Last night at about 8:30, SanWich Jones was found by the Philadelphia Police Department in a quaint bistro aptly named 'The P.I. Pickle(d)'. Mr. Jones, who had been missing since the Tuesday night release party of the new Insignificants' album "Bum's Rush", claimed he had been abducted by El Salvadoran Terrorists in the employ of Quebecois Separatists who were acting under the direction of disgruntled Insignificant drummer Luke Askew. It seems, according to SanWich's rantings, that Luke Askew was miffed that some of his drum tracks were being left on the cutting room floor in favour of Mr. Jones' own musical muses. Sargent Jack Mulroney of Philadelphia's finest stated that no investigation would be pending as Mr. Jones has a long history of such delusions especially when residing in the Philadelphia area. SanWich Jones was taken to the Psychiatric ward of Temple University Medical for further observation and/or interrogation. Hadji Martini, the other member of this disreputable group, has been holed up at his estate in Southern California under protection by armed Pakistani guards and would give no comment.
(Dr. Sandra Bullova): Mr. Jones do you know why you're here?
(Sanwich): Uh, I've been meaning to ask this but have avoided until now,
where's here?
(Doc): You're in a psychiatirc ward.
(S): What's your point?
(Doc): Well, wouldn't you like to know how you got here?
(S): Details always bore the shit out of me. But go on if you must.
(Doc): Well, you gave the police a long story about being abducted.
(S): Did it involve UFO's this time?
(Doc): No.
(S): Whew.
(Doc): This involved something to do with Latin American terrorists backed
by a certain member of your band that felt he had been wronged.
(S): Well it sounded like Spanish....one never knows...As far as Luke goes
though, that toothless sonofabitch was getting on Hadji's and my nerves.
Where is Hadji?
(Doc): He's at home under protection.
(S) Good, let's go see him and he'll tell you.
(Doc): You're in Philadelphia.
(S): AHHH, not again, "The City the Brothers Love!" What state's that in
anyway? Is it cold?
(Doc): No, not right now, it's summer....
(S): Good....you never know though...some of those states are cold all the
time...ful of fat people eating butter sticks and Ho-Ho's to stay warm.
You don't look fat to me, though....nice toilets!
(Doc): GUARD!
Philadelphia - Insignificant front man SanWich Jones was released this afternoon from Temple University Medical and put into the custody of the band's long time attorney Quizzy Martini-Royale after assaulting a physician at the facility's psychiatric unit. Doctor Sandra Bullova asserted that Mr. Jones harrassed her as well as most of the staff and had become utterly unmanageable even by his own standards. This recent event has been the latest of what would seem to be a cascading effect of charges and innuendos being leveled against the guitarist/singer/songwriter since the releasing of the latest Insignificant album "Bum's Rush". Upon his release, SanWich was heard to exclaim "shit, I don know what Luke's problem is, half of my songs were just used as sound bits, did you hear what they did to Mountain Folk, that shoulda been a classic!". Mr. Jones seemed to be referring to the work done by the group's latest producer Ahmad Rasheed Bernstein, who was as usual unavailable for comment. No word yet has been heard from Hadji Martini, SanWich's main collaborator, though Ms. Martini-Royale did say that he had been in contact with Mr. Jones to wish him luck and to tell him "Pyar Thum". Which loosely translated from some Urdu dialect means, "Love ya, Baby".