(last update 1/28/99)
Corny joke #1: .............................................................................Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "
Sheli: " No, what about her?"
Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."
Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?"
Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."
Corny joke #2:A senior citizen named Barney was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice . She sounded urgent as she warned him, "Barney I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," replied Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Corny joke #3:A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see.... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" replies Roger, startled.
"Don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes brimming with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" asks Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" asks Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine continues
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger."
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
Corny joke #4:After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Corny joke #5:
The Differences Between Men and WomenNICKNAMES: If Louise, Trana, Sheli and Eve go out for lunch, they will call each other Louise, Trana, Sheli and Eve. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though the tab is only for $22.50. None of them will admit to having anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of hair-caked soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 487. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things, often using coupons. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day--sometimes all week.
CATS: Women love cats. Men also say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. who will offer to help them with their laundry This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING: As for children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and young romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Corny joke #6:A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter, she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she asked St. Peter for a tour of both.
The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.
"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."
In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.
"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"
"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."
Corny joke #7:One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.
In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.
Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.
The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"
Corny joke #8:
HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GROWING OLDER
- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
- You get winded playing chess.
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
- You join a health club and don't go.
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- A fortune teller offers to read your face.
- You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
- You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
- You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".
- You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."
- You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
- You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.
- You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
- The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
- The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.
Thoughts to ponder....
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