Shavers
On February 6, 1997, an obstensibly straightforward message
went out to test an email distribution list of all the Ususal
Suspects. The first omen of things to come appeared when
Thin Ice sent this response to all the Suspects:
Just another hair brained idea from Northy because he won't shave.
Thin Ice
This was immediately followed by this broadcast message
from Matty:
Please be warned . . . that a man name Reeky B. is impersonating One
North. If you should receive any email from this subject, please report
him to the proper authorities (Chicago Psychiatric Institute, email:
looseganglia@IAMNUTS.com.
thank you.
Matty
Walleyes graciously provided everyone with the following update:
Fellow Unusual Suspects,
El Nanuk de Nord (aka One North) has been apprehended and safely
returned to Chicago's finest mental health institute. Thankyou for your
assistance. "Northy" will be required to shave daily and should soon
appear normal and be allowed to access the internet from his padded
cell. Please be kind to him during this trying period in his rehab.
Walleyes
Finally, detailed analysis of the entire situation was studiously
provided by Cinemod:
Dear Walleyes and Los Otros Sospechos Usual:
Thank you for informing us of the capture of the infamous El Nanuk de Nord
(aka One North, aka Northy, aka Nordy and more!), but I take little comfort
in knowing about his return to the Chicago area institution. After all,
isn't El Nanuk de Nord the one and the same "Southside Schnook?" Isn't he
the same nefarious defiler of the ChiTown area barber shops? Odious
despoiler of local Chicago drugstores' personal hair care aisles?
Notorious beard-painting-graffiti-tagger of Michigan Avenue advertising
posters? Indeed, is there a beardless poster left in the Windy City? Do
you realize the grave psychological damage he cost that capitol of
Midwestern beef's young men when he painted full beards on the 1995
Victoria's Secret publicity campaign? Do you understand how
night-after-night, Matty still keeps dreaming of Vittorio's Secret! (Sorry
you had business in Chicago that fateful year, Matty! Truly.)
With all this in mind, Walleyes, do you really think a daily shave is
enough for El Nanuk? Is the appearance of normalcy enough for this hirsute
master of barberism? Should his brand of cosmetological abuse also spread
throughout the Internet? "Be kind to him?" Who will be kind to me when I
wake up from my own nightmares? Will Cindy Crawford ever look the same to
me? ... stubble free? When will I stop using a pink lady shaver on my own
face? Will I ever eat bearded oysters again?
Yes, Walleyes, I too passed through Chicago in 1995! >sob<
--- CineMod
The following pictures are provided for our "chat-challenged" readers:
For further reading on shaving, aka recommends the following:
Whether to shave or what to shave
How to shave
What to sing while shaving
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