Personally, I think it's funnier than the fish with feet that reads, "Darwin." If you agree, send money. (Or
just buy the sticker at my online store at CafePress, by following the third link below.)
Here's more jokes:
History is very alive in the South. We were always taught about the Huguenots coming to Charleston as if it
had been somewhere around the day before yesterday. You picture a little community of baguette-clutching, black-beret-wearing
depressives outside Le Cinema Jerry-Lewis reading Le Monde and crying into their absinthe that they can't return to La Belle
France. Of course, they do have people like this in Charleston. We call them "gay."
As usual, my New Year's resolution is for this to be my only New Year's resolution.
I'm a pod person, and I vote
Do you think the cafeteria at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention does good business?
Seasonal note: If you have trouble with your breathing, want to sleep all the time, and have pains in your
pedal extremities, either you've caught the flu or you've been crucified.
My mood ring committed suicide.
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If that's how you get there, I'll be proud to go.
I'm talking to the man in the mirror/I'm asking him to change his face. -- Michael Jackson
I drive an NNV. It's a non-sport non-utility vehicle.
Once I ordered off the children's menu at a Cajun restaurant. I got blackened one fish two fish red fish blue
My fan letter to David Sedaris:
I too am a snobby, shiftless, whining, obsessive-compulsive, cowardly, anal-retentive, self-centered Southern
pansy with recurring delusions of grandeur. What advice can you give me on getting published?
High concept movie ideas:
The Cat Whisperer
Weekend at Bert and Ernie's
MacMurray! Tarentino! Pulp Flubber. In theaters everywhere.
CRUISE! CRUZ! BOOZE! DAYS OF WINE AND ROSES
North Pole Confidential
SLA Confidential (Patty Hearst II)
My Three Sons 2002 (Outing Uncle Charlie)
This Valentine's Day: The Jerry Lee Lewis Telethon, raising money to help teenage girls who need guidance,
if you know what I mean. The Jerry Lee Lewis Telethon will give a whole new meaning to "You'll Never Walk Alone."
Nichiren Buddhist cheerleaders: Say it loud! Say it's so! Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo!
I'm going to produce foul-mouthed Broadway musicals. I'll go by the name Andrew Dice Webber.
I'm so flaky that Hungry Jack named a biscuit after me.
My cleanliness and my godliness are not on speaking terms.
My favorite Gabor sister was Shemp.
The Constitution guarantees the separation of Church and State. Now if only we could pry the State loose from
the oil companies.
Why did the Anglo-Saxons have such potty mouths?
"I will be your father figure..." -- George Michael
"No, hell no, you will not!" -- Everybody else
Every time I install a new program on my computer, there's a dialog box asking if I would like to put a shortcut
on my desktop. And I always think, "Really, it's not that big a desk."
If you build a better operating system, the world will beat a path to your door. But backstabbing your partners
and sandbagging your competitors works pretty well, too.
The Houston Astros may want to rename their ballpark, Enron Field. I think Teapot Dome has a nice ring to
If there's a rock-n-roll heaven, I'm sure we'll all be very, very surprised.
FURTHER LINK EXPLICATION: Sandra E. Johnson (SC Writers Workshop colleague) has written a terrific new book
called "Standing On Holy Ground." However, her website at St. Martin's isn't up yet, so follow the link below to Amazon and
search her name or the book's title.