Behind The Yellow Rose
By Mark Anthony Kernan - 10/03/2003

Beaten, battered, and verbally abused, with her four children she fled.
For if she stayed, she'd come to harm, or maybe she'd end up dead.
He never saw her as his equal or thought of her as his best friend.
So fifteen years of "so called" marriage comes to a sudden and abrupt end.

He tattooed on his arm a yellow rose and his daughter's name.
Did he place them there to show his love or merely mask his shame?
The yellow rose, it's her favorite, this she concedes, but nonetheless
This frail attempt to say he's sorry, to her, does not impress.

She's moved on now, with no regrets, and so too has he.
Her dreams of bliss and harmony, never to be.
The children's time and affection, she's been ordered now to share.
Her escape from his control is not so complete, and this causes her such despair.

She's on her own now, desperately trying to find her way,
Struggling, day by day, to make ends meet, with all those bills to pay.
Alone and confused she tries to make the best of her life.
Angry and bitter, she's vowed to be, no man's wife.

As for him, he's remarried - to him it's just a game.
And one thing that's for certain, he will treat her the same.
He'll say I'm sorry for what I've done, it won't happen again,
But it's a sickness in which he must indulge, he cannot abstain.

For her well being, I do fear and also for those around him.
For in due time, the monster within, will surely awaken to harm them.
With all this said, I sit here wondering if she knows
The terrible things he hides behind the yellow rose?

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A Friday Gift From Me to You
By: Mark Anthony Kernan

Here's a little friendship gift, I wish to offer you,
It's words, so carefully chosen, to prove my feelings true.
Of all the beings, in this world, - six billion I believe, or so,
You are the one selected to reap what these words sow.

For every day that I've known you,
Richer I've become.
In thoughts, in deeds, and in visions of things yet to come.
Day and night you're on my mind,
And in my heart as well.
You and I - friends forever - time will surely tell.

The pain you feel, so deep within, is that, I hope to lift,
When today, you, my very special friend, receive this little gift.
For all your pain and suffering, God will take you in,
If you just remember, "You're on cloud nine and headed for ten".

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A Monday Gift From Me to You
By: Mark Anthony Kernan

I send to you this morning a gift of words, like a cloud delivering rain.
May they fall upon you ever so gently and wash away your pain.
For you and all your loved ones, I bow my head and pray.
May these prayers somehow guide you and help you find your way.

My thoughts and prayers are also with you, as you begin your day.
Only You and I, and God, know what these words attempt to say.
Never look into the past - move forward and straight ahead.
Do as your heart tells you, your soul will be fed.
Always remember how very special you are.
Your friendship to me is a beautiful, bright shining star.

For this friendship that we share, I send this small token,
May it somehow help you repair all that is broken.
There is a power on this earth greater than You and I,
He is the one who stirs your emotions and allows you to cry.

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Friend For Thought
By Mark Anthony Kernan

To you my friend these thoughts I'll share. Its for your well being I so deeply care. I know your struggles to be real. The hurt you harbor deep inside, I also feel. As your friend I want you to know, To you, my everything, I do bestow. And if you can't get by on your own Not to worry - you're not alone. I am your friend - until the end. Your wishes I shall not deny. Rest assure, I will help you to get by.

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An Angel Is On The Way
By: Mark Anthony Kernan 8-14-2003

Joyful am I for the special friendship we share.
Unconditional are my intentions, it's for your well being that I care.
Never to me, was anyone so special, nor do they compare
Every day I ask the Lord to help you with this little prayer.

Almighty God I beg of you, bless June Marie, my friend,
For she has endured pain and anguish, she's suffered to no end.
Send to her a guardian angel, protect her from all who are evil.
Remove from her life the constant disturbance and upheaval.
Protect her from any harm, help her to find her way.
And if you would, bless her four children as well.
For they too, have lived through the same unimaginable hell.

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Scars of Friends
12/16/03
By: KK 

I place it on that flesh
wishin it will cause death
when I press it down hard
and down that blood drips
I place it on that vein
ya'll thinkin I'm insane
it's just the way I am
and it's no game I'm playin
It feels so good that pain that hurt
I feel important instead of like dirt
and again you don't understand
cuz it's between me and my spirit
They're sometimes big, sometimes small
As long as it hurts and down the blood falls
It hurts so bad that it feels so good
Whether on my arm, leg, neck or palms
Then it leaves a pretty scar that tells a story
I know what I'm doing just don't worry
It's doin me good so let me be
So don't tell on me, they'll see when I'll be buried
Ummm, them sharp blades are just great
the way they cut and the pain they create
the way they relieve the spiritual to physical ache
When I see crimson fluid when I lacerate
It's no mistake, I try to fake but it's real
The stress it relieves then the way I feel
Again don't worry, I'm not addicted
it's just I can't stop, and don't think I ever will
Till maybe one day I pop that vein and die
I mean I would've stopped then, wouldn't I?
So if you want me stop just let me do what I do
Till I hit the right part and my life goes by
It's just a couple of steps, let me address
Take that blade, press it down on that flesh
Till it hurts and relieves all stress
Then you see the nice blood and the everlasting Scars of Friends that never ever will pretend.

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Sick Minds
12/20/03
By: KK

I need you so badly cuz you took away pain
Being like the blood pumping through all my veins
Without you, I don't know how I'm gonna make it
You might as well take my life right now bare and naked
You were like medicine taking, gone all stress
Making my life like clear and perfect flesh
You were like candy or drugs, so addictive
And you actually kept me doing something active
When I didn't feel like crying, you cut me a break
When I needed you most, you were there, never faked
I'm needin you now, but they banned me from you
And I know you cravin to feel me too
But don't worry, one day we're gonna reunite
And they won't be able to tell wrong from right

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I Cut Myself
by: Ashley Monroe

I cut myself to see me bleed
Dont ask why its just a need
The blood springs forth my soul to feed
I cut myself to see me bleed

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Cutter
By-Cassie-

I don't do it for you
I do it for me
I don't do it to show I hate you
Because I don't
I hate me
Sometimes it hurts so much inside
That I have to know I'm really here
When I feel the pain
Of the scissors crossing my skin
It feels good to know
That I can still feel
It brings the pain from inside
To the surface for me to see
I don't do it to hurt you
I do it to hurt me.

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The Addiction to Cutting
I feel gross and disgusting, looking at myself in the mirror
brings on more shame the 1,000 murderers could hold.
The battle scars of my life are horrifying and scary.
I shatter the mirror in disgust of it's reflection
curled up in a ball my own blood soaks the carpet
my hands filled with exile and disgrace
the pain and anguish I have inside
is pounding harder than 100 bricks falling off the Empire State building.
My nails scratch at my skin until the blood appears it oozes out,
In shock, I can't stop.
The dead flesh, still fresh under my nails frees me from myself.
They don't understand, they couldn't understand. They don't know me.
I'm just that girl, that girl that used to play sports,
that girl that used to get bad grades, and who's dad is a football coach.
The girl that wears long sleeved shirts and long pants everyday.
They think I'm disgusting...I think I'm disgusting...
That must mean I am.
Struggling from day to day.
Struggling not to pick up the knife wears down my energy.
I am lifeless. My stares are as anonymous as looking at a floor,
Beaten everyday the swift rapids carry me along for a ride.
I'm pulled under and try to breath, gasping for air I slam into a rock.
All my fears, anger, and emotions are released.
The struggle is gone,
I land ashore and breath once again
I look down at my wrists and legs, there's blood everywhere.
A blade in my hand,
I lost control again.
Realizing this I shake my head, I was in my room.
Embarrassed from my cuts I run to clean them and hide them.
When will the madness end?
Hiding the cuts has become impossible and I try to run from myself,
But the madness is where I run to.

6-3-00
by Mandy Campell

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Knife
Deep in the soul all I feel is agony
The lifelessness of knowing my destiny is corrupted
Then with the soothing knife I ease my soul
And bleed out the pain
Though my soul is crushed and my brain overworked
The pain never stops
And
I am left with the scars of the knife

6-15-99
by Mandy Campell

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I cried myself to sleep last nite, I thought I was a shame.
To all the people near and far, who knew my disgraceful name.

The tears ran down my cheeks last night, It washed away the pain.
That I kept far down inside of me, My eyes glared in vein.

My voice whispered take me god, for I can�t stand the strife.
I don�t want to do it god, but if I have to, I�ll take my life.

I cried a tear for all the folks, who�s problems lay like mine.
I cried a tear for all the people, so please help them be fine.

Give me strength to live oh god, for sometimes I find it hard to see.
What on earth is worth living for, cause nobody likes me.

I cried my self to sleep last nite, for I could not go on.
But I prayed to God that nite, and his love for me shone.

Tanya Brooks

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Why did you do this to me?
Why did you look at me?
Why did you have to leave me?

close the door, I open the box,
See what you have done to me,
you killed my dream of being alive inside.

Box open, dead inside,
all alone. no one to hear me cry,
wait I can't cry,

Razor out, rip my skin
like a knife cutting a tomato,
Iwanna die, what for you?
you aren't here.

for you to come back, and go again,
what do i have to live for again?

The thrill of cutting myself?

Laura Gonder

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANYONE?
can anyone hear me cry my invisible tears?
can anyone see me dyeing my meaningless life?
does anyone care?
i sit over my bed and cry
holding my life in my hand
one single slice it could end
but what would that do?
leave me 20 time more miserable
burning in hell for eternity.

Laura Gonder

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NOW IS NO FEAR

i shed a tear as death - catches my eye
pains - disrupt innocent minds
now is no fear

today - tomorrow
let it be yesterday
i want this no more
rusty silver - ease the sorrow

fruits in two -
bleed sour, dark blood
my cuts - drip sticky sweet juice
all of them - deeper
by lisa bond

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY DEATH

spinning, spinning
till darkness prevails
setting me free
to the sinnners gates

controlling me now
never will it release
dragging across fire
souls burn so dark

i enter my hell
other side of the world
they cannot see
blinded by fakeness

time for my truth
time for departure
easy to kill emotions
this is my death

by lisa bond

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I HATE MYSELF

can i be her
or can i be him
i dont want to be me
myself, not noticed
i hate myself

i'll be a cat
or even a fish
i dont care
as long as im not me
i hate myself

no telling me a lie
i know the truth
im the worst around
i am not important
i hate myself

i know i should be happy
why am i not ?
why do i live like this?
my reality is torture
i hate myself

life sucks too much
i will never wake up again
never mattering to them
doesnt disrupt me
i hate myself

by lisa bond

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`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SILENT KILL

controlling manner
yesterday came
you passed by
sick minds

madness of your soul
hurts us more now
came here late
still betrayed

inflicted torture
tried to stop it
pain in screams
should end

to tried to end us
deadly attempts
success hurts
silent kill

by lisa bond

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PITY - KILLS PEERS

we are at war
our minds - off
silent death now sins
heal - frightened hues

betrayed sore burns
damned - darkened
fate stays very far
god - no more good

moon - eriee moods
cant stop cuts
razorblade renewed
pity - kills peers

by lisa bond

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY DYING REALITY
should i hush the silence of fear with pain?
should i open contaminated waters of red?
the germs flow to the small stream of freedom - man made
my soul floats to the top to grasp bits of air
only to be pulled under once again
under to a fiery cage of secrecy
perhaps a burden it would be to some
to you and me - a comfort
known thoughts rush out and leave all empty
void of feeling or thought
however hollow hearts feel relief of release
after the bulging misery stops and the blood drips harder
wishing it wasn't this but that
i carve a pond for the flood of teary red swollen slashes
drowning,falling,falling,drowning,
i swim for air that no longer exists
lungs full of fluid with a bitter sweet taste i crave
im ashamed as i awake from my dying reality

by lisa bond

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Re-Entry
THESE SCARS ON MY ARM ARE SIMPLY WOUNDS
PROFOUNDLY INFLUENCED THREW DOORS OF A PAST I FEAR TO RE-ENTER
BY ALL MEANS THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE ATTEMPT
I AVOID RE-ENTRY,
ALTHOUGH FROM TIME TO TIME SOMETHING WILL SURPASS
AND BRING THE OBVIOUS TO LIGHT.
I THEN DESIRE TO COME UP WITH A NEW ELEMENT OF PAIN,
TRUE I HURT SOUL DEEP BUT THIS ARM HOLDS FRESH WOUNDS
BLOCKING THAT DOORPASS.
GOING ON I REFLECT BACK TO WHAT I HAD JUST ACCOMPLISHED
REALIZING THE SCARS REST ON ONE ARM-
WITH VERY LITTLE WONDER I REALIZE ON A DAILY BASES I PERFORM MANY TASK
WITH THE HAND OF THE OPPOSITE ARM
SO I AM ABLE TO PERFORM THIS TASK WITH OUT THE ACCEPTANCE OF AWARENESS
I THEN FOCUS ON BEING PROUD OF MY SELF-INFLECTED PAIN-
FOR I AM NOW IN CONTROL OF MY OWN PAIN.
AS AN ABUSER OF SELF PAIN I REFUSE TO TAKE CLAIM TO SELF DESTRUCTION; UNDERSTANDING I WASN'T DUMB BUT HELPLESS OF THE CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE
I AM KNOW ABLE TO DENY SEEING MY BEHAVIOR AS SELF MUTILATION
BUT AS AN IMPULSE TO ESCAPE MY INNER PAIN.
ENTERING THE DOORS OF BECOMING A SURVIVOR OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE
AS YOU COULD IMAGINE WAS NO DELIGHT.
TRUE SURVIVING THE ULTIMATE TEST WAS SURVIVING MY CHILDHOOD;
NOW BELIEVING I CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING
I AM LEFT WITH NEGATIVITY REALIZING I NOT ONLY ATTRACT BUT HUNT DOWN MEN
WITH THE CAPABILITY TO DESTROY MY REBUILT SELF-ESTEEM
THE SEXUAL ACTIVITY I WAS TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND
HAVE LEAD ME TO BEING PROMISCUOUS AND WILLING TO GIVE MORE THEN A KISS
NOT SO MUCH AS BEING A SLUT BUT BEING EXTREMELY GENEROUS.
I FANTASIZE FORTUNE, FAME AND POPULARITY WITH FANS
FANTASIZING SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS;
MANY COME TO SAY IT NEEDS CLOSURE,
BUT TO OBTAIN CLOSURE MEANS RECALLING THE INCIDENTS
THINKING BACK FOR ME IS BASICALLY DIGGING UP THE CHILDHOOD SCOOP,
AND IT ITSELF CAN BE COMPLICATED
WHEN YOU ARE CERTAIN YOU WHERE NEVER A CHILD;
MANY OFFER ADVISE TOWARDS HEALING,
BUT TO START YOU MUST BECOME ONE WITH THE INNER PAIN OF THAT CHILDHOOD. ALTHOUGH I HAD ALWAYS HELD STRENGTH AND STRUCTURE
I REFLECT BACK TO THE IMPULSE OF MY SELF PAIN
IN ORDER TO ESCAPE MY INNER PAIN.
rhondika

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Every time I slip
I can hear her
sing I hate you.
She screams
She seduces
Intices me
You should hurt.
She whispers
Sweet hunny
In my ears
Pick it up.
She slithers
Slimmy and wrapped in silk
Of course I obey
I slice through the layers
Looking for her
To cut her out and kill her
But she stays trapped
Just beneath
The surface.

Aimee

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The Blood

The blood that you see on my arms and, legs.
The blood that you see is the blood that's on me.
The blood that you see makes you worry and shout.
The blood that you see is the blood I let out.
The blood that you see from my arms and, legs just comes from me.
The blood that you see was that pain in me.
The blood that you see is dyed and, gone.
And the pain in me is also gone and, just began.

Cynthia Martin

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Her
if you could only knew the secrets that she hides,
for her facade is far to great to even realize
all of what is hidden inside
you only think you know her, you don't know anything
when you see her in a crowd A smile will bloom across her face,
as if all her problems are completly erased, how can you begin to think you understand?
all the tears she cries inside, only in her journal does she confide,
do you know what it is like for her to look in the mirror? to see what she sees
to see the images that haunt her everyday
but to u,to the world, her secrets are safe inside
no one knows what roams in her head
no one cares to ask what thoughts rage in her mind in bed
do you think you know what her life is really like, behind the make-up behind the smile,
behind the twinkle in her eyes
have you ever searched her soul to see how empty and black it just might be?
have you ever thought about the razor that tempts her at night?
or the bottle of pills that sits by her bed at morning light?
you think you know everything, well do you?
you think you can just say what you want all her feeling are just dismissed.
do you think those things don't burn her deep down
do you think that she is not crying inside
but no you come with your harsh words and your bittersweet satire
do you not think she can feel
do you not she does not feel destroyed each day
can u not realize that this girl is...
me

Courtney

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