HUMOR
Take some time out. More will come as I gather it
together. Select from the menu on the left and the sites listed below.
Should My Loved One Be Placed In An Assisted Computing Facility?
This is a must read for tekkies and non-tekkies as well.
If you want to understand everything there
is to know in the world, try "An
Abridged Collection of Interdisciplinary Laws."
Do you remember the Burma Shave signs of the
50's? Series of signs dotted the roads. The format was never
duplicated and will live on in history. I remember them because they were
all over the Midwest where I grew up. What makes them especially memorable
is that they were written by a relative of my father. You can see some of
them at Burma Shave Slogans of
the 50's.
Here is a compilation of quotes and sayings
that I enjoy: Previous
Quotes.
The legal challenge of the century - Wile
Coyete VS ACME Lawsuit.
One of the all-time masterpieces, Who's
on First, by Abbott and Costello.
The Painter
There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in
making a penny where he
could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of
their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he
got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying
the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the
rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and
knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones,
surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on
his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"
Ouch ..I'm outta here
The Modern Ark
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. So I am ordering you to build an Ark."
And, in a flash of lightning, the Lord delivered the specifications for the Ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," warned the Lord. "You better have my Ark completed -- or learn to swim for a long, long time!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping. There was no Ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"
A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark's construction, but your plans didn't meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I spent months trying to get a variance from the city planning board.
"After all that, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees, to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to *save* the owls, but they wouldn't listen. And they wouldn't let me catch any owls, either - so no owls on the Ark.
"Then the carpenters' union started picketing my home because I wasn't using union carpenters. I had to halt construction and begin negotiating with the National Labor Relations Board.
"Next, I started gathering up the animals -- but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
Just when that suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
"Then the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan.
I sent them a globe - and they went ballistic!
"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.
"Lord, I'm sorry, but I don't think there's any way I can finish the Ark in less than five years - if ever!"
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But I'm going to do it with something far worse than a mere flood. Something far more destructive. Something that man himself created."
"What's that?" Noah asked.
"Government!!" said the Lord.
Klingon Programmers
Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team:
10) "This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!"
9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"
8) "By finding this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"
7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!"
6) "Our competitors are without honor!"
5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!"
4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"
2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"
1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"
Prayer
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW SKATEBOARD...I PRAY FOR A PLAYSTATION 2...I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little boy replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
The Trip
I don't know who originated this story,
but I received it from a client who received it from his daughter.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man
departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight.
He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem
and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as
Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an
error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an
anguished scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her family
rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife. Departed yesterday, as you know. Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of
your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot
it is down here.
The Golf Game
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man
were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long
one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water
trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted, and it rolled to
the other side safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and
hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed
directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.
Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up on the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of
randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming
traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby
tree. It hits another tree on the other side of the fairway and from there
it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down
the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned
pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over
the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very
large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his
mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew
away.
As they passed over the green the frog
squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for
a beautiful hole in one. Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "Man, I
hate playing with your Dad."
Senior Moments
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Dilbert's Rule (my
hero)
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Trivia
The word for a pathological fear of
failure or defeat is "kakorrhaphiophobia," according to the
Alphabetical List of Phobias web page.
Subject: WORKOUT
I thought I would let you, my friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles.
You might wish to adopt this regimen - 3 days a week or more, if you would like.
I start by standing behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.
After a while I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!
This was real work, but the results were worth it!
Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level..........
Send me your
humorous anecdotes, stories, or pictures if you would like them included
on this site. |
