Lynda's True Southerner Page.

Now that I have been living in Houston, part of East Texas, for almost five years I have been exposed to a number of wonderful genteel southern ladies. I have met many of them at the place where I volunteer, Northwest Assistance Ministries (NAM). They are lovely people and very kind and generous. I was emailed the following in December and just love it because it's so true. Especially the "bless her heart" thing. Rebecca (originally from Mississippi), Peggie (originally from Georgia??) and Denise (originally from Louisiana) say stuff like this all the time. My time with these ladies has been enlightening and vocabulary expanding and I love it. One of my favorite phrases I've learned is used when something is driving you nuts. You would say: "Well, (whatever or whomever it is) is getting on my last nerve!" Isn't that great?

Here's that email, and remember, it's all true:

What I like about the South:

1.Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9. Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11. A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12. Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13. Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14. Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

(Note: this one is also true for Newfoundlanders)

15. True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16. True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17. Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18. When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19. Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20. And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

Now after I got that email, a few other things came my way. And seeing as they're quite fun, I thought I'd share them too. Again, in keeping with the southern theme:

This is for Southern Belles, Ladies who should have been Southern Belles, and those who would be Southern Belles if they knew the rules.

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway."

Or, "Bless her heart, she's so buck-toothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence." There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's amazing that even though she had that baby 7 months after they were married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds." As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that bad.

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you believe it?" said her friend. "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss.."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

The ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech. We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not "swear", but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't.

And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed. I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, sometimes they don't even know where "over yonder" is or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: take a dose of sausage gravy 'n' grits and call me in the morning, bless your heart! And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on Southernese as a second language!

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
-Drinking straight out of a can.
-Not sending thank you notes.
-Velvet after February.
-White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.

Southern girls appreciate their natural assets:
-Dewy skin.
-A winning smile.
-That unforgettable, Southern drawl.

Southern girls know their manners:
- "Yes, ma'am."
- "Yes, sir."

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
-“Y'all come back!"
-“Well, bless your heart."
-“Drop by when you can."
-"How's your mother?"
-"Love your hair."
-"Well, shut my mouth."

Southern girls don't sweat...they glisten.

Southern girls know their summer weather report:
-Humidity
-Humidity
-Humidity

Southern girls know their three R's!:
-Rich
-Richer
-Richest

Southern girls know their vacation spots:
-The Beach
-The Beach
-The Beach

Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August:
-Summer tans
-Wide brimmed hats
-Mint juleps

Southern girls know everybody's first name:
-Honey
-Darlin'
-Sugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
-"Gone With the Wind"
-"Fried Green Tomatoes"
-"Driving Miss Daisy"
-"Steel Magnolias"

Southern girls know their country breakfasts:
*Red-eye gravy (or thick white gravy, or chocolate gravy for the die-hards.)
*GRITS
*Mouth-watering homemade biscuits

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
-Alanna (Atlanta as outsiders say, lol)
-Richmon
-Charlestin
-S'vannah
-Birminham
-Nawlins'
-OH! That city in Alabama? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen:
-Men in uniform.
-Men in tuxedos.
-..and Rhett Butler, of course.

Y'all know Southern girls are quick on the drawl.

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
-The Mall
-The Beauty Salon
-The Ranch with the longest stretch of river bottom

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
-Bad hair
-Bad manners
-Bad blind dates

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fo'evah!

G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!

Now you run along, Sugah, and send this to some other Girls Raised In The South, i.e., Southern Belles, or any females aspiring to be GRITS, bless their hearts.

If you are from the northern states and are planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

·       The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
·       The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
·       The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
·       The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
·       The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
·       The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
·       The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
·       The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
·       The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
·       The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic, four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way, this is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....
Do not buy any food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should immediately move aside and stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not, you just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.