IS HE DEAD YET?
A log of the time it takes Alan’s characters to die.
(From shortest to longest.)
(Calculated
from the time the character receives his mortal wound,
or
whatever kills him, to the time he breathes his last.)
(Completely
unscientific as I do not have a stopwatch and it is hard to tear my eyes
away
from
Alan long enough to check some silly timepiece.)
Truly,
Madly, Deeply --
Jamie
Already dead.
Play
-- Man
Also already dead.
Galaxy
Quest — Alexander Dane
In the original space/time continuum, Alexander Dane hits the deck (in slow motion) 3 seconds after Sarris shoots him .
Help!
I’m a Fish --
Joe
Character (supposedly) dies off camera, but we see him struggle with the idea of breathing for 7 seconds. (Idea for sequel: Help! I’m a Human).
Romeo
and Juliet -- Tybalt
Romeo chases Tybalt around and pokes his sword at him for 1 minute and 20 seconds before he finally stabs him, but after that Tybalt is gone in a tidy 18 seconds.
Die
Hard — Hans Gruber
One presumes that Hans dies instantly when he kisses the pavement 30-some floors below, but it takes him 20 seconds to fall out of the window.
An
Awfully Big Adventure — P. L. O’Hara
From the time O’Hara hits his head underwater to the last moment we see his submerged body, 44 seconds elapse. However, if you use his motorcycle as a metaphor for his beating heart, the last sputter of the engine happens 50 seconds after he splashes into the water.
Robin
Hood Prince of Thieves — Sheriff of Nottingham
After Robin stabs him with his own dagger, the sheriff reaches his end, drooling, in 48 seconds. Surprising! Seems longer to me…
Quigley
Down Under — Elliott Marston
Marston takes a good, long 52 seconds to die, but no drooling.
Rasputin
— Grigori Rasputin
This is a real tricky one, as any number of things could have killed Raz and it is difficult to tell what exactly did the trick and when. In fact, the real Rasputin survived all the attacks shown in the film and did not actually die until after he was thrown into the frozen river (an autopsy revealed water in his lungs, which means he was still breathing, or attempting to breathe, while he was in the water). However, he is shown to be in the throes of death for a whopping 7 minutes and 10 seconds, broken down as follows:
From the first cake he eats to the time he begins to feel ill (this could be from either the poison cakes or the poison wine he washes them down with):
2 minutes and 12 seconds.
From the time he begins feeling ill to the first time he is shot:
1 minute and 33 seconds.From the first time he is shot to the first time he loses consciousness:
20 seconds.From first unconsciousness to revival:
1 minute and 20 seconds.From revival to second unconsciousness (which his assassins believe to be death, induced by the round of bullets they have just pumped into him):
1 minute and 45 seconds.