Sexual & Domestic Violence: Why should you care?

One out of two women will be in a violent relationship in her lifetime (National Victim Center). Every single minute of every day more than one woman is raped in America alone (U.S. Justice Department). (Imagine the world wide epidemic!) According to Survivors of Incest Anonymous, before the age of eighteen, one out of three girls and one out of seven boys will be victims of incest or sexual abuse.

Perhaps you'll be among the lucky ones who will never be touched, but that does not mean it will never affect your life. Do you honestly believe you'll never know any of those "one out of three girls or one out of seven boys"? Chances are among the people in your life, you already know many who have been touched, you just may not know who. Your mother, brother, friend, lover, anyone you know may be a survivor or current victim of sexual or domestic violence, but you wouldn't know just by looking at them. The only way you'd know would be talking about it. The problem is few people openly admit these forms of violence have ever touched their lives. Many victims and survivors are ashamed to openly admit such travesty because when they do, they are met with denial, blame, and mis-understanding from the people closest to them.

Many people wonder why victims never get out of an abusive relationship or why survivors are full of angry messages. The reason is, everyone around them may seem to be blind to the abuse or they flat out ignore it by refusing to talk about it with them. That leaves the victims and survivors felling isolated, depressed, crazy and very angry. Victims need to be able to talk about their situation because after all the (emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, and/or psychological) abuse, it's difficult for anyone to maintain the self confidence to get out on their own. Survivors need to be able to talk about their experience in order to heal, but who do they talk to? A counselor (that takes money), a support group (that takes time, of which many people have very little). Besides, why should a victim or survivor have to go to a special support group in order to find support? You are their friends and family and they need your support.

A victim or survivor may disclose to you because they feel safe enough with you to reach out for your support. The best thing you can do for a victim or survivor is to listen because healing is difficult to do alone. You can offer referrals, but I wouldn't recommend giving advice or expecting anyone to be on your "healing timeline". They need the space to do it at their own pace, but they still need your support. If you don't know what to say when someone discloses to you be very honest, but don't hurt them more by turning away, refusing to listen, or blaming them for the abuse. Simply tell them, "I don't know how to help, but I'm here to listen to your pain" and then do just that. Listen.

Listening to someone you love about their experience with sexual and domestic violence is not easy thing to do. Either for the survivor or for their loved ones. Often friends and family feel powerless, uninformed and even blamed for the abuse, making it an even more difficult topic to discuss, but it is very necessary. Talking about sexual and domestic violence is not meant to place blame. It's meant to help us to heal and then to end it. Perpetrators rely on our silence to perpetuate an atmosphere that makes it safe for them to abuse.

Survivors do not seek your pity. They are trying to get you to recognize that abuse can touch anyone and that it has touched them and they need your support in healing. So the next time someone tries to share their experience with you try laying down your defenses and realize they are trying to heal the hurt. Their words may be angry, but it's because they are screaming to have their pain recognized. They want for you to admit that because violence has touched them, it has touched you and we need to support one another in ending the violence.

If you can hear the message behind a survivor's words, you will help them to heal and once we can do that, we'll be strong enough to help you in your fight. Whatever our involvement (or lack of), we all need to feel safe enough to talk about the issues.