The Trial
The Trial of Mssrs Jones and Martini has long been one of great debate
among legal authorities and the talk show circuit. Basically they just
wished it would go away. One talk show host, who has made a rather lucrative
living on the Simpson trial, commented that the case of the People vs
Jones and Martini was a travesty of justice as well as a waste of good
camera time. "These guys are nuts!!!", he exclaimed, "give me a drink".
Anyways for those who care, here is brief synopsis of the "Trial that
Almost Wasn't".
- The Crime
- The Surrender
- The Woman
- Slugfest Interview
- Speedy Trial set for Jones
- The Jury
- The Trial finally Starts
- Some Highlights
- The Outcome
A.P. NEW YORK: CHUCK PERSON MISSING
Chuck Person, columnist for the New York Times has disappeared according to
local authorities. He was last seen Friday night drinking in a local bar.
Sources with Mr. Person that night said he was extremely intoxicated and was
ranting about musical groups he detested. When authorities searched
Mr. Person's address they found pimento-stuffed green olives under his bed
sheets - - a sign of a hit from the Martini clan. Hadji Martini, of the
little known but heavily panned "Insignificants" could not be reached for
comment and it is said that authorities are searching for him for questioning
only at this time. Sandwich Jones of the same band was contacted by SlugFest
magazine and replied as follows: "Oh bull penis!, Jus' cuz someone leaves a
bunch of friggin' olives they start accusing Hadji. I s'pose if a bag of
wonder bread was found stuffed up Person's a--, they'd start accusing me!
...I don't know where Hadji is, I think he's on some kind of Christian
family retreat...and me I ain't been outside, it's to f---ng cold!"
AP. NEW YORK....MISSING CHUCK PERSON - BIZARRE TWIST
The case of missing Chuck Person has taken a strange turn. Firstly, early
Monday morning accused gangland musician, Hadji Martini, surrendered to
authorities. He was questioned, exonerated of any wrong doing and then
released. Monday afternoon Chuck Person walked into the New York Times.
A short time later Sanwich Jones was arrested for kidnapping and battery.
"Dis is a racist arrest!" Mr. Jones yelled as he was picked up at his home
in California, "Ah'm a black man trapped in a white man's body and Ah'm an
easy target!" As alleged events unfolded the story became bizarre.
Mr. Person claims he was abducted by Mr. Jones and an unidentified prostitute
known only as 'Dull Tooth.' He was then taken to an abandoned blues club
where he was tied up, ridiculed, forced to listen to 37 Insignificant
cassette tapes and then had a loaf of bread inserted in his rectum.
"This is f---ng insane!" Sanwich exclaimed, "First de find olives in dis
Ho-Ho's bed, then a full train of bread up his ass! Sounds like he like to
diddle himself wi' processed fruit and yeast by-products!! I will be free,
I will be free...Free the black white man, Free the black white man!!"
Sanwich remains under arrest.
New York...The mystery woman in the Chuck Person abduction case has
surrendered to authorities this morning. Dull Tooth Delaware walked into a
New York precinct today. The blonde 240 lb African American says she prefers
to be called Fat Bobbi. "Dull Tooth Delaware is mah given chris'en name but
Ah goes by Fat Bobbi, honey. And Ah ain't no pros'itu' Ah's a escort maiden!"
she addressed the press dressed in a flowery mu-mu and dew rag. "Ah ain'
never had da pleasure of meetin' Mr. Sanwich but Ah's likes his music. He
and dat Hadji cooks up some voodoo dat makes me move, auoww!" When asked
about the charges of the abduction of Chuck Person, Ms. Delaware replied,
"Don' know 'bout dat but Ah knows Chucky, well, and he a kinky baaaad
mama's boy.....uh huh!" This investigation continues.
SlugFest's Jailhouse Interview with Sanwich Jones:
SF: Well, this certainly is a familiar sight.
SJ: Yeah, well, the Lord and jail do like the persecuted.
SF: Why do you feel you're persecuted?
SJ: Ah'm a black man enslaved in a white man's body! Ah'm what you'd call a
German, Scottish African American. It's confusing at times.
SF: Obviously.
SJ: Ah also feels persecuted cuz no record company will picks us up, in fact
not a whole lotta people seem to able to stomach Hadji and me.
SF: What would you say to those unclean non-believers?
SJ: Fuck 'em if dey can't take a joke.
SF: I see....Any plans for some jailhouse tapes?
SJ: Well I can't friggin' do that very well without Hadji, can I?!
[Sanwich at this point became irrate and drooled} So he's out there
somewhere right now tryin' to get hiself arrested.
SF: Also a familiar sight.
SJ: What can I say, we think and drive alike, heh, heh, heh
[cackles and breaks into a coughing fit]
Los Angeles...The trial of the people vs. Jones in the Person abduction case
has been moved from New York to Los Angeles. Judge Lok Chin Dik, former
Viet Cong, turned nationalized U.S. citizen, turned lawyer, turned judge
will preside. The Martini family lawyer, Quizzy Martini-Royale, will defend
Sanwich Jones. In a related incident, Hadji Martini was arrested last night and
charged with malicious mischief and cruelty to animals. Mr. Martini apparently
disguised himself as a waiter in a local New York restaurant where
Chuck Person was dining. Mr. Martini allegedly delivered to Mr. Person
a plate of pimento stuffed green olives imbedded in a horses head -- an
apparent threat, traditional of his gangland family. Judge Lok Chin Dik
wants to try the Insignificants together in the same trial. "We get away
at bottom o' dis," Judge Dik was quoted. Ms. Martini-Royale has requested
an interpreter be present at all hearings for the Judge Dik. "He is more
unintelligible than a twenty dollar whore after twelve hot shots of shine."
Los Angeles....Jury selection has been completed for People vs The
Insignificants for a trial by their peers. The jury is composed of the
following:
1. Light skinned African American basketball player.
2. Prostitute.
3. Prostitute.
4., 5. A midwestern couple who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
6. White male trapped in a filipino woman's body.
7.,8.,9. Three people from a small Virginian town with different last names
but look remarkedly related.
10. White guitar salesman.
11. African American saxophone repairperson.
12. Naturalized Italian businessman.
"They speak our language," Ms. Quizzy Martini-Royale, lawyer for the
defendents, commented to the New York Times. "We are not going to play the
race card, either. In fact, I'm not sure there is a deck with a card like
that in it, anyway, ' don't need it, you'll see...I am the worst f----ng
attack bitch that ever balled in the backwoods with barristers and by the
time I'm finished with this case your Mr. Person won't be able to get a job
hawking outside a strip joint in the tenderloin districts of Sodom or
Gemorrah! My cousin and his well meaning, though odd, friend will come out
of this so sweet they could well be elected Sheriff and Mayor of L.A. county
and trade jobs every four years until 2025!"
LOS ANGELES...The Insignificants' trial had a rocky start this morning.
There was confusion and frustration among all parties. This source has
obtained court stenographer's transcripts:
Judge Lok Chin Dik: Who start?
Ms. Quizzy Martini-Royale: Why don't we lag for break.
Judge Dik: Wha'?
Prosecution: Your honor the prosecution usually starts.
Judge Dik: Wha'? No electrocution!!! No!
Ms. Martini-Royale: Maybe we should use sign language.
Sanwich Jones: Here Dik, I got yo' sign language! Dis finger means hello.
Judge Dik: Hi! [returns sign]
Prosecution: Your Honor!
Judge Dik: Hi! [signs]
Court stenographer's transcripts People vs. Insignificants March 1, 1996.
Ms. Martini-Royale: Your Honor, my clients would like to take the stand on
their own behalf.
Judge Dik: Very good, succeed.
Hadji: Huh, we will.
Ms. Martini-Royale: Your Honor, in this instance I would like to request
your approval that my clients may be allowed take their instruments to the
stand to best illustrate their plight.
Prosecution: Oh, Jesus....
Judge Dik: Heh, no swear...keep you hand shut.
Sandwich: First we'd like to thank everyone for bein' here, especially the
jury. I know the hotel de sequestered you in is a flophouse for junkies and
ho's and dat cockroach food must suck. Thank you. so what do you say, Hadji,
key of F?
Hadji: Verrrry good. Two, three, four..
Sanwich: "Some people call us the criminals....least dat's what I horyd it
said..."
Prosecution: Objection your Honor! What are they driving at?! I mean fiirst
this song starts out as "The Doctor", then "The Vet" and now
"The Criminals"?!!
Judge Dik: O'jection overwoooled you only let dem play two bars.
Prosecution: Thank God they didn't haul a piano in here!
Hadji: Oh, that's for the next tune. I see you listened to our tapes.
Sanwich: "....please come into Hadji's and my cell, make yo'self
riiiiiiiiiight at home..."
Prosecution: I need a bag.
Hadji: Heh only my friends can call me Baggy!
[the Italian business man on the jury reaches into his coat and
glares at the prosecution]
Sandwich: ".....Don't come runnin' askin' 'where's Big Louie?' when the
son-of-a-bitch hung himself up by his own white meat feet!"
Ms. Martini-Royale: Now members of the jury you can see how my clients have
been victimized! Even the prosecution within this sacred institution has
been harassing and sassing my innocent clients.
Hadji: Heh, you could make a song out of that.
Sanwich: ".....harassed and sassed our sorry asses fo' tooooo-oo-oo-oo long
now!"
Prosecution: Is there a psychiatrist in the building?
Judge Dik: Play "Catfood in Pocket!"
Sanwich: Well Dik, it has been a while.
Judge Dik: PLAY "CATFOOD IN POCKET!!!!!"
Hadji: Two, three, four..
Sanwich: ".......this is a true story...."
Prosecution: I think my appendix just burst!
Sanwich: ".....there's a mescalero apache woman there, toirn yo' into
som'thin' woirthless.."
Go Figure, The Charges were Eventually Dropped !!!
True Story.