A farcical piece containing much mirth, amusement, and occasional sword fighting, designed to tintilate your humerus...er - humorous side!

Written and copyrighted by R. Wise and M. Wise
With liberal borrowings from "The Lord of the Rings", "Pirates of Penzance", "Star Wars", "Star Trek",
     and of course, "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl"! ! !
Original artwork copyrighted by Fern Bailey, of Fern Tree Graphics

(One foggy day a ship comes upon a boy drifting in the ocean.)

Elizabeth (as a little girl) :
Look! There's a boy! There's a boy in the waaata.
There's a boy! There's a boy in the waaaaaata. Waaaaaaaataa. Waaaaaaaattttaaaa

Captain Norrington:
He looks a little deformed! His ears are seriously elongated! He must've gotten them caught
in a Chinese mechanical rice-picker!

Elizabeth:
It's a boy, no...it's a hobbit! There's a hobbit in the waaata!

Mr. Gibbs:
It's bad luck to have a hobbit on board - even a min-ee-ature one!

(They bring the hobbit aboard. Elizabeth takes care of him.)

Elizabeth:
My name is Elizabeth. What's yours?

Hobbit:
My name is Frodo Turner. Uuuuggghhh... (he collapses and falls unconscious.)

(Elizabeth pulls on a chain around his neck and discovers a golden ring hanging there. She hides it and keeps it!)

Elizabeth:
My pressscioussss...

Cut to:
8 years later. We are now in Shire Royal, a quaint little port town in the Caribbean (yeah, that's where the name of the movie came from!). Elizabeth is grown up. Frodo is still short. But he's a heck of a blacksmith. Frodo comes to her house to give her father, the Governor, a sword to be given to soon-to-be-Commodore Norrington at his promotion ceremony.

Governor:
Cool sword. But why does it glow blue?

Frodo:
That means a pirate is near! If you're lucky, you might see it!

Elizabeth:
Let's go to the promotion ceremony. Maybe some pirates will show up and make it exciting!

Frodo (quietly, as Elizabeth and the Governor leave) :
Goodbye, my precious...Elizabeth...

Cut to:
The ceremony. Norrington is now a Commodore.

Commodore Norrington:
I am the very model of a modern pompous Commodore,
I've information nautical, latitude, and pompadour,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the wigs historical
From Washington's to Jefferson's, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters navigational,
I understand sextants, both the simple and complicational,
About relative bearing I'm teeming with a lot o' stuff,
With many cheerful facts about figuring the azimuth!

Soldiers:
With many cheerful facts about figuring the azimuth!

Commodore Norrington:
I'm very good at half-hitches and fisherman's bend roping knots;
I know the scientific names of all the fishes in the oceanous;
In short, in matters nautical, latitude, and pompadour,
I am the very model of a modern pompous Commodore!

Cut to:
Norrington and Elizabeth standing on the top of the fort that overlooks Shire Royal.

Norrington:
Elizabeth, forgive me for being pompous, but I'm sure you want to marry me since I'm such a great soldier, I'm tall, and I have a great wig.

Elizabeth:
Actually, I was really hoping to marry a pirate...they're so fascinating!

Norrington:
Well...I do have a cool sword that glows blue...

Elizabeth:
Hmmm, maybe...but in the meantime, you don't mind if I fall into the water and see if a pirate shows up to rescue me, do you?

(Elizabeth falls into the water and makes a big splash...)

Cut to:
(A moment ago, when a pirate named Gandalf Sparrow floated into port on a small sinking sailboat.
He deftly steps onto the dock as his boat crashes into it.)

Gandalf Sparrow:
Arrr...There be something wrong here! (Besides me crashing into the dock.) There be a disturbance in the Force...uhh, I mean, Arrr...I can feel the presence of the evil Lord Sauron. I must away!

(Suddenly, Elizabeth streaks down out of the sky and splashes into the water nearby!)

Gandalf Sparrow:
There's a girl! There's a girl in the waaaataaaa...It's a sign from above! I guess I'll be saving her!
(He jumps into the water and drags her onto the dock. He notices the chain and ring around her neck and reaches out to take it!) Do you know what this is? Did Frodo give this to you?

Elizabeth:
It's mine, all mine - my pressssciousss! (She clasps it greedily.)

(By this time, Commodore Norrington and many soldiers have arrived.)

Commodore Norrington:
On your feet, you non-wigged scallywag!

Elizabeth:
He saved my life! Don't hurt him too badly!

(Commodore Norrington grabs Gandalf Sparrow's arm and pushes up the sleeve, to reveal a brand of a giant "PW".)

Commodore Norrington:
Ah-ha! You are a pirate wizard! You must be the famous Gandalf Sparrow I've heard about!

Gandalf Sparrow(modestly) :
Well, yes, of course, I mean, really, you're making me blush...

Elizabeth (looking disappointed):
You mean this is a pirate? But he's so dirty and his breath could topple a cow! Not to mention he's got a rats-nest for a hair-do! And here I thought they were good-looking and debonair!

Gandalf Sparrow(looking hurt):
But I made the cover of "People" magazine!

Commodore Norrington:
Take him away! He'll hang come morning!

Gandalf Sparrow:
Aren't you being a little hasty? After all, I just got here! (He grabs a conveniently dangling rope and leaps to safety after many flying bullets whiz all around his body!) I knew those wizard lessons would pay off someday!

Cut to:
The Blacksmith Shop where Frodo works. Gandalf Sparrow slips in to escape from the soldiers.
But then Frodo enters!

Frodo:
I sense something is out of place. It's not my drunken boss. It's not my ancient maps of The Shire. It's not my - Wait! I smell a pirate! I knew that sword wasn't wrong!

Gandalf Sparrow (leaping out) :
Shiver me timbers! It's my old friend, Frodo Turner!

Frodo:
Gandalf! I knew you'd be back someday!

Gandalf Sparrow:
Aye, matey. I was...detained...by many women who kept slapping me!
But I have a very important question for you! Is it secret? Is it safe?

Frodo:
That's two questions. But no, The Ring has fallen into the sea. I know not where.

Gandalf Sparrow:
I think I know. That girl in town, the one with the corset (don't ask), has it!
We must get it back before Lord Sauron sends his evil pirate orcs after it!

(Just then, they hear a commotion outside. The evil pirate orcs are ransacking the town!
They both watch in horror as the evil pirate orcs carry Elizabeth off to their ship, the Black Doom!)

Gandalf Sparrow:
Arrrrr...It's too late! We must be after them!

(Gandalf and Frodo steal a ship, find a crew, and sail to Isle de Mordor, secret hiding place of the Black Doom! They sneak into the evil pirate orcs' cave and evesdrop.)

Sauron Barbossa:
Once again, The One Ring To Rule Them All is mine! Thanks to my matie, Elizabeth Gollum!

Frodo (whispering to Gandalf) :
I knew she had a foul odor! (Though not as bad as yours, my old friend...) She's the creature my father, Bilbo Bootstraps, warned me about! He said Gollum was searching for The One Ring to give to her master, Sauron Barbossa!

Gandalf Sparrow:
Hey, quit your gripin'. At least she didn't slap you! Now let's go get The One Ring and destroy it!

(Gandalf and Frodo jump out from their hiding place.)

Frodo:
Avast! (Everyone freezes.) Hand over that ring!

Sauron Barbossa (giving a hearty laugh) :
You will never get back The One Ring! I have long awaited its return so I can remove its curse upon me! I haven't been able to eat apples or enjoy the spray of the sea on my face without it! I've had to keep these stinky pirate orcs around me, also, so they will help me find it! Now that I have it again, I'm going to retire to a picturesque Caribbean island and bask in the sun. Can you recommend any?

Gandalf Sparrow:
As a matter of fact, I do know of a pretty little island - very quiet with a secret stash of rum. I think you'll like it...

Frodo Turner:
Hey! We're here to destroy The Ring, savvy?

Gandalf Sparrow:
That's MY word, savvy? But you're right! That Ring has brought misery to enough people! Hand it over!

Sauron Barbossa:
Never!

Gandalf Sparrow:
Then we shall have to have a dramatic sword fight to decide its fate! (He brandishes his sword at Barbossa, who also pulls out his sword. A dramatic sword fight ensues! The pirate orcs disperse, afraid of getting hurt.)

Elizabeth Gollum (to herself) :
Ooohhh, I never should have brought The Ring here! I could have kept it for myself! Now it may fall into the hands of that wretched wizard and his protégé! Wait! If I make friends with them, maybe they will keep me near The Ring so I can steal it again!

(While Gandalf Sparrow and Sauron Barbossa are battling, Elizabeth sidles over to where Frodo Turner watches.)

Elizabeth Gollum:
Hey, there, big boy...I mean...small hobbit. What's a handsome fella like you doing in a cave like this?

Frodo Turner:
I thought I was too short for you! And I heard you were going to marry Commodore Norrington!

Elizabeth Gollum:
That's just a nasty rumor. I would really like to marry you now!

Frodo Turner:
Really? Ah, gee, that would be swell!

(Suddenly, at that moment, Gandalf Sparrow pulls out a magic wand and waves it at Sauron Barbossa, turning him to stone!)

Gandalf Sparrow:
I've been saving that wand just for you, Sauron Barbossa! (He reaches over and snatches The One Ring off of Sauron's hand.) Now I have The Ring and will destroy it!

Frodo Turner:
Wait! My father, Bilbo Bootstraps, gave me That Ring when I was but a boy. I would like to keep it for old time's sake!

Elizabeth Gollum:
What a wonderful idea! I just love a sentimental man - I mean, hobbit!

Gandalf Sparrow:
Do you think that's a good idea? It's only brought misery to those who have owned it.

Frodo Turner:
Now that Sauron Barbossa is dead, who else could want it? I will keep it in a safe place somewhere. Elizabeth Gollum and I will keep good care of it!

(Elizabeth smiles and rubs her hands together...)

Gandalf Sparrow:
Arrrrr...well, okay. I'll stop in from time to time to check on you. Now that Sauron Barbossa is dead, I'll take over his ship, the Black Doom, and sail the seven seas looking for a woman who won't slap me. It may take the rest of my life, but I love the sea! After all, I am the Pirate Wizard! (He tosses The One Ring To Rule Them All to Frodo and marches out of the cave, saying...)

Oh, better far to live as a knave
Under the magic wand I wave,
Than play a non-creative part
While the Disney executives pull out my heart.
Away to the hobbit-shire world go you,
Where wizards are all who wear a shoe.
But I'll be true to the spell I fizzered
And live and die a Pirate Wizard!
        For I am a Pirate Wizard!
And it is, is great, if you should have me quizzered
To be a Pirate Wizard!
        For I am a Pirate Wizard!

Elizabeth and Frodo (together) :
Hurrah for the Pirate Wizard!

Cut to:
Gandalf Sparrow sailing off on the Black Doom, hair blowing in the breeze, looking out into the horizon. We hear him singing...

Gandalf Sparrow:
Da da da da da da, da da da da da...and really bad eggs...drink up, me 'obbits, yo ho!

THE END...
THE ONE END TO RULE THEM ALL!