Gramm: "Good Morning Captain McSwain. How are you this morning?"

McSwain: "Arrgh, Lassie. What time it be?"

Gramm: "Well actually it’s 11:00 AM. We were scheduled for 7:00 but you were unconscious."

McSwain: "Aye. Guess I won’ be makin’ the mornin’ ferry run, hey?"

Gramm: "No sir, I expect not, since it was scheduled for 9:00."

McSwain: "Arrgh!! Had a bit of a night, I did."

Gramm: "Do you often drink that much before piloting the ferry?"

McSwain: "Drink? … Drink! Angus McSwain dunna drink Lassie."

Gramm: "Excuse me sir but you do seem a bit intoxicated."

McSwain: "Nay, little Las. Stayed up to the wee hours with’me stamps, don’t ye know."

Gramm: " So you’re just tired?"

McSwain: "Nay me darlin’. The fumes. The fumes what got me!"

Gramm: "Fumes? What fumes, Captain?"

McSwain: "Ah me – Have you never smelled the fumes lassie? The intoxicatin’ vapors risin’ from the tray. Me God I love it so!"

Gramm: "Are you referring to watermark fluid Captain?"

McSwain: "Aye me wee wench. The vapors of the gods. Started looking for watermarks as a young bucko, been at it all me life. Tried ‘em all – lighter fluid, benzene, carbon tetrachloride, trichloroethane, etc. Been mixing me own the past twenty years. Don’t even look for the watermarks any more."

Gramm: "Don’t you know that can be extremely dangerous sir?"

McSwain: "Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha...... Angus McSwain lives for danger! Just ask the ferry passengers…weak willed land lubbin’ herd of swine."

Gramm: "Sir, don’t you think your addiction is affecting your ability to reason?"

McSwain: "Nay me little flower. Me mind’s never been clearer. I hear the voices in me head as clear as a bell!"

Gramm: "So you wouldn’t attribute your vapor sniffing to the fifteen ferry accidents in the last three months?"

McSwain: "Nay me petulant petal. Tides and weather, that’s all. Beside ‘tis better than last year with that unfortunate sinking."

Gramm: "Aren’t you worried about your job if not the life of your passengers?"

McSwain: "Nay me rosy cheeked cherub. Me family holds the Royal Ferry Charter from King Phil himself, forever.

Gramm: "How did that come to pass?"

McSwain: "The McSwain clan were regummers like King Phil. And regummers tend to stick together."

Gramm: "I see. Well it has been an enlightening interview Captain. Thank you."

McSwain: "Me pleasure lassie. Care to share a tray wih’me ‘fore the 12:00 ferry run?"

Gramm: "As delightful as that sound, I’m afraid not Captain."

McSwain: "Arrgh."