OUR BEST SELLING BIRTHDAY CARDS
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Birthday

LD001

Recently, my gyno is the only man
who wants to see me naked

<<>>

and I have to pay him to look.

Have a Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Birthday

LD002

It's your birthday, so indulge

<<>>

You're not fat unless you stand up
and the couch comes with you.
Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Birthday

LD004

Listen Doll, you'll know it's a hot flash...

<<>>

when you wake up to scorched sheets
and the smell of your own hair burning.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD008

So what if you're a year older, Doll?
You're gorgeous, thin, brilliant,
and have fabulous taste

<<>>

But enough about you.
My turn.




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Birthday

LD009

For your birthday, let's go to the mall

<<>>

and taunt some teenagers with
our higher credit limits and
easier access to prescription painkillers.

Have a great day, Doll




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Birthday

LD013

Oh goody, we're getting older.

<<>>

If my upper arms get any looser,
I'll be able to fly.

Happy Birthday, Doll




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Birthday

LD014

Listen Doll, don't feel bad
about getting older

<<>>

Last time I took my bra off for a man
he screamed because he thought
I had four arms.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD015

Look Hon, if someone your age
looks ten years younger than you

<<>>

she's probably had so many
face-lifts she goes to the dentist
for a pelvic.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD016

When it comes to men,
you got to know when to hold them,
know when to scold them,
know when to walk away

<<>>

and know where to grab and twist
to get their full attention.

Whatever it takes to get what you
want for your birthday, Doll.




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Birthday

LD018

I used to walk

<<>>

then someone called it
exercise so I had to quit.

Don't lift a finger,
and have a great birthday, Doll!




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Birthday

LD019

Let's not even mention the joys of aging.

<<>>

My butt looks like two grapefruit in
a race to see which one hits the ground first.

Happy Birthday, Doll




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Birthday

LD024

You know the only good thing about getting older?

<<>>

Being forced to eat ice cream
so we won't snap a hip.

Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Birthday

LD028

We're not old until we
start carrying little balls
of tissue in our sleeves.

<<>>

Did you drop this?

Happy Birthday, Doll




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Birthday

LD031

I was considering a complete makeover for my birthday

<<>>

But the doctor said it would be easier
to make everyone else blind.

Have a great birthday, Doll.




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Belated Birthday

LD039

Sorry to be so forgetful, Doll.

<<>>

Last week I found my
purse in the oven and
showered with my bra on.

Happy Belated Birthday!




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Birthday

LD042

No Doll, there's nothing you
can do about getting older,

<<>>

So get that
panty-liner-stuck-to-your-crotch-hair
look off your face and have a Happy Birthday.




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Birthday

LD055

You want to know the best way
to cover gray hair?

<<>>

Cotton panties.

Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Birthday

LD058

I got collagen injections for fuller lips.

<<>>

Now I can't cross my legs.

Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Birthday - 40th/50th

LD066

Happy F___th Birthday, Doll!

<<>>

Sorry, I almost said the 'F' word.




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Birthday - Sister

LD069

You know, Sis,
you were always
'the pretty one'.

<<>>

Which forced me to be
'the gorgeous one'.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday - Him

LD073

Another year older?
You look scared.

<<>>

I like that in a man.

Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Birthday

LD074

Listen Doll, having a whip and spurs
doesn't make you 'a cowgirl'.

<<>>

It makes you
'more likely to get what you want'.

Whatever it takes to have a great birthday!




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Birthday

LD079

You know I tried a thong once.

<<>>

My gyno still can't find it.
Remember, "Comfort First"

Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Birthday

LD081

It's your birthday, Doll -
don't worry about dieting

<<>>

Unless, of course, you moon someone
and they think your airbag's gone off.

Have a great day!




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Birthday

LD083

Thank goodness they finally decided
there's global warming.

<<>>

I thought it was just me.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD084

So Doll, do you know how to tell
when your youth is over?

<<>>

Your drugs come from
Canada instead of Mexico.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD085

It's the latest in self-defense.

<<>>

'Perky Repellent'
Don't thank me,
just have a fabulous birthday.




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Birthday

LD086

You know, Doll, I used to have children.

<<>>

Oh they're not dead,
they're just so old I won't admit
I gave birth to them.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD087

I used to worry about aging gracefully.

<<>>

Now I'm just glad I haven't
been turned into glue.

Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Belated Birthday

LD089

Hold that thought, Doll.

<<>>

Sorry about that.
Sometimes Mother Nature
doesn't call, she screams.

Happy Belated Birthday




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Birthday

LD090

You know the best way to ease
the appearance of wrinkles?

<<>>

Leave your glasses on the nightstand.

Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Birthday

LD091

Oh, Hi Doll. Did you hear
my mirrors stopped working?

<<>>

Every time I looked in one
I saw my mother.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD093

I don't know why women
complain about pantyhose

<<>>

At least when your lady parts drop
they're easier to find.

Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Birthday

LD095

Oh no, Doll, I'm not here with my car,

<<>>

I'm here for my pelvic.
It's faster, cheaper, and more dignified.

Speaking of annual events -
Happy Birthday!





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Birthday

LD096

Doctors say we should
check our boobs every month

<<>>

Mine's still on the couch where I left him.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD097

No Doll, I don't have whiplash.

<<>>

I just ran out of scarves to hide my neck.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD098

Oh look, Doll - it's the
tiny purse stage of life.

<<>>

You know, that grace period
between Tampax and Depends.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD099

Oh Hi, Doll!
I'm just celebrating Opause.

<<>>

You know - Menopause without the men.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD100

I used to visit museums

<<>>

But I had to stop when
a group of kids gathered and
the guide started describing me.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD101

So Doll, know why women of
a certain age favor leopard prints?

<<>>

They distract from the age spots.

Happy Birthday!




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60th Birthday

LD107

So Doll, I heard that 60 is the new 40.

<<>>

Oh, great. Does that mean we have to
go through menopause again?

Happy 60th!




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Birthday

LD108

These days, Doll,
I just hope Spring Break . . .

<<>>

doesn't mean my hip.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD109

I wanted to bake you a cake,
buy you a gift,
and throw you a party,

<<>>

but I'd have to get out of this chair.

Happy Birthday, anyway!




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Birthday

LD112

I used to moan during sex,

<<>>

but it kept waking my husband up.

Happy Birthday, Doll!




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Birthday

LD114

Doll! Did you hear they found
what causes spontaneous combustion?

<<>>

Farting during a hot flash.

Keep a fan handy,
and have a Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD116

All my friends were doing it,
so I finally got it waxed.

<<>>

I can't believe how
nice and smooth my face is.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD117

Listen Doll, repeat after me,
"I am not old."

<<>>

Unless, of course, you used to
babysit the Walmart greeter.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD118

So Doll, I now wear one of those
little buttons for emergencies.

<<>>

I push it whenever
I need my drink refilled.

Make your wishes known - Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD120

Listen Doll, don't be afraid
to tell me I need to tweeze.

<<>>

The last time I wore red a strange kid
sat in my lap and told me
what he wanted for Christmas.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD121

You know, Doll, times have changed.

<<>>

Remember when a 'stimulus package'
was something we brought
to a bachelorette party?

Anyway, Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD122

So Doll, my doctor told me to take it easy,

<<>>

But if I go any slower pigeons sit on me.

Pace yourself, and have a Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD123

Good Grief, was that thunder?

<<>>

Or did I just stand up?

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD129

That's right, Doll -
I have a superhero tattooed on my leg.

<<>>

He's called 'Spiderveinman'.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday
LD130

I know, Doll - it appears we're
at the age to go bird-watching.

<<>>

If I want to watch things migrate south
I'll just get a strong light and a mirror.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD139

Listen Doll, at this age
I don't care about a man's size.

<<>>

I'm just happy if
my pictures are hung.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD140

Hi Doll - Ready to go shopping?

<<>>

Oh, don't worry -
this is just to shoot out
the fluorescent lights
in the dressing room.

Don't thank me,
just have a Happy Birthday!




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70th Birthday

LD142

Listen Doll, you may be 70 in actual years,

<<>>

but that's only 49 in drinking years.
Feel better now?
Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD143

Check your nails, Doll.

<<>>

It's the first place they look for DNA.

Cover your tracks,
and have a great birthday!




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Birthday

LD144

Oh Hi Doll -
it's my latest craft project

<<>>

Menopause Origami.
(Feel free to start with this card)
Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD145

Listen Doll,
my stretch marks aren't
from being pregnant -

<<>>

They're from holding in
my stomach every time I see
someone from high school.

Happy Birthday!




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Birthday

LD148

I'm impressed, Doll. Your new phone has
a camera, clock, email, vibrator and GPS.

<<>>

Oh wait - silly me! It doesn't have GPS.
Charge it up and have a great birthday!




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