Getting Up There

According to Jeff Foxworthy, you're not a kid anymore WHEN:


- You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

- You enjoy watching the news.

- The phone rings and you hope its NOT for you.

- The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

- People ask what color your hair USED to be.

- You're proud of your lawnmower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

- You start singing along with the elevator music.

- You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

- You routinely check the oil in your car.

- You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style, TWICE.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- 8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".

- You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

- You write thank you notes without being told.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

- Others ask for your recipes.

- You start Christmas shopping in August.

- You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.

- You don't like to drive after dark.

- You say the words, "Turn that music down!"

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You point out what buildings used to be where.

- You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.

- You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

- You rake the yard without being told to.

- You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.



I'M NOT REALLY OLD ... I'M ONLY MATURE 

Today at the drugstore, The clerk was a gent.
From my purchase This chap took off 10 percent.

I asked for the cause of the lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.

The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand -- I'm not old -- I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.

The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer -- can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
And my glasses identify people I meet.

Oh, I've slowed down a bit ... not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old ... I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage chlorine has done.

Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray ... saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for ... not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer ... get off of the road!"

My car has no scratches ... not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older ... much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.

I've got "character lines," not wrinkles ... for sure,
But don't call me old ... just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today

And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.

I'm still in the running ... in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old ... I'm only mature.

~Author Unknown