Regarding Animals:

I'd like to name a thoroughbred racehorse "Superglue" and a scarred manatee "Propeller Head". I think it would be neat to rescue a Norwegian Elkhound from the pound and name him "Torr".

A fun "Magic Christian"-style prank would be to set up a dog food tent in the manufacturers' exhibit area at a horsetrack. The signage would explain how washed-up racehorses were ground up to make the product, and the prominent slogan would be "YOUR LOSS IS OUR GAINES!"

Dogs evolved as a pack hunters. Like many predators, they culled the weak and the sick. So how come guide dogs don't just eat the blind guys they're with?

Regarding Religion:

Regarding the second coming of Christ and some philosophers' prediction that He would probably be executed a second time, I think we might as well give up the wafers & grape juice if He comes back, and eat Him instead.

Regarding Relationships:

My girlfriend and I were watching a TV show about all the different kinds of plastic surgery. She looked at me and said, "Why don't you buy me all those so I can be beautiful?" She didn't need any help to be beautiful, but I couldn't resist replying, "Wouldn't that be like me buying an old junk car and fixing it up?"

Another girlfriend, after an intimate moment, looked me deeply in the eyes and asked, "Would you ever cheat on me?" I replied, "Say please." She beat me up with a pillow.

Regarding Television:

There's a TV commercial where a family is out on their patio trying to enjoy dinner outside, but it begins to rain. The advertiser comes to their rescue with a roll-up awning. This suggests the following scenario: In the beginning, the wife says "Honey, we could have barbeques outside if we had a patio!" So hubby puts in a concrete slab next to the house, buys outdoor furniture, and they eat outside. Eventually, someone complains, "Daddy, the sun's too hot!" So daddy buys an awning to keep the sun and the rain off his family. "Darling, there are too many bugs!" So darling installs screening all the way around. "Papa, the wind keeps blowing my napkin away!" So papa puts up walls all the way around. Then someone says "I'm tired of eating inside, let's eat outside!" So dad pours another concrete slab next to the former patio ...

I saw a TV News exposé of a popular pastry shop. They had been touting their wares as healthy, low calorie, low fat, & all the latest buzz words, and were enjoying a land office business. The investigative reporter purchased samples undercover, had them analyzed at a lab, then returned with a cameraman to confront the people behind the counter with their findings that the calorie count and fat content were well above what the cheerful little signs next to the assorted muffins and donuts proclaimed. The workers hemmed and hawwed. Then the reporter interviewed the customers, asking them why they came there. One after another, the trendy patrons gushed, "Oh, the pastries are so low calorie, and low fat, and healthy, and they taste soooo GOOD!"

I used to work in the Television Division at Tektronix, and one of the TV engineers told me, "Theatre is life. Film is art. Television is furniture."

Regarding Infants:

Did you know a box of strike-anywhere matches makes a good baby rattle?

My 1-year-old likes to take my spectacles off and examine them, and it occurred to me I could tell him, "Ah, Grasshopper, when you can snatch the glasses off my face, you have completed your training."


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