Gibbons: "Good afternoon Dr. DeHonker.  It is indeed an honor to meet you, sir."

DeHonker: "Yes, I've been looking forward to meeting you also."

Gibbons: "You have recently been featured in "Nose Magazine" as Olfactory Man of the Year.   How did that feel?"

DeHonker: "Of course it was a great honor to be recognized by ones peers as the leading nose of the year.  It is also a great responsibility and one tries to remain humble and not look down one's nose at others."

Gibbons: "Much of your recognition has come because of your pioneering work in philiolfactory here at the King Phil Oflactory Institute hasn't it?"

DeHonker: "Yes Scott, Amazingly King Phil in his infinite foresight had established a grant for such studies, anticipating the day when stamps would begin to fragress."

Gibbons: "Fragress?   I am unfamiliar with that term doctor."

DeHonker: "Sorry Scott, a bit of shop talk there.  A new term we have coined to mark that point at which a newly minted "smell" stamp begins to issue fragrance to the olfactory receptor neurone."

Gibbons: "I see....."  "Has your preliminary research yielded any surprises?"

DeHonker: "There have been a few areas of research that are proving interesting, but we are in early days here Scott.  I can say that there is no doubt of the pervasive postal nasal abuse of these new stamps"

DeHonker: "We have documented hundreds of cases thus far, mostly among the young, of stamp sniffing.  The stamps are put into paper bags and snorted by these poor creatures."

Gibbons: "Yes, I think I saw some of them on the side of the road on my way in from the airport.  This must be very disturbing Doctor?"

DeHonker: "Yes Scott, they sometimes add solvents to enhance the experience. If you've ever seen a person with SAGISS it is not a pretty site."

Gibbons: "Exactly what is SAGISS?"

DeHonker: "Sorry again for the technical terms Scott.  It stands for Self Adhesive Gum Impacted Sinus Syndrome."

DeHonker: "As chairman of NOPE I am trying to get legislation passed to ban the sale of smelly stamps to minors."

Gibbons: "NOPE, Doctor?"

DeHonker: "Yes Scott, the National Olfactory Protection Enterprise."  Our motto is when someone offers you a smelly stamp  -  just say NOPE!"

Gibbons:  "I think I've seen your billboards in the market!  They had a slogan ' It makes no sense to lose your scents.' "

DeHonker:  "That is part of our public education program along with the wearing of the ribbon you see on my lapel.  Do you smell something Scott?"

Gibbons:  "Er... No, no I don't.   I had noticed that ribbon sir.  It certainly is different.  White diamonds on a green background with diagonal red stripes and a border of puice lacework."

DeHonker:  "Well, we were looking for a plain colored ribbon or something a bit more subdued; but they have all been taken Scott."

Gibbons:  "Taken?  taken by whom?"

DeHonker:  "When we began researching what unused ribbons were available, we discovered that ribbon issuing had become an international business and is now regulated by the International Ribbon Issuing Tribunal (IRIT) in Berne.  They determine the efficacy of each application and are several years behind in issuing unique ribbons.  We were issued this ribbon, official number 56,344." 

Gibbons:  "So only the truly deserving entities are granted official ribbons ?"

DeHonker:  "Exactly Scott.  In fact I believe the last solid colored ribbon was issued in 2001 to that very worthy organization 'People for Sweaty Feet and Bunion Awarness.'  In fact not too dissimilar to the one you are wearing."

DeHonker:  "Are you sure you don't smell anything?"

Gibbons:  "Ah....yes, I mean no!  Well, what is all this equipment here doctor?

DeHonker:  "Well, in front of you Scott is the world's first, and only, working philosmellometer.  It enables us to accurately grade a stamp based on its fragrance factor."

Gibbons:  "Amazing, How does it work exactly?"

DeHonker:  "Quite simple actually.  I'll demonstrate."

[Dr. DeHonker placed a mint setenant blk 4, Brazil Scott 2717 into the tray of the philosmellometer, that slid closed with a hiss and sealed shut.]

DeHonker:  "OK, All set Scott, go ahead and press the red button there."

[I pressed the button and within a minute a printer connected to the device began printing a report, while a green led display flashed VF.]

DeHonker:  "You see Scott, we have the ability to automatically issue a certificate of Olfactory Authenticity within a minute."

Gibbons:  "Very impressive doctor. but what does that VF mean, does it grade the appearance of stamps also?"

DeHonker:  "Oh, no.  It strictly grades the fragrance of each stamp relative to the original P.O. issue fragrance, which we keep in our vacuum vaults here at the institute.  However I can see your confusion Scott.  Are you sure you don't smell something foul?"

Gibbons:  "NO, NO.... I don't smell a thing.  I don't know what you're talking about!"

DeHonker:  "Hmmmm, I have a pretty good nose for these things.....  Well, anyway , in order to aid the collector in grading his stamps we had to adopt a system that would be easily recognized and universally accepted, so we stayed with what was familiar to philateists with some modification."

DeHonker:  "Consequently, I developed the DeHonker grading system, now being used worldwide.  XF-Extraordinarily Fragrant, VF-Very Fragrant, F-Fragrant, and G-Gone."

Gibbons:  "What other areas of research are you undertaking doctor?"

DeHonker:  "Among other things we are studing smell preservation mounts, a calibrated olfactory catalog, and a field version of the philosmellometer for the philatelist."

Gibbons:  "Fascinating stuff Dr DeHonker.  It certainly has been an educational tour de force for me."

DeHonker:  "You are welcome Scott, it was my pleasu....  There is that smell agan !!  What is that !?"

Gibbons: "OK OK.  YES It's me !  Yes !!, I am a member of the People for Sweaty Feet and Bunion Awarness. and I wear the Magenta color shade 345, official IRIT No. 23,765 ribbon proudly.......... [sobbing]  We just want to be treated like people."

[ Interview terminated]