Tacky Lumberjack Art

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My friends and I keep threatening to start an online publication called TLA. Above is a suggested logo/masthead/banner/whatever. Like everything on these pages, it is copyright 2002 by me, and shall not be used or copied, except in my dreams where I get very friendly letters from Leno and Letterman thanking me for all the nice jokes.
 
So, at summit conferences, when they call the roll, do you think Bush answers, "President"?
 
New Flavor Flav Pops! The one with the little alarm clock on a string!
 
You have been assimilated into the Bjorn Borg collective. Resistance is futile.
 
Bush should have named Roberta Flack Secretary of Defense, so we can kill them softly with our song, kill them softly...
 
Further entries in book series that won't get printed
Chicken Soup for the Jailbird's Soul: The correct answer to the question, "What you in for?" is "Tax evasion, originally. But they keep adding sentences when I shank guys trying to get up my butt."
or similarly
Everything I Needed To Know I Learned In Prison, e.g., if you've dropped the soap, you're clean enough already.
 
Beck: The Transvestite Sessions: Two fake boobies and some panty hose...
 
"Bob Dole doesn't think there's anything special about green M&Ms."
 
It's not true that I lack the courage of my convictions. It's the convictions I lack.
 
I've never had irritable bowel syndrome, but I do have a pretty snarky esophagus.
 
Aren't gratuities gratuitous, and if so, can I stop leaving them?
 
"You need to draw on your inner resources"
"I always draw on my inner resources. I draw a horsie."
 
Somebody needs to tell Lynne Cheney that if she wants to do the Time Warp, she gets to take a step to the right, but it's a jump to the left.
 
Boy, I hope those terrorists don't do anything really crazy, like put all the kids in the country on Ritalin.
 
I got a new universal remote control. It controls the TV, the VCR, the stereo, the garage door, space, time, the career of the Rolling Stones, the political and economic systems of over 14 countries, and gravity. Better yet, it claps on and claps off. I'm still getting the hang of it. I bet those unemployed people in Japan are pretty pissed with me.
 
Microsoft slogans, from Windows 1.0 to Windows XP:
I hope it works!
Do you think it works?
It works! It works!
It works better than just yelling at your CPU, but not as well as a typewriter.
It works and IBM's lawyers don't.
It works. But we might have to rename it Windows August '95.
works It. (Windows Dagobah Edition)
It works well enough to excite antitrust interest.
Work! You can rest when you're 10! (Wait, that's Kathie Lee's slogan.)
It works well enough that we can shut down the government if they mess with us any more.
Melinda! I've got a great idea for a slogan: XP means X-rated porno! Melinda? Melinda?
It just works.
 
Let's review: Saints are God's friends, sort of like the Justice League of Heaven. Nuns are Jesus' wives. Jesus is God's son... Oh forget it. I'll just go out and get Catholicism for Dummies.
 
What do you call a sous-chef at a sushi restaurant?
 
Agnosticards: When you care enough to send the truth.
 
No, but I've got a lengthy list of New Year's irresolutions.
 
"You just want to arrest a Backstreet Boy!" - Nick Carter, Backstreet Boy, bawling as he is arrested after a nightclub disturbance. Apparently, they're from the back streets of Wussyville.
 
Hear about the new Chinese movie star? Chow-Yun He's-Not-Fat-He's-Just-Big-Boned.
 
From each according to his ability; to each according to his Skull and Bones membership. -- The U.S. Constitution, apparently.
 
Chicken Soup For The Crazy Person's Soul:
The voices in my head just want me to go bowling.
The voices in my head are starting a repertory company.
The voices in my head are all IDIOTS!
Don't listen to the voices in your head; they're not talking to you anyway.
Don't listen to the voices in your head; they hate you, too.
 
I'm having doubts about skepticism.
 
John Paul's Inquisitors
"Sir, you have a visitation by the Virgin Mary, an image of the Sacred Heart of Jesus embedded in the veneer in your family room, and a statue of St. Jerome in the den that is weeping blood. Now I can give you an estimate for how much it will be to clear your home of these pests..."
 
In event of Rapture, this car will be unmanned. But I think I can handle Heart of Glass.
 
I bought some extra extra extra extra virgin olive oil. No olives.
 
I turned the ringer off on my telepathy.
 
Saw a pickup with bumper stickers promoting States' Rights and the flying of the Confederate flag. With a United We Stand sticker. Ummmm, dude?
 
I learned everything I know about paleontology from Hanna-Barbera.
 
I didn't get Mad Cow Disease in England, but I did get Bad Spelling Cow Disease from Chick-fil-A.
 
Forgotten Beatitude: Blessed is Betsy Murgatroyd, for she will inherit the heavens.
 
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Some of us, however, specialize more in bitching and moaning.

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Too Much Joy

Steve Wynn

John Wesley Harding

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This has been a Tastes Like Ass Production.

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pudntane@earthlink.net

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