John M. Dantzler

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For many years, I volunteered as a writer/researcher on environmental subjects at the University of South Carolina. (Photo WFO; scanned KTV)
 
This material is copyright 2002 by me. The hounds of hell will pursue you to the ends of the Earth if you steal it. And they'll uh, lick your face, but still...
 
OK, let's get started then. I'm John, I live in SC, this stuff is supposed to be funny, and there are three additional pages that you should look at, too, linked at the (very) bottom. Here goes:
 
Better "Peanuts" endings
Charlie Brown nails the little redheaded girl.
Charlie Brown gets a restraining order from the little redheaded girl.
Cliffhanger ending: Who shot Charlie Brown?
Charlie Brown finally kicks the goddam football.
Charlie Brown, Peppermint Patty, Lucy, Schroeder, Linus and Sally move into an immense Manhattan apartment and hang out at the coffeehouse across the street.
Jonestown Kool-aid.
Violet and Patty show up and beat the crap out of Peppermint Patty and Marcie for taking their places in the strip 30 years ago.
The Great Pumpkin? Sarge from Beetle Bailey.
Having killed all the grups in their town 50 years ago, Charlie Brown and his gang take on Captain Kirk and crew. "Bonk, bonk on the head!"
Franklin goes gangsta and shoots that bitch Charlie Brown, cuz the Zig-Zag-Stripe Mob be a fat-ass East Coast crew.
CNN comes to town to report on the terrible outbreak of hydroencephaly among the town's children.
Charlie Brown goes postal.
Marcie goes postal. It's always those quiet ones who call other girls "sir."
Somebody points out to Snoopy that WWI has been over for 80 years, that we won, and that he's a DOG, so go sniff somebody's crotch or something.
Lucy and Peppermint Patty finally notice that Schroeder and Chuck are drips and embark on a tempestuous affair, 'cause the comics page NEEDS MORE LESBIANS.
 
Women aren't the only ones with penis envy. Hell, I've had that for years.
 
I tried to learn the violin by the Suzuki method, but I kept falling off the motorcycle.
 
Up to $1000 fine for throwing trash on highway. $2000 fine for white trash on highway. $3000 fine for white shoes after Labor Day.
 
Trivia: What's the national bird of Turkey?
 
The next time somebody asks if you've accepted Jesus as your personal savior, say "Heck, I haven't even accepted Drew Barrymore as one of Charlie's Angels."
 
Never act with children or animals. Especially not in porno movies.
 
"Owning something is what America is all about." -- George W. Bush. For example, the oil companies and the Presidents Bush.
 
So, do you think Jesus knew the carpenter who got the cross-building job?
 
Does your town have a high crime rate? Sell Extreme Tourism.
 
There is no such thing as inhumanity. The bad stuff is us, too.
 
If you're reading the New York Post and the Washington Times, no wonder you have everything backwards.
 
There is an actual magazine called Crappie World. I thought it was just my worldview.
 
Wasn't Kundalini a Chico Marx character?
 
My father was killed in the Clown Wars. -- Luke Wirewalker
 
Suggestions for better lyrics to Theme from The Bodyguard
I EE I EE I WILL ALWAYS ______
SNORT BLOW!
SING LOUD!
HAVE A LAME CO-STAR!
BE LESS TALENTED THAN MY MOTHER, LEGENDARY STUDIO BACKUP VOCALIST CISSY HOUSTON (OK, that's a personal opinion.)
LOVE YODELING!
SHOOT POOL! (Hey, one of these had to rhyme with the real line, more or less.)
BE IN REHAB!
RESENT THAT BITCH MARIAH!
WEAR SHOES!
REGRET NOT COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET BEFORE MARRYING BOBBY!
 
Truth is wasted on the tongue.
 
Hint: Shinola is the one that you WANT to have on your shoes.
 
I love my country, but I think we should see other people.
 
I'm starting a new self-help group: Adult Survivors of Happy Childhoods.
 
Find your bitch from prison at cellmates.com.
 
I'm tired of starting the computer in safe mode. I want to try it in dangerous mode once in a while.
 
If God made a covenant giving Israel to the Jews, why doesn't He subsidize their government and economy instead of letting the United States do it?
 
REMEMBER all material on these pages is copyright 2002-4 by John M. Dantzler, including but not limited to writing, artwork, grammar, printers' fonts, the Latin alphabet, the parts of speech, the horn of plenty, the isles of Langerhan, the photon theory of light, electrons, electronics, quarks, charmed particles, sort of charmed particles, vaguely interested particles, the entire history of human thought, and the number 3.9627. Violators will be teased mercilessly.
 
BECAUSE EARTHLINK doesn't give adequate space for describing the links on member pages, three out of my four pages require additional explanation here. This time, the first link below is to the publisher of the hiking book I wrote with John Clark. When you get there, search my name, John's, or "Hiking South Carolina."

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Buy my book

Buy Joe's book

Buy Carla's too

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READ John: 2-4 (The webpages, not the chapters)

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pudntane@earthlink.net

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