A Look Into
My Relationship Story

I have no guts, only an empty void
I long to fill with the names of people who care.
I have no self esteem,
only bits of words people said
which I finally accepted as positive about myself.
I am a blob struggling to be a human.
I am here right now in the present with
patterns from the past.

Somewhere in desperation
I have searched for friendship and love from all sources
and have prepared to pay any price for the warmth and love.
Accepting that anyone could really love me
is extremely frightening because
there is a deep seeded belief in me
that the person will leave me.
In order to get along in life,
for me,
there is a price
and we still pay that price now
even when no one asks for payment
because I still believe I have to.

I always feel inadequate,
seldom trusting the other people in my life
to truly love me.
A feeling is deeply embedded in our mind
saying if we don't have our family we have nothing
We have constantly tried to create a nurturing family like group around us,
clinging, smothering and ultimately failing
again having nothing.

No matter what I try to do or be,
I can never trust that other people can truly love me.
Everyone seems far more superior to us.
In time, we pressure the other person into leaving us
because we are so hungry for love that was never given to us.
The common and repeating thought in my head is
"I can't give you what you need,
I am inadequate, so you'll leave.
In fact I will get rid of myself first
so you don't have to leave me."

Email me at: rebafan@earthlink.net

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