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Poetry by Safe Room Members
Some of these poems may trigger so please make sure your in a safe place before reading.

I will rise
   from the ashes
        of myself
             as many times as 
                        it takes
                             and i will be free
                                     april 1999
                              S. Kelley Harrell

My Sister

She was the recipient of my abuse
I never really knew if she knew the truth.
I know the answer to that question now.
We were in it together, but I never knew exactly how.
She stood back, watched and listened.
Its funny how, she knew as a small child that, I  was resisting.
She took the pain away from me and then… I was free!
She was there, when I needed her.
I never knew that SHE in the end, would be
my only true friend.
Tell me why, Oh, tell me why,
this little girl so quiet and shy
Would be the only one who looked into my eyes.
She would be the one who stopped my cries!
Our whole family was there but no one else seemed to care.
She took my pain she knew that when it came to me he was insane!
He turned to her and, she accepted
I ran without the torch for the first time.
Freedom! Freedom! …Will be mine!
She stood alone and waved… good bye
I didn't even stop to see...that she was cryin
I know now that she was strong and was helping me to carry on.
She took my abuse and made it hers and don't you see?
She never even blamed me.
Oh where, Oh where could those girly days have went? When two sisters
should have been playing but really had never even met.
We are adults now, or are we?
There are still so many things we need.
Two sisters come together with the same chain.
It links us back together to those unforgotten days and, for us those
times will never change.
 Except that...knowingly, we now stand together in our unforgettable lives
I try to help her and she with me and most of the time we hear each
other's plea.
I still will never forget the time that she was the one who was strong
and saved me!
For that, I will never let her be alone and I will always be forever
strong.
Even though I owe her a child's life. She will be happy knowing that I
am  helping her to stay alive. Alive until, together we see our light and
we can sleep through the night.
This is dedicated to my sister Barbara
Barbara, I love you and I will always be here for you.

untitled

When I was younger
I knew what it felt like
to be shattered

I don't know why I knew
But I did
Shattered was a part of me

I knew shatttered from the 1st time
   we met
I never knew love
I just knew shattered

People fall in love
People break each others hearts
People are shattered

I never knew love
I never broke any hearts
But I was shattered

How can that be?
All I know is
Shattered is a part of me

Leah H. 1999
 

untitled

...Those who try the hardest to please, usually have the most to hide...
Leah H.  1999

untitled

I know there's a god
I know he loves people
I know we should pray
But I can't

I know he forgives
But not me
I know he cares
But how could he?

I am on the outside looking in
On all the people and their sin
But mine is worse
And he know its true

My soul is gone
I've known since I was five
That others would remain alive

But as for me 
and my tainted soul
There is no light, no reason, no goal

Leah H. 1999

"Help Me - I'm Drowning"

Help me.  I feel like I'm drowning
In a sea of emptiness.
Throw me a lifeline - something - anything
That will prevent me drowning.

Help me.  I feel like I've gone ten rounds
With Mohammed Ali
And come off the worst
Throw me a lifeline - something - anything
That will prevent me bleeding to death.

Help me.  Death sounds a great prospect
After being through what I've been through
She's gone - forever and ever
Throw me a lifeline - something - anything
To prevent me carrying out half-empty threats.

Help me.  The nightmares haunt me
Day and night.  At home at school.
Throw me a lifeline - something - anything
Before I lose myself in this horror.
by__parkhead princess

feral
 

i remember free-falling
a spirit leaf
fallen from a goddess tree

falling into flesh and bone

into a cradle
in your house

although the soul
moves freely between
the lines
coloring inside and out

leaving blurry edges
in the trappings of skin

and while the spirit is strong
it’s the body that counts here
a filter for experience
like water through coffee grounds

producing something we hope
we can lift to our lips
and savor
sumptuous and sweet

i remember looking up out of that cradle at you

and i remember quaking in this body as i did it

trapped

the memory fled
along with any taste of that
elixir

and i learned to walk the night

to eek out of my pores
into awe
and feeling

once again 
floated
on the breeze
of all that is

yet tangled in that silver cord
the binds me
to me

and i began to miss it
my body me

the smell of sunshine
browning grass
the tingling
in the arms after a hug
 

these things
don’t grow on goddess trees
 

no matter the peace
in her branches
 

choosing

i became the vine
wrapping her trunk

inside my lines
and out
the wild of this life
washing ripe
and gamey
over me

no more falling
but gliding
willfully
free
as i was
before i ever knew you

i wander
and return
as i please

free
13 may 99
S. Kelley Harrell

 

marshall law
 

if you enter here
you waive your rights
back of the line with your
trembling
lips and your reasonable adjustment
there is a war going on here
and if you don't watch i'll
take you with
i'll take you down if i
have to
this isn't tea this
isn't school
this is my life and you need
to just stay the fuck back.

that mighty warrior caellaigh
illuminated shadow whose
robes of naked survival i have worn
and she wore my
name
circling my campfire
when finally i looked upon
her face
the eyes of a mischievous child
greeted me
defender
protector
toy soldier in a yellow frock
and tennis shoes
when i held her
she apologized
but i thanked her
and 
for once i am not
proud
of who i became
finally
i am shamed.
8 oct 1998
S. Kelley Harrell

I really wanted to face it 
but no matter how I tried
I turned my head in shame
and found a place to hide

Today he told me not to cry
and took me under his arm
he told me that he'd comfort me
and keep me safe from harm.

And even tho my life still has shadows
he told me I could still sing
because the shadows that I see
are from the safety of his wing.

My life is different for me now 
and I can release the pain
for I have found my reason
to survive without the shame.

My guardian angel watches
and protects me with his love
when he sees danger coming
he calls upon the Master from above.

He shows me my dark blanket
that's oh so very old
but now I see him weaving
with strands of brightest gold.
 

From the heart of SilencedAngel
 
 

Survivors

Survivors I have found out are not alone
They are people who fight to be strong. 
On the outside they appear to be strong
On the inside they wonder what's wrong.
Survivors have to learn to love themselves
And fight to believe in themselves.
Surviving is a constant struggle
To keep you're life in a little bubble.
They live their life ready to bust
But it is really hard to trust.
Survivors Are people who fight to live long
And really struggle to be strong.
One day you want to die
And the next you want to strive.
Survivors live in a state of confusion
Never knowing what we are doing.
But we are a caring bunch
Always looking for someone's hart to touch.
Survivors never know which way they are going
But watch out, we are still growing.

Kim  May 1999

  

You fight back sleep hoping night will never come
You close your eyes wishing sweet dreams will come
The dreams you dream are not sweet at all
The dreams you dream are nightmares to all

All quite now may catch up on my sleep
You listen carefully to make sure he is asleep
I close my eyes to rest for awhile
In hopes he will stay in exile

Then all of a sudden the door opens with care
Oh boy I am really scared
He walks over and turns down the covers
Oh how I wish I could hover

He lifts up my shirt and takes down my pants
Oh boy I wish this would pass
I lay here pretending to be asleep hoping he would go away
Instead he begins to have his way

First comes one hand and then the next
He places my hand on a small little neck
I hold back the tears as he begins to roam
Up and down my hand is forced to go

His hand begins to roam from head to toe
Oh no! My tears are ready to go
But I can't then he'll know I'm awake
My body begins to shake

Oh god I wish this would stop
My tears are ready to pop
I can't cry, I can't cry
Oh know, they are trying

Oh have no fear 
It's my Silent tear
Kim May 1999

 
The wall
 

The wall, it gets to be so tall
That it suffocates us all
The wall was built brick by brick
To help us keep out the pricks
To help us hide from the pain
And try to keep us sane
We lock up our emotions
And just go though the motions
We all feel like we're the only one
In this lonely little pond
The wall can keep you safe
In the right time and place
But the wall needs to come down
When it starts to bring you down
Slowly, though
So your mind don't blow
Life outside that wall
Is different for all
Brick by brick
You can get rid of the pricks
And life outside the wall
Can be safe for us all.

Kim
June 27,1999

                              Day The Angels Cried 

                                                The other day the angels cried 
                                           And flooded Earth with their angelic tears 
                                             Tears that could never again  be dried 
                                             Their cries finally fell into God’s ears 
                                            When a child is injured by a violent hand 
                                           And is stripped of every basic human right 
                                                    Heaven’s angelic clan 
                                         Witness in horror at such a cruel, violent sight; 
                                                  God made the little children 
                                                  To enhance Earth’s beauty 
                                              Like tiny seeds that in God’s garden 
                                                Grow with the Creator’s Love; 
                                                The other day a child was hurt 
                                                By a cruel  and cowardly deed 
                                                  That made her feel like dirt 
                                             When a child is injured in such a way 
                                                    It makes her soul bleed 
                                                 And tears her world in twain; 
                                             When a child suffers this awful crime 
                                                  She spends her life in pain
                                                    Oh this afwul offense 
                                                 Leaves a cruel scar of shame 
                                                That leaves an everlasting stain 
                                           and stains forever the fabric of innocence 
                                                 God in his Sovereign Throne 
                                                Condemns such acts of violence 
                                                 And does frown 
                                              Upon this ghastly unpardonable sin 
                                               Against His most precious children 
                                                The other day the angels cried 
                                         And all of heaven’s citizens suffered with them 
                                         A tiny heart full  of  pain and inconsolable  grief 
                                                  Sent her pleas heavenward 
                                              And prayed with a tremendous will 
                                                  That she could quickly heal 
                                             And not carry this unbearable burden
                                         in this godforsaken world 
                                                       Year after year 
                                                    Alone with her ordeal 

                                          MG Teddy  ©1998

HANDLE ME WITH CARE
by A Survivor

I know you haven't been where I have been.
Sometimes, you don't understand me.
The flashbacks can overshadow me.
It's so hard for me to be.

Sometimes, there's just too much sorrow.
It seems, I am more fragile than you.
It's so hard for you to know what I'm feeling.
The memories of abuse - that's all I knew.

Please treat me with respect all the time.
Please handle me with care, in a kind way.
Please don't reject me and please don't leave me.
I know you don't understand when I have a bad day.

If you could just say, I understand.
My childhood has left me, and it has gone who knows where?
Yet, I realize you know where I've been.
Please handle me with care.

   "FEELINGS"
   So many mixed feelings inside of me
   it's dark in here I just cant see,
   Sometimes I just sit and stare
   in my eyes there is such a glare.
   Oh how I have learned not to trust
   So Long ago God,now I really Must,
   I learned to hide the hurt and just be numb
   Let me understand please just some.
   They say it's healthy how I've numbed out
   but why is it I have some doubt,
   Sometimes I sit and cry and cry
   at times I cant cry and I dont know why.
   Sometimes I feel so heavy and sad inside
   at times I feel nothing but how hard I try,
   Sometimes I have so many word in there inside
   I want to talk but,the word wont come outside.
   I feel like I'm different from everyone else
   almost like a broken doll sitting upon a shelf,
   Like I'm damaged and sometings wrong with me
   people can see it so plain when they look at me.
   I never really felt like I fit in anywhere 
   maybe that's why I felt people always stared,
   Inside I wanted people to care about me
   wanted to be cared for and accepted you see.
   I was a little girl when they all hurt me so 
   all I wanted was them to leave and just go,
   Now I'm all grown up and here I am
   just surviving healing and doing all I can.
   Please don't ignore me and push me away
   I only want to be accepted as I am, I pray,
  I am Not Flawed won't you please see 
   I didn't hurt anyone it wasn't me....
   I know I can Love,Trust again and feel
   I am here and I really do want to heal,
   I am taking things one new day at a time
   Thats all Gods given me and all that is mine.
   "Gmaw"10-4-99 
   I have grown alot in the past few years 
   through the work of healing and the tears
 

SURVIVING

Where did that little girl go?
Did that little girl ever exist?
 Or was she inside her protective shell
 somewhere within herself hiding,
 too afraid of the world to emerge?
 Where did that little girl go?
 Did that little girl ever exist?
 Or was she locked in a foetal position
 somewhere within her mind,
 to avoid the darkness of reality?
 Where did that little girl go?
 Did that little girl ever exist?
 Or did she drown in her silent tears,
 alone in her mind as always,
 to escape the shadows of existence?
 Where are you little girl, you are somewhere.
 You have to be somewhere, I know.
 Don't hide any more, come be with me now.
 We will laugh, we will love, we will grow
 and together as one, we'll become whole.
     Zellie

 

Cut along the dotted line
I wish I could
but I'm to scared
don't you see me
there's so much we've shared.
I sit alone
no lights on
you're at work
and everyone's gone.
A thought repeating in my mind,
"cut along the dotted line."
A simple cut
a small incision
one last thought
a big decision
do I cut or do I flee
the razor's sharp
it speaks to me
A thought repeating in my mind,
"Just cut along the dotted line."
Why do I hurt
why can't I feel
which way is love
and what kind is real?
Will someone love me
or am I alone
it's my decision no one is home
A thought repeating in my mind
"Damnit cut along the dotted line!!"
The knife so shiny
it cuts so deep
I cut my way up
my arm so steep
It's almost there now
I'm almost through
there they are,
the veins that are blue
A thought repeating in my mind,
"I can't cut along the dotted line."
I turn my arm over
cut up and along
think happy thoughts,
pictures and songs.
I don't even feel it
I don't really care
I really need you
but you are not there
A thought repeating in my mind,
"I wish I could cut that dotted line."
MAC 11:24 p.m. 9/21/99

The Worst

There are scars that I cannot hide
And in others I can't confide
Can't tell another of my pain
It's driving me insane.
It hurts so bad
But feels so good
You say that you forgive me
And I wish you would.
Can't sort out the feelings,
Can't get any thing straight
Filled with love
When I should be with hate.
Different emotions
I cannot conceal
Yet I must
I don't know if they're real.
Don't know who to talk to
And who to avoid
Can't feel quite right
And I can't fill the void.
Don't know what's happening
in some kind of strange space
Happiness, loneliness, rage
All lost in this place.
No one believes me
And no one cares
My problems are mine,
And theirs are theirs.
I am feeling SO empty
I feel I may burst
And the most surprising
Is that isn't the worst.
The worst is not knowing
Where you've been, what you've done
Not knowing who you've been out with,
If you were tortured or had fun.
The worst is the bleeding,
As it runs down your arm,
The worst is the feeling
That you've caused yourself harm.
The worst is not feeling,
But when you do
No knowing if it's made up
Or if it is true.
The worst is the disbelief,
The stares of your peers
They all laugh at you
They laugh at your fears.
The worst is not notting.
The worst is the can'ts
The worst is the fear
And the death
And the smell of your blood
And the humiliation
And the hurting
And did I mention the fear
How it grips you
How it holds you
And it rapes you
As it tells you
IT WILL NEVER LET YOU GO
MAC 3:03 p.m. September 18, 1999
 

I AM THE SURVIVOR
He poised as my friend
for eight long years
he made me laugh and smile
calmed my fears and dried tears.
I went to his house
played Nintendo or watched TV
but that's not what he was doing,
he was watching me.
Through all my break-ups,
he always seemed to care
he held my hand,
and with his he combed my hair
I knew how he felt,
he wanted more than a friend
but how could I know,
his obsession had no end?
AND JUST SO HE KNOWS
FOR A WHILE I WASN'T ALIVE
BUT I WANT HIM TO HEAR ME SAY,
KISS OFF...I SURVIVED!!!
He came to church with me
prayed like a good little boy
all the while thinking of
how he could use me as his toy
He'd call me
and we'd talk for hours
we'd hang up
he went and took cold showers.
And then August second, 1997
he invited me over.
he reviewed his plan,
held his four-leaf clover
When I got there I was upset,
he told me it would be ok
in an intimate moment I kissed him
wanted to leave, but he made me stay.
AND JUST SO HE KNOWS,
FOR A WHILE I WASN'T ALIVE
HE MAY HAVE STRIPPED ME OF MY PRIDE
BUT IN THE END I SURVIVED
I went to his room
I looked up as he locked the door
I panicked and I ran
and he knocked me to the floor
And then he RAPED me,
and took all my self-worth
I felt like such slime,
under that pile of dirt.
My mind rushed
I lost track of time
I remember every word
and how he made the fault mine.
I walked back home
my lip bloody, shirt torn
I wished I were dead,
either that or never born.
SO I MAY HAVE LOST THAT DAY
AND FOR A WHILE I WASN'T ALIVE.
BUT NOW I HAVE WON,
BECAUSE I SURVIVED.
SO HE BEAT ME
IT DOES NOT MEAN I AM BEATEN
HE HAS TO LIVE WITH WHAT HE DID
SO I'M THE SURVIVOR
AND HE IS MY VICTIM
MAC 4:23 p.m. 8/2/97

Flick the switch.

I wish I could convey to you, how bad I feel inside
How lost and lonely life's become, when everything just died
You flicked the switch to darkness, my innocence was gone
This set the wheels in motion, the journey would be long
You shattered my existence, and broke my childhood dreams
And did it without a care in the world, atleast that's how it seems
So how long did you hate me?, before you let me know
Before you took to beating me and silencing me with a blow
But that wasn't all you wanted, no! you wanted me as well
To use and abuse for your desires, and hold me in your spell
You told your friends of what you did, and laughed as you spoke
Don't you wonder what they thought of you, You poor pathetic joke
For all these years I wanted to believe, that you were a victim too
But that's no longer possible, I know the venom that was "you"
I held my silence for way to long, now it's finally time to speak
And if no one believes me, Its ok, I will turn the other cheek
I'm no longer the weak little sister, who tried to stand and fight
I no longer fear anything about you, as I finally saw the light
I don't care if you admit to this or deny it and call me insane
If it keeps your kids safe tonight, then it was worth all this pain.
Silentwhispa Sept99

 
Yes I'm talking to you!!

Hello, are you listening, do you know what you did
Can you hear what I'm saying, I was just a kid
Why did you do it, didn't you think it would damage
Or were you to busy getting off to worry about baggage
You told me I was to sensual,  "yeah, its called INNOCENCE"
You told me it was to teach me, "you've no COMMONSENSE"
So if it was so above board, why was mum never home
Why did you keep it a secret and disconnect the phone
You ruined those years and I can never get them back
I suffer the results now, and I hate you for that
Did you give it one thought how it would effect my life
Or just think it was necessary, to make me a good wife
Well you did screw up my life, you ignorant man
Then tell me it wasn't bad when the shit hits the fan
If you'd left me alone, I would have figured life out
But I trusted you, I mean, dad, that's what it's about
Do you honestly believe you were doing the right thing
Can you sleep at night?  do you feel guilty or ANYTHING
I can never forgive you for what happened back then
But I'm forced to act happy and act like your friend
You betrayed all my trust, with your selfish needs
And stood by while big brother did HIS horrid deeds
You tell me you asked him, he said, "he did nothing"
Funny how you believe him, kinda tells me something
But then I guess, all your women, were just friends too.  Right?
I feel very sorry for mum, She wasn't strong enough to fight
You think I'm indulgent, dwelling on this and being in therapy
Saying I had a good life, with no reason for being unhappy
Well guess what? You helped cause my life to fall apart
Your only job was to protect me, not break my heart
I would have done anything for you, I was your kid,
So Take responsibility for this and OWN what you did.

By Silentwhispa (copyright July99)

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