. Tell my fucking muscles to forget about the damage and support me for more than a few hours like their supposed to. Tell my body to heal so that I'm not too weak I have to depend on my partner and my boss to get me to the bathroom! Tell my fucking hands to stop shaking so that I can feed myself without having half of it end up on me *before* I can decide I'm not hungry! That's the kind of help I need." He pushed himself closer to the man sitting at the table. "If you can't do any of that, then stop wasting my time and yours!" The agent turned his wheelchair around and moved back to the window he had been staring out of earlier.

"I think that's pretty clear." Darren stood. "I'm gonna give you a break for a few hours. Let you take a breather, so that you'll be all fresh and ready to talk for this afternoon's session." He moved to the door and grabbed the knob. "Give it a chance, Mulder, and we'll be able to get a handle on this." The counselor left the room, closing the door firmly behind him and headed for the kitchen area where he knew the others were waiting. Scully and Skinner sat at the table drinking coffee and he was surprised to find a cup already waiting for him. Judging by the looks they gave him, he knew they had heard the last session. "I know what you're thinking, but that was actually a good one."

Scully turned surprised eyes to the younger man. "It didn't sound that way. In all the time I've known Mulder, I've never heard him attack in that manner; it's not his style. How could that be good?"

"He's getting angry. That's one of the best things for him right now." Sipping his coffee. "Mulder's cut off a lot of his emotions, Dana." At her skeptical look, he continued. "I know he's cried, but in situations like this, tears are almost a surface emotion. They're used a lot of times to cover the deeper feelings. Most people don't try to get past the tears because they're uncomfortable with them. Hence, the survivors can build a stronger wall. My job and yours is to get beyond the surface and help him release the anger and fear deep within him. We're going to have to force him to confront his feelings or else he's not going to make it."

Something about Darren's statement ate at Skinner. Though he recognized it as a clear plan, he couldn't shake the nagging feeling that plagued him after those words were spoken. No matter how hard he tried to overlook it, he just couldn't. What right did they have to do this to Mulder? To his friend? "Don't you think Mulder's been *forced* enough during this situation?"

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A few days later

"Looking good, Mulder." Scully smiled. "I think once you're no longer dependent on the cane, you should keep it. It adds something to your rakish mystery and charm."

"Rakish mystery and charm?" Feigning a Southern accent as he limped along the path. "Why, Agent Scully, I didn't know you cared."

Scully tried to place the air that surrounded her partner, but it kept eluding her. She watched as he limped his way to the edge of the woods and back. He seemed excited. *Who wouldn't be considering? The wheelchair's old news. He said he'd be out of it his first week here and he is. He did it.* Then it hit her. *He's enjoying himself. Mulder is actually happy that he's done this." //Has it really been that long since you saw your partner happy that you've forgotten what it looks like? Oh, that's pathetic. He's pathetic and you're just as bad thinking a walk around the way is going to make him all better.// Scully visibly shook herself to dispel the thoughts in her head and turned an even more dazzling smile onto her friend. She could hear Skinner and Darren coming out of the house and she figured Mulder'd had enough exercise. "I think we should call it a day. You've done pretty good. You're still not up to any marathons, but you're making progress. I'm really proud of you."

For a second, the light returned to the agent's eyes as he marveled at his accomplishment. But, only for a second as the light hit Darren's hair just so. "Oh, God!" Mulder screamed as his legs gave out under him. His partner rushed to his side and bent to help him, worried he'd injured himself again. "NO! DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T ANY OF YOU TOUCH ME!" The terrified screams had the other men rushing to their sides and Mulder felt the ground shake with their movements.

--- "What's the matter, Fox? Scared that I'd left you? Don't you know I'd never leave you? That I'd come running to you? No matter where you were."---

"Oh, God! Make it stop. Make him stop! He's dead, damn you! DEAD! Why is he in my head!"

Scully had jerked away after his first demands and she seemed to be shaking despite the heat that surrounded them. Skinner watched helplessly as Mulder attempted to collapse himself into the smallest ball his six foot frame could get into. Darren dropped to his haunches and crossed his arms around himself to keep from touching the distraught man. "Mulder. He's not here. You said it yourself; he's dead. He can't hurt you anymore; he can't hurt anyone anymore." He gestured for Scully to go into the house and turned a frowning face to her boss when she ignored him. He turned back to the man on the ground and focused on him even after he felt her turn and angrily stomp back to the house. "Listen, Mulder. Either you get up on your own or Skinner and I are going to have to touch you to get you into the house." A whimper. "Look. We can't let you stay out here and bake. Those are your options. Take 'em or leave 'em." Darren tried to ignore the menancing presence of the A.D., but his fear got the better of him as he heard what amounted to a human growl. He tossed a look at the older man and repositioned himself so that he was facing him. "What's it gonna be?" No response. "Okay, fine." Nodding at Skinner and ignoring his scowl. *Boy, am I in for it now. I guess I better review my 'Tough Love' training while we're taking him in, otherwise, I'm probably going to be out of a job and my life.* "Walter, I need you to ..."

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Sessions:

"I don't see why I have to be here. Mulder's the one having to deal with this. I'm not important."

"That's where you're wrong, Walter. You're just as vital to his recovery as Dana. Maybe, more so."

"And how do you see that?" A humourless chuckle. "I know you haven't known them for long, but it doesn't take a close confidante to know they're devoted to each other. I don't fit into that."

"What would you say if I told you he thinks of you as his anchor?" A noticeable reaction. "Surprised you, didn't it?... He's using your strength to push himself onward. He's focusing on you like he would a father and so far you haven't let him down." Reading from a folder. "'He hasn't blamed me for what happened and he's never once refused to help me or ... touch me. He doesn't flinch when I lose my blance and fall on him and he's never once acted like I disgust him. He's sort of like my rock when I need shelter.' Now. Does that sound like you're unimportant?"

Confusion. "But, what about Scully?"

"Mulder has other issues to deal with concerning Dana. Right now, he's relying on your strength and presence to help him through."

"My strength?" Massaging temples. "Shit! What strength? I couldn't help him when he needed me the most! I couldn't find him!" A shaky breath. "You want to know what happened when we found ... them? I saw what that ... *animal* was doing to him and I ... froze." Disgusted. "When we came through that door, all I could see was Mulder .... underneath .... that ... that .... Everything around me shut down and I could only focus on what Hennessey was doing to him. For the second time in my life, I felt totally helpless." Trying to calm himself. "I only started breathing again when I heard Scully shoot the bastard. Some strength, huh?" Distressed. "When my best ... agent needed me the most, I let him down." Pausing. "I have to be here for him. It's the least I can do." Hatred. "But, I can tell you this, though. If Hennessey were still alive, I guarantee you I wouldn't let Mulder down now."

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"I'm scared, Darren."

"Of what?"

"What if he's never the same? What if he can't bounce back? What if this is what he has to look forward to for the rest of his life? What kind of existence is that?"

"You'd be there for him, right? You and Walter?"

"I'd want to be there, but .... would *he* want me there?"

"Why would you think that, Dana? Has he said anything to you?"

Chagrined. "No. He hasn't said anything." Thinking. "He hasn't *said* anything." A deep breath. "It's just, sometimes, I'll catch him looking at me almost like he ... hates me."

"Isn't that a little extreme?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that like that. I meant ...." Flustered. "I meant....." Giving in. "That's exactly what I meant. There have been times when I've turned and caught him looking at me with so much hatred that I've had to leave the room." Almost silently. "Not that I could blame him."

"You can't blame him for hating you? But, he's your partner. That doesn't seem right."

"Neither does leaving him in Hennessey's hands as long as I did." Frustration. "I was there when he profiled that monster. I gave him the forensic evidence that provided Mulder with a pattern. I should have known something like this could happen. I'm a trained law enforcement official, for God's sake! I could have stopped this from happening." Angry tears. "He wouldn't be going through this if I had just ... just ...."

"Just what, Dana? Short of living, breathing, ... dying. What could you have done in preventing this?"

"I could have ... I could .... He's my partner; I could have ... should have done something."

"You did do something. You killed the man who was hurting your partner. Do you regret that or see it as not enough?"

Steel. "I could never regret that."

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"So. What's a good counselor run these days? Are you getting paid by the hour or salaried?"

"You know, Mulder. If you'd stop being the Ph.D Smartass, we might actually get somewhere in these sessions."

"Your bedside manner sucks."

"No one would fault me considering who I'm dealing with. In fact, I might even be applauded."

Assessing the situation. "I hate him."

"What?"

"I said I hate him. Hate him for what he's done to me. Hate him for how I feel; how I should feel but don't. I hate him for taking away my security." Deep breaths. "I'm sure you've been told about all of the scary stuff I had to deal with before. Well, strange thing about that is I was scared, but I felt secure no matter what. Don't get me wrong. I knew there were times Death was waiting, but I was always secure in the knowledge I was searching out the truth or that there would be a purpose to my sacrifice." Lost. "He took that away from me. I couldn't honestly say there was a purpose to what I did any more." Shrugging. "I hate him for that."

"Sheesh, Mulder. You sure know how to surprise a guy."

"Well, you were the one who wanted to cut the bullshit. I was only happy to oblige."

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--- "Foooxxx. Come out. Come out. Wherever you are. I'm ready to play again, aren't you? I've missed you, sooo much."

"No! Stay away from me Hennessey! I'm not going to play your sick games any more."

--- "Ohhh, don't say that. You and I are friends and I always take good care of my friends. Come on and play, Fox. You'll enjoy it as much as the last time. You remember the last time, don't you? We had so much fun. You screamed for me and I gave you exactly what you wanted." ---

"NO!" Mulder shot up in his bed and fumbled for the bedside light.

Scully and Skinner bolted into the room, checking it out for intruders. When they realized everything was clear, they headed for opposite sides of the bed to comfort the hysterical agent. "Mulder, you're fine. It's just you, me, Walter and Darren. No one else is here." She gently brushed the hair from his frantic eyes as she soothed him. "Hennessey can't hurt you ever again. He's gone, Mulder."

"Prove it."

Startled. "What?"

"Since you're so fucking sure he's gone, I want you to prove it. Do something to show me he's never coming back." Looking between the two agitated agents. "Away from your reports and your empirical knowledge, you can't do it, can you? You can say he's gone until you're blue in the face, but you can't PROVE IT!"

Skinner tried to calm his agent. "Mulder, I can assure you Hennessey is very much dead. I saw ..."

"But I didn't. Don't you see? I didn't see him die! All I've had were your words. I never saw it; I never felt it. I never knew. It should have been mine to know."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, you had no right, Scully, to take my closure from me. I was the one he was destroying. It was for me to destroy him."

The shaking had started almost from the time she'd run into the room. She couldn't control it - almost reveled in it because it meant she was feeling something. But, suddenly, the shaking stopped. A hot, white fury replaced it, and, for the first time since the incident, she ignored his pain in favour of her own. "How dare you! How dare you turn on the one person who has done everything in her power to get you through this." Glaring at Skinner. "No, he needs to hear this." Turning back to Mulder. "I put my career on the line so that you'd never have to look that son-of-a-bitch in the eye ever again. I did this for *you*! I blew that bastard's brains out so that you could live a little easier - breathe a little better knowing that he could never hurt you again. I blamed myself for not finding you sooner and I tore my soul apart with your screams and this is how you treat me!" Scully moved closer to her partner and grasped his arm as tight as she could even though she could feel his intense trembling. "Do you know what I see every time I close my eyes, Mulder? I see Hennessey over you, fucking you to the point of death and up till now, I felt like it was my fault." Releasing him and turning away. "Every tear you shed, I felt it because I didn't find you in time. Every time you moaned, it was because I didn't check on you that weekend. Every time you tried to destroy your miserable life, I thought I should die with you because it was my fault you were feeling this. Every time you had to remember what he did to you, I prayed to God that it had been me instead of you. Do you know what I was asking for? Do you care? I was willing to take your place in something so horrible just because I couldn't bear to see you dealing with this pain. But, no more!" Standing. "No more, Mulder. No. More." Quietly. "I'm tired. I did what I could to make this easier on you, but it wasn't enough. It could never be enough. I gave you everything I had ... and .... I just have nothing else to give." She turned back towards her partner and everything stopped. What she saw erased all of the other thoughts and anger away in a moment.

Mulder clutched Skinner's robe in a death grip that seemed almost impossible considering the pallor of his skin and the raggedness of his breathing. He could barely sit upright, even with his boss holding him up. Anger and recriminations flowed from Skinner as he tried to calm his agent and shield him from anything more. "I think you've said enough, Agent Scully."

Unsure. "Sir, I ..." Pleading and moving toward them. "Mulder, I didn't ..."

"That will be all, Scully."

Defeated. "Yes, Sir." She turned and walked to the door, closing it as she exited. As she walked towards her room, she could hear Mulder's sobs echoing through the halls and each step away seemed to bring the crying closer to her. The hallway that had seemed wonderfully short as she was racing towards Mulder and his nightmare, suddenly seemed too long as she moved closer to her destination. Darren waited for her at her door and quietly took her in his arms and hugged her as the tears began to flow. As gently as he could, he soothed her. "Oh, God, Darren. What have I done?" Breaking down. "What have I done?"

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Sessions:

"How is he? Walter won't let me anywhere near him. Not that I blame him."

"We've talked about how Mulder tends to take on the blame for everything, but have you noticed that you do as well? At least, where he's concerned?"

"Are you trying to tell me he's rubbing off on me? I suppose if anyone could make blame and guilt contagious, it would be Mulder."

"You do have a point." Sobering as she does. "He's okay, Dana. What you said hurt, but it got him to thinking. Sort of like a bad scratch makes you think twice about climbing a fence. Even though it might not seem like it, your blow-up probably pushed him farther than anything else we were doing." Smiling. "You helped him more than you hurt."

"Then why does it feel so bad? Darren, I saw what my words did to him. I saw how much ... how it looked like it would break him. I told myself that no matter how bad it got, I would never hurt him and then I ..." Crying. "I have never been so sure of what I was doing as when I blew Hennessey away and yet ... I now feel like I was so wrong." Trying to steady herself. "I've had to reconcile my work and the killing involved with it to my oath and doing no harm, but this feels so way beyond that. I honestly believed I was helping Mulder when I shot his rapist. I was doing more good than harm. But, now, ... now, I don't know anything any more?" Taking a deep breath. "How could I have been so wrong?"

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