The Landlady From Hell

This rant is for all those folks who do not have an absentee landlord and are forced to live above or below him or her.

I understand that not being the sole occupant of a building entails having to do things which, while inconvenience you in order to keep the peace. However, some people take this way too far. This is the story of such a person.

In December, I moved into an apartment with my sister and her husband. (You don't need to tell me how foolish a move it was I already know and I often eye the real estate section of the paper longingly. Trust me once I save up some money for real furniture and the two to three months rent needed to move into another apartment I am so out of here. But I digress.) Not being the most contentious of electricity users, I run a fan in my room at night. Now admittedly, it's not just any fan because I can't stand dealing with some wussy oscillating fan which can barely push a feather across the room. My fan is a Vornado, which is supposed to circulate air in a room. No wuss fan there believe me. Anyway, I had this fan running in my room at night. One night about three weeks or so after moving into the apartment my sister's phone rings at three a.m. My sister knocks on my door and says that the fan is making a buzzing noise that is keeping the landlady up and I need to turn it off.

She had to be shitting me. "What?" I ask.

"She wants you to turn off the fan because it's making a buzzing sound that's keeping her up."

"You've got to be kidding me!  Give me a break I've been using the fan for three weeks with no problem and now all of a sudden it's making a buzzing sound?  Please!  Forget it I'm not turning the fan off."

After much discussion, I agree to turn the fan off for an hour or so then I turn the fan back on and go about my business with no complaints.

So another couple of weeks go by when my sister's phone rings.  This time the annoying call comes in at the ungodly hour of seven a.m. It's the landlady complaining about the fan again.  Now mind you for two weeks the fan had been going every night without so much as a peep but the fan is supposedly making some buzzing noise.  So I, despite my reservations about the woman's rather dubious claims, switch to my sister's wussy oscillating fan.

Another three or so months go by, with the fan running every night, when the we get another phone call at three a.m. talking about an alleged buzzing sound.  I told my sister that I'd had it.  I was not going without the fan.  My speakers are on plastic milk crates as to not have the bass disturb her, I have nine feet of cod tangling up on things so I can listen to the sound of the television without disturbing this woman.  I've forgone the soothing sounds of my own fan and went with my sister's wussy one but I refused to go completely without the fan.  I waited an hour then went back to sleep with the fan.  There were no further complaints.

Later, my sister and the landlady had a discussion about the fan.  The woman actually had the gall to suggest we switch rooms.  When my sister told me this I thought it was some kind of joke.  What nerve!  First of all I moved into the apartment on the promise of getting the master bedroom with its miniscule ½ bath.  Second of all I already installed curtains and blinds for the two windows in my room and to have to move all that would be a problem.  Additionally, the second bedroom was too bloody small.  I can barely cram by belongings into the room I was in.  Furthermore it would be way too much trouble to move all the furniture in the two rooms.  What she asks is not only unreasonable but also impossible.  I still can't believe that she suggested it.  Needless to say the suggestion was rejected outright.

Some time after that (with the fan still going every night.)  The woman ambushed me on my way to the laundromat.  Now I tend to keep my distance from landlords.  I really don't feel the need to interact with them except to hand over the check.  I don't even have that many dealings with this woman.  One thing I can tell you off the bat is that I don't like being ambushed.  (A fact you've probably learned for yourself based on a previous rant.)  So this woman's blathering on about the fan keeping her awake even when she's wearing earplugs and how she can't function in the morning and how here teachers think she's psycho.  Meanwhile I'm thinking, 1. Your teachers aren't the only ones who think you're psycho and 2. I don't have the time or the inclination to get into an involved discussion with you on your hypersensitive hearing.

What can I say clearly this woman has some major issues and one of them is that she has tenants when she clearly can't handle the noises, which are made by other human beings.  Guess what?  Babies cry and things fall.  People watch TV and they run air conditioners and dare I say it fans.  It's impossible to find a human being who will not make some kind of noise.  (Actually there are such people but they're called corpses.)  No I’m not talking about blaring music at all hours here I'm talking about the noises of every day living.  If one cannot deal with them then I have a suggestion for you:  Buy a single family home and stay out of the rental market!