I Know You Are But What Am I?


Justin was sitting with his feet tucked under the sheets of his twin bed. The sheets were patterned with soccer balls and basketballs and baseballs. There was a matching cover. His mother bought the set on sale at Wal-Mart when they moved into their new house. He had his own room now, and Brittany had hers.

Since she was a girl, and older, she was given the bigger bedroom with a walk-in closet and Mom and Dad set up a canopy bed her grandmother had left them. Justin told them how unfair it was that she got the bigger room and the bigger closet and the bigger bed. But his Mom only smiled and his Dad laughed and said “Why the hell do you need a walk-in closet, boy?”

And so he never went on to tell that he wanted the bed not just for its size but for the canopy and the white lace cover. And that he wanted the closet not just for its space but for the collection of Barbies that lived inside it. And that he wanted to stand at the window of that room and watch the clouds sweep by over the field that it faced.

Justin’s room overlooked the garage. It had a small window. He could see part of the neighbor’s yard and a shed that held a lawnmower. The walls were plain blue and the rug was a tan that didn’t match. It smelled a little bit of cigarette smoke from the previous homeowner, who had used the room for a study. Justin got up from his bed and put some socks on. His feet were still cold. He had on his pajamas, size 8 stocky since he was heavy for his age. His mom always said it wasn’t because he ate a lot, it was because he moved so slowly he never burned off any calories. The rest of the family was skinny and quick and sharp. Especially Brittany.

Justin walked by Brittany’s bedroom on the way downstairs. He peeked around the corner and she was looking in the mirror over her dresser and fixing her hair. She had curly hair that tangled easily and took a long time and a lot of conditioner to fix, but once it was done, it was gorgeous. She must have heard him walk up, because she turned around from the mirror and she patted her curls back from her smooth light brown face and wrinkled up her nose. “I know I’m pretty, but you don’t have to stare,” she said. Brittany could always think of something to say. And so fast. Justin wished his mind could at least move quickly even if he could not get his body up to speed. He stood there for a second. “You’re retarded,” he finally said. As he was walking away toward the stairs, he heard her say immediately, “I know you are, but what am I?”

Later on everyone was downstairs in the kitchen and they were having a casual Saturday breakfast. Mom and Dad were eating toast and drinking coffee and Brittany was in the middle of a Pop tart she had toasted in the big toaster that was plugged in by the coffeepot. Justin got a package of two brown sugar Pop tarts out of the box on the counter and he sat down and started eating one. He liked the taste before it was toasted; floury and pasty and sweet and comforting. Brittany looked at him across the square kitchen table and narrowed her eyes.

“People who eat Pop tarts without toasting them”, she said, “are gay”. “Shut up,” said Justin. “And how”, said Brittany”, are you ever going to get a six pack?” She paused. “Oh, I’m sorry”, she said, “You do have a six pack-a six pack of jelly rolls!” and she poked him in the stomach and laughed. “You’re so funny,” said Justin. “I know,” said Brittany. Justin looked away from her and pretended that she wasn’t there. But he could only finish one of his Pop tarts.

Mom and Dad didn’t hear. They were talking together about a project they were going to do later in the day cleaning out the garage. They both talked fast and interrupted each other all the time. Justin sometimes wondered if somebody should hide the coffee. It was the last thing the two of them needed.
The TV was going and the radio was on. Justin went back upstairs and he looked for a book to read.

He was in his room for a while and he heard footsteps running up the stairs. He heard someone talking to Brittany and he recognized the voice of Bristol, the blond girl from across the street who was her best friend. They went into Brittany’s room and they got the Barbies out of the closet and they sat on the bed playing with them.

Justin walked by a couple of times to look in. He was pretending he was just walking to the bathroom and he would take a quick glance inside the room on the way by. He heard one of the Barbies say to another, “Let’s go shopping, girl!” and then he heard Brittany shout to him, “Quit walking by my room! I know you’re about to get on my nerves!” “ I was about to say,” said Bristol.

He waited about five minutes and he walked by again. He heard the girls talking about Michael, a boy who rode the school bus with them. He looked through the doorway. “What did Michael do?” he asked them. Brittany looked at him with that narrow look. “This is an A/B conversation,” she said.
“So you can ‘C’ your way out of it!” Justin gave up. He went back to his room and read his book and then he did some coloring in a Spiderman coloring book because it was the only one he had.

A couple of hours later he heard his mom’s voice from the doorway. “Justin, Brittany is going over to Bristol’s for the afternoon. Do you want to come help me and Dad with the garage?” “Not really,” said Justin. “What about you go next door and see if Brian wants to play catch?” asked his mom. “Brian went to the beach, “said Justin. He didn’t actually know where Brian was. His mom looked at him. “Mom, I want to finish my book.” “Okay”, she said and shook her head and turned around and walked down the hall and down the stairs.

Justin waited a little while. The girls were gone. He looked out of his little window and he could see the front of the garage and his mom and dad talking and moving boxes around. He got up and went to Brittany’s bedroom. He stood in the middle of the room by the bed. There was a breeze coming through the window and the ruffles of white lace in the corners of the canopy moved ever so slightly. Three Barbies had been left out on the bed. There was a white Barbie with blond hair in a tennis outfit, a black Barbie with her hair up in a twist and an evening gown, and a Pocahontas Barbie who with her brown skin looked a lot like Brittany except her hair was straight and not curly.

Justin picked them up. He had the white Barbie and the black Barbie standing together and talking. Pocahontas came up to them and said hi. The black Barbie in the evening gown turned to her with her legs wide apart and her hands on her hips and said, “This is an A/B conversation, so you can ‘C’ your way out of it.” Pocahontas got mad and went and sat under the bed. The other two Barbies went and sat on the windowsill where the breeze could blow on their faces. The air from outside smelled sweet like grass and clover. They sat in silence enjoying each other’s company. There was no need for more conversation.