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SUGAR AND SPICE
Directed by Larry Wessel
Billed as a trip ?over the gender line? and into ?the fascinating world of transvestites, drag queens, and
transsexuals,? for me the selling point of Sugar and Spice was the inclusion of the one and only Sandie Crisp, AKA The Goddess
Bunny. One of countless fans of the documentary of the same name, I was keen to see Bunny in another milieu, one hopefully
more clear and cohesive than an Aes-Nihil production. And while not quite the hostess of S&S, The Goddess does appear frequently
to ?dish? with a friend, as well as appearing onstage for a fancy-dress karaoke rendition of ?Half-Breed.?
Centering upon drag queen lip-sync cabaret performers, Sugar and Spice allows its stars ample screen time
both on stage and off to discuss and display their passions. Onstage Glen Meadmore does a wild song and dance routine, there
are some bad camp-comedy songs by The Cosmic Danielle, Lipsinka, of course, does an act that incorporates a bit of Pee Wee
Herman, and drag troupes Las Reinas de Esta Noche and Las Reinas de Las Estrellas perform (with some of the other featured
players being Gender, Karen Dior/Jeff Gann, Alexis Miranda, and Sharon Kane). Behind the scenes the viewer gets a bit of backstage
chatter, dress-up, and cock-taping, trips to the clinic for cosmetic facial enhancements (whoops! there goes the syringe head
snapping off in the patient?s nose!), brief dips into the private lives of some of the performers, and even a few John Wayne
Gacy paintings.
One of the most interesting sets of interviews takes place at the home of Tyrrell Morris, founder of San
Francisco-based transgender support organization The Lost Girls. A pre-operative transsexual, Morris is anything but the stereotype
one might think of fitting that term. A combat pilot and jet-car driver, among the stories of high-speed exploits on land
and in air Morris relates some of the horrendous injuries suffered in each capacity. Hearing about surviving an engine explosion
on the starting line, and the multiple shattered bones and month-long coma that ensued, or about losing a kneecap ejecting
from an F-14 Tomcat during a hostile encounter in the Persian Gulf will give you pause and definitely make you reconsider
any preconception of transgender individuals.
But not all of Sugar and Spice?s subjects are so engaging. All of the featured characters? screen time is
interspersed with others to mix things up a bit, but with a total running time of about two hours some of the segments still
run a little long. And despite the variety of performers present, unless you?re a real fan of the transgender genre there
may be more TV karaoke here than you need. But chances are if you?re interested enough to pick up the video in the first place,
you?ll be getting your money?s worth and then some.
* *
$25.00 from Larry Wessel
P.O. Box 1611, Manhatten Beach, CA, 90267-1611
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TAUROBOLIUM: The Tijuana Bullfight Documentary
Directed by Larry Wessel
Having never attended a bullfight myself, Taurobolium was quite the cultural experience for me. Regardless
of your stance on animal rights you?ve got to admit that the bullfight is a riveting thing, and Wessel captures every aspect
of the event he can, both inside and out of the arena. Filmed between 1991 and 1993 at the Toreo de Tijuana, Taurobolium records
numerous bullfights during that period and edits them together to provide multiple views of the fabled contest of man vs.
beast.
A street urchin?s accordion and a Tijuana brass band herald entry into the Toreo, and shortly thereafter
the matadors appear. To much fanfare and applause the Mexican gladiators cross themselves against a goring, display their
capes, and prepare to meet the bulls. With the traditional taunting of the animal the bull charges the matador again and again
as the bullfighter steps aside with a sweep of his cape. Allowed to come closer on each successive pass the bull is occasionally
able to toss or seriously injure the matador, bringing gasps of nervous excitement from the crowd. If not carried out of the
ring the bullfighter trades in his cape for a set of beribboned lances with which he prances about before sticking them into
the belabored animal. Now bleeding and panting, the bull is led through his final paces as the red cape returns, joined by
a saber. The band strikes up again and the ecstatic crowd claps along, roaring ?Ole!? as the matador waltzes with the half-dead
beast. Patting the bull on the snout and even turning his back on the wounded animal in arrogant triumph, the matador at last
finishes toying with the beast and administers the fatal thrust to its heart. Blood pours from the bull?s mouth as it falls
to the ground, kicking at the air before expiring and being dragged from the ring by a team of horses. The matador limps up
to collect his trophies, the ears, and under a shower of roses and applause he enjoys a wineskin of victory.
The bullfight is over, but the bull isn?t quite finished yet. In an aftermath that is as practical as it
is gruesome, a team of butchers goes to work on the carcass. Children and other bystanders watch and beg for scraps as the
animal is flayed, decapitated, and disemboweled. The butchers literally wade through the blood and guts of the slain animal
to render the carcass into serviceable beef, quartering the carcass for loading onto a meat wagon and even emptying the stomach
and milking the intestines to make use of the organs. The matador, meanwhile, is surrounded by adoring Latinas who push money
and autograph books at him. Around the arena children catch seat cushions thrown down from the high seats, inebriated spectators
wander away, and the band plays the film out.
And by this point you can practically smell the dust, the blood, and the beer. You?ve got to admit, it?s
quite an event. Although the odds are stacked in favor of the humans, you still have to admire the Matadors? spirit. Members
of a rare breed, they literally dance with death as it rushes by them again and again in the form of several hundred pounds
of enraged animal. That the bullfight is a test of bravery as well as fortitude and skill is made clear as the huge beast
charges repeatedly then wheels about quickly in anger, moving much more adroitly than you?d expect from such a large animal.
There is, I think, always a certain hope that the matador will be gored, shown up for his arrogance and defiance of nature.
With the toreadors, additional swordsmen, lancemen (picadores), and the matador all out for the blood of the bull, it doesn?t
seem too wrong if the animal takes one or more of them out with him. Taurobolium captures a fair share of these injuries,
as the matadors are thrown into the air, trampled, and caught on the horns, but in the end the outcome is always the same.
Some aspects of the sport are recorded that I?d never heard of before ? in particular the shots of the picadore, who enters
the ring on a padded and blindfolded horse to literally joust with the bull, spearing it from his oft-toppled mount to weaken
it for the final blows. And of course the post-match butchery. (It?s too bad the camera couldn?t follow through to the final
stages of the animal?s processing, ending the film with the enjoyment of a plate of toro carnitas!) Wessel?s camera catches
actions peripheral to the event as well, from the vicious tequila and Tecate-fueled brawls along the bleachers to the post-bout
clowning by happy drunken patrons.
All in all Taurobolium is, as is the bullfight, a true spectacle, and as a modern document of a centuries-old
practice it deserves to be seen.
* * * *
$25.00 from Larry Wessel
P.O. Box 1611, Manhattan Beach, CA, 90267-1611
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THE THING WITH TWO HEADS
Directed by Lee Frost
If for nothing else, The Thing With Two Heads is worth watching for one single scene. And that?s when the
two-headed gorilla escapes from the laboratory and runs amok. Watching that big two-headed monkey scramble down the sidewalk
had me hooting, and I nearly rolled off the couch when the thing burst into a grocery store for some bananas and a startled
customer threw a roll of toilet paper at it! That?s quality lowbrow entertainment, right there! While the rest of the picture
isn?t nearly as amusing it does have a fairly high ridiculousness quotient to it, and as I?ve said of many a thing before,
it does have its moments.
Anyway, Ray Milland and ?Rosey? Grier ARE The Thing With Two Heads. But before they get that way, a little
bit of set-up, if you will. Milland is the brilliant but enfeebled surgeon Maxwell Kirshner, who runs the estimable Kirshner
Transplant Foundation and dabbles in two-headed monster-making on the side. It was indeed Kirshner?s two-headed gorilla (played
by Rick Baker) that escaped from his home laboratory, but the beast is quickly recaptured and business goes on as usual. Which
in itself is generally none too pleasant - confined to a wheelchair because of his severe arthritis, Kirshner is a cranky
arrogant old fuck who?s also a bit of a racist. Back at the Foundation one of his first moves is to try and sack the new Doctor
Williams (Don Marshall), whom he?d hired sight unseen and is dismayed to learn is a black man. But no matter how uptight Kirshner
may be (?As you know I never allow colored people on my personal staff!?) he still can?t wheel out of the conditions of their
contract, which guarantees Williams at least a six month trial period. Coming off as a rather pissy little bastard himself,
this suits Williams just fine.
Among Kirshner?s other problems is the fact that he?s suffering from ?terminal chest cancer.? With only
weeks left to live, and unwilling to let his great brilliance just die off (?My genius must be allowed to continue!?), Kirshner
ropes his colleague Dr. Desmond (Roger Perry) into finding him a new body. And whose might Desmond find but that of Jack Moss
(Grier), a death row inmate who volunteers to donate his body to science for a 30-day extension of his sentence. Of course
the fact that Moss is a black guy won?t sit too well with whitey Kirshner, but there were no other suitable subjects available
in their narrow time frame. And Kirshner has lapsed into a coma by now anyway, so he?s not really around to complain. Under
armed guard Moss is taken down to Kirshner?s lab (a grimy old basement that really looks more like a seldom-used storeroom
than an operating theater), sedated, and subjected to a lot of medical jargon before Kirshner?s prosthetic head is transplanted
onto his ample frame.
The operation is a success, at least until Kirshner comes out from under the anesthetic and sees himself
attached to a ?black bastard!? Moss is none too happy about the arrangement either, and when he finds his head nestled next
to Kirshner?s sour white puss he gets so agitated he has to be chloroformed. Not much later Moss recovers and makes a break
for it, stabbing a nurse in the ass with a syringe full of dope, tossing the armed guards on their heads, and at gunpoint
forcing Williams to be his getaway driver. A slow-paced chase through the hills ensues, a pretty lackluster sequence until
the funk soundtrack picks up and the Thing steals a motorcycle from a handy nearby racetrack. Williams rides backseat betty,
and the three of them go tearing around the track spooking other riders into mild spills. The action gets even more goofy
when over a dozen police cars join the cross-country chase, routinely failing to negotiate the countryside?s hilly terrain
and ending up rolling down hills or crashing into ditches. After an extended period (and one pretty funny moment in which
the trio?s bike jumps a ravine, Kirshner?s old lady-head screaming out in mid-air) Moss and crew leave the cops in the dust
and head back into town.
Along with expressing a keen interest in getting Kirshner?s head removed, Moss has been insisting all along
that he?s innocent of the murder charges brought against him. Now setting out to clear his name he shows up at his girlfriend
Lila?s house looking for an alibi. While she hasn?t seen the guy Moss is looking for, Lila (Chelsea Brown) is more interested
in how her man ended up toting Kirshner?s pasty chicken-head on one shoulder (?Honey, I know you don?t like to answer a lot
of questions, but how did that happen?!?). Kirshner, or ?ol? Happy Face? as Moss refers to him, has kept up his bigoted tirade
throughout their ordeal, and after dinner (?What have you got for dessert, watermelon?!?) Williams finally agrees to Moss?
request to remove the doctor?s head.
But Kirshner?s been practicing taking control of Moss? body, and he won?t have any of that action. While
out stealing medical supplies Kirshner takes over and KOs both Williams and Moss, then heads back to his home base. Calling
Dr. Desmond he?s told that police are scouring the city after sightings of a ?two-headed monster,? so Kirshner decides to
go ahead and try to remove Moss? head himself. Sedating Moss Kirshner preps his new body for surgery, and is just about to
start cutting when Dr. Williams and Lila show up . . .
By the time Dr. Desmond arrives, all that?s left of Kirshner is a sorry old head sitting on a medical cart,
pleading with Desmond to find him a new body. Moss, Lila, and Desmond, meanwhile, drive away into the night singing ?Oh Happy
Day.?
Yeah, okay, so a lot of this was pretty bad. But come on, what else were you expecting from a feature called
The Thing With Two Heads? Besides the titular Thing you?ve got a little comedy, a little action, and a little mad science,
all with a little bit of an emphasis on the word ?little? in each case. It is kind of hard to keep a straight face while watching
any double-noggined creature trot around town, much less race motorcycles. In close-up both heads are those of the real actors,
but when Grier goes running around Milland?s floppy head is none too convincing. The ?chase? scenes and weak racial digs were
pretty forced, almost as much as the suspension of disbelief you?d have to muster up to believe that human head transplantation
was less complicated, painful, and time-consuming than a root canal. But still, how often do you get to see a picture with
a two-headed monkey in it? That, along with the numerous chuckles and groans elicited throughout the film?s duration, props
this puppy up to a proud three-star recommendation. I?m sure there are those that might disagree, but they can all go blow
a two-headed monkey.
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THE VIRGIN SPRING
Directed by Ingmar Bergman
Two girls set out to deliver holy candles to a church far away, and in the process unleash traumatic events
of almost Biblical proportions.
The younger girl is Karin, the spoiled youngest daughter of hardworking Swedish farm couple Tore and Mareta.
Ingeri is a pregnant and unwed young woman who?s been taken in by the family, and who has grown to resent the spoiled younger
girl for her favored position. As different as they may be however, each of them welcomes a change of scenery and a respite
from the farm?s many chores, and together they are sent out on horseback. From the grassy hills of the farmland the girls
travel into a forest, where Ingeri stops at a hermit?s cabin and says that she can?t go on. Leaving her there to catch up
later Karin proceeds alone, but soon the hermit?s collection of grisly talismans and dire talk soon drive Ingeri to flee back
into the woods as well.
Having insisted upon being dressed in her best churchgoing finery that morning, and with her blond hair
shining in the sun, Karin is quite a sight for the desloate mountainside, and the little princess soon attracts the attention
of a trio of goatherding brothers. And proving rather smooth talkers for a gang of mountain boys, the grimy herdsmen convince
the young girl to climb down and stay with them a while. Accompanying the goatherds to a pleasant glade and sharing her bread
and ale with them, Karin proceeds to spin them a glorious yarn about her imaginary royal home life. This fairytale story causes
an awkward moment of menacing silence on the part of the goatherds, which Karin makes worse by offering the boys her last
sandwich ? the one which Ingeri specially prepared for her that morning by placing a live toad inside a loaf of bread.
Ingeri herself has made her way to the scene by now, and she watches in silent horror as the rage and suspicion
of the simple herdsmen is aroused. Though Karin makes an awkward attempt to run away, she is quickly brought down and defiled.
Afterwards, as she wanders about gasping in shock, the largest of the brothers, a hulking mute, strikes her in the back of
the head with his club. Karin falls to the ground, managing only a single pitiful look up at her attackers before she collapses
and dies. Her body is quickly stripped of its fine clothing, her other belongings pillaged, and the holy candles kicked away
into the dirt before the older herdsmen leave the youngest on his own to watch the goats. Snow gently begins to fall as, alone
with the body of a girl scarcely older than himself and considerably shaken by the brutality he?s just witnessed, the boy
makes a feeble attempt to bury Karin before running away after his brothers.
The next we see, the three herdsmen have shown up at Tore?s farm. Claiming to be seeking shelter while on
their way south in search of work, they?re taken in from the cold and told that they may spend the night. Another guest, a
refugee professor also staying at the farm, sucks an egg and speaks roundly of ill fortune . . .
At supper the youngest goatherd is still visibly affected by Karin?s death. He?s put to bed early, and as
he lies in the straw the professor enters the shadowed room and unreels a metaphoric prophecy of life and fate to the horrified
lad. Elsewhere in the farmhouse Mareta is praying for her daughter?s safe return when she hears the boy cry out. Going to
check on him she finds him in the company of his brothers, but despite their assurances that he is all right Mareta can see
that the child has just been beaten. Perhaps to assuage their hostess? suspicions, and definitely unaware whose house it is
they are in, one brother offers Mareta Karin?s underdress and sack as items formerly belonging to his ?dead sister.? The goatherd
even goes so far as to elaborate upon the finer points of the garment, which of course Mareta has immediately recognized as
her daughter?s. ?I shall speak to my husband,? she tells him, ?about what reward will be just for such a valuable item.?
Devastated, Mareta leaves the room to sob into her dead daughter?s dress. Her sorrow is quickly replaced
by resolve however, as she bars the door to the guest room and goes straight to her husband. When Tore sees the blood on Karin?s
dress he leaps out of bed and, pulling a sword from a chest of clothing, storms out of the room. In the central area of the
farmhouse he comes across Ingeri, who has recently skulked home and is now cowering under the staircase. Torn from her hiding
place she tells Tore everything, not only about what she witnessed but how she is as guilty as the herdsmen for wishing something
awful would happen to Karin. With pained nobility Tore hears her out, then sets to work. Pulling down a young birch tree and
lashing himself with its branches while enduring a searing steam bath, Tore conducts a form of penance before he tells Ingeri,
?You?ll have to get my butcher knife.? Together Tore and Mareta creep into the sleeping goatherds? room and, sifting through
their belongings, find more of their daughter?s things. Returning to the dining area Tore gravely drives his dagger into the
table and sits back with stoic gravity to await the dawn.
At first light Tore awakens the goatherds and quickly stabs the big mute one to death. He then turns to
the next oldest, and after a brief and hectic struggle the herdsman is gripped in a mighty bear hug and pushed down into the
fire. Only the little one is left now, and Mareta?s maternal instinct takes over as she attempts to shelter the boy. But Ingeri
had told Tore that all three of them were upon Karin at once, like devils, and ripping the lad away from his wife Tore picks
him up and throws his little body across the room.
Asking the Lord for forgiveness, Tore, Mareta, and the farmhands all follow Ingeri out through the forest
to find Karin?s body. Reaching Karin?s makeshift grave her mother pulls at her daughter?s lifeless body and clutches it to
her, sobbing, as Tore wanders a short distance away and collapses. ?I don?t understand you,? he cries out to the Lord again
and again, and yet he still asks forgiveness. Saying, ?I know no other way to make peace with myself than with my own hands,?
Tore swears to build a church on this very site to atone for the violent sins of the recent past. As he and his wife lift
their child from the ground, a spring begins to flow up from the earth where her body lay.
Based on a fourteenth century Swedish legend, the realization of The Virgin Spring is nothing short of amazing.
It?s quite a thing to come across a film that expresses what (to us modern city folk anyway) seems like such a simple and
uncomplicated way of life as an existence filled instead with magic and drama. With the ominous mountain forest and pastoral
countryside settings, the film?s elegant movement and the dramatic light and shadow of its B&W stock, and of course the classic
themes of tragedy and revenge, I hate to say it but The Virgin Spring is a truly poetic feature. But one bearing mysterious
and fateful undertones as well ? right from the very beginning the film conveys a supernatural aura, with Ingeri?s witchy
kitchen behavior and the way in which, as the girls? journey progresses from the beauty of the open mountainside to the shadowed
and more imposing atmosphere of the forest, the film quickly grows darker in content as well as setting. A crafty blend of
evocative visual elements, such as the fable-like scenes of farm and forest being contrasted with cold crime scene shots of
Karin lying motionless amid the trees, brings a level of drama to the picture that exists even when no action is taking place.
In addition to the rich scenery the characters are all incredibly well-realized, perfectly fleshing out the mythic rusticism
of the tale?s environment. Karin?s mother is rather morbid for a ?good Christian woman,? and actions of hers such as burning
herself out of reverence for Christ?s torment, and saying to a small bird, ?So, you poor thing, live your wretched little
life, the way God allows all of us to live,? bring depth both to the mania of her character as well as to the rigors of old-world
farm life. Ingeri, the dark beauty taken in as a stray, is depicted as an almost feral creature capable of anything, while
the young blond Karin is literally the very sunshine in her parents? lives. The unclean goatherds and their homicidal backwoods
lust definitely have a Deliverance quality to them, and even side characters such as the hermit and the professor manage to
provide additional occult elements to the film. And Max Von Sydow, as Tore, retains a tragically regal air throughout the
picture that not only gives the farmer a distinctive nobility but also supports Karin?s fairytale ideation, further adding
to the legendary element of the story. Were this a silent film, with illuminated letter pages providing dialogue for the scenes,
it would have been even more of an unsurpassable visual storybook, but as it is there?s very little to find fault with. Generally
when it comes to foreign films I?d have to state a preference for the HK Category III flicks, but The Virgin Spring is something
else entirely.
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ZOMBIE DOOM (AKA Violent Shit III)
Directed by Andreas Schnaas
I?m usually a sucker for a zombie flick, even if it ain?t a very good one. But when it?s downright lousy
. . . Zombie Doom is the kind of flick that, had you seen it in your formative junior high school years, you might have idolized
as the kind of low-budget creature feature you and your buddies wished you could have made yourselves. (Zombies AND ninjas!
Wow, cool!)
When the engine of their Minnow conks out during a pleasure cruise, three ill-fated German guys end up doing
the Gilligan thing and washing up on the nearest island. Unfortunately for them this uncharted desert isle is no paradise,
but instead the turf of the infamous Karl the Butcher (director Schnaas). In no time at all the trio finds themselves in the
clutches of Karl?s tin-masked machete-wielding minions, taken captive and brought to the warlord?s base camp. There they witness
his mismatched militia training with aluminum blades and trashcan lids while the crazed Dr. Senius (Matthias Bern) dissects
undead corpses in the name of mad science. None of this looks too hopeful for our guys (?Shit, no matter what this is, I?m
sure it isn?t good for us.?), but their philosophical apprehensions (?The world is full of puke and shit.?) are soon interrupted
by the noisy arrival of ?The Meister!? himself.
The chunky one-eyed Karl makes his first (and somewhat less than ferocious) dramatic appearance by laying
down the law, Humongous-style. Under the supervision of his father Karl Sr. (Mark Trinkhaus), a feeble old guy with a rat-eaten
face, the harsh punishment of dissidents and ?other thinkers? is exemplified by the use of the quadruple guillotine. Another
pair of doomed ?traitors? are sentenced by ?The Meister!? to be tied to posts and have their guts and faces ripped open. When
one of the captive tourists isn?t suitably impressed by this display of cruelty, he gets his fingers lopped off and a spear
in the belly. The remaining two unfortunates are slated as prey in Karl?s ?great hunt,? along with another rebellious soldier,
Leon (Xiu-Yong Lin), who?s also fallen out of favor with ?The Meister!? And, with a few curses and some general derision,
they?re given a day?s head start to get off and running.
While Karl pushes Dr. Senius forward in his quest for a ?Meister race? and an ?army of darkness? composed
of reanimated corpses, the hunted men pause for a rest so that Leon can tell his story. Cast out of the camp for failing to
complete the ?insemination ritual,? Leon?s tale of refusing to participate in his wife?s torture offers a weird flashback
further exemplifying the island?s (and the film?s) utter wrongness. Along with some token unattractive nudity (hairy broads
with funky tits) we get to see a toy monster attack. (Even with the benefit of fifteen frames of sloppy stop-motion photography,
the plastic creature is about as menacing as an Epilady.)
After this brief interlude the trio decides to sneak back into Karl?s camp for some weapons. Attacking some
guards with tree branch spears the three make away with some machetes, and as they head back into the woods the surviving
guard gets fist-fucked with a meathook for his incompetence. The runners reach a clearing and, all of a sudden, they?re surrounded
by zombies. A couple of karate guys pop up out of nowhere, adding to the confusion, and the bewildered krauts take off together,
leaving Leon and the new guys to wreak some serious havoc on the zombies? prosthetic limbs. With the undead defeated it turns
out that the two new guys are pals of Leon?s, Giang (Giang Le) and Son (Son Le), who are also former soldiers exiled from
Karl?s militia. The three team up to fight crime, I mean, ?The Meister!? and his zombies, while the German guys trek on through
the countryside and take out a few of Karl?s henchmen to the tune of some awful krautrock. Their luck doesn?t last long however,
and soon they?re outnumbered and butchered by enemy troops. (But not without a bit of Ipecac-induced vomiting.)
Elsewhere Leon and friends encounter a gang of Karl?s ninjas and engage in a bit of bloody chop-socky. (In
one instance a ninja?s head is stuck through with a machete and then kicked off to go spinning through the air and impale
another warrior.) After this successful battle the three invade Karl?s camp and go to war Hong Kong style. With firearms,
arrows, milk bottle rockets, and their angry fists of fury the rebels take out a score of the tin-masked mongoloids, and in
all of the carnage even Dr. Senius himself is done in by one of his own experiments (a clumsy headless madman costume?). Leon
also dies during the fighting, but his two comrades live on to torch the camp and chase down ?The Meister!? and pa for the
final showdown.
Another scene of almost slow-motion fight choreography ensues, with both the metal claw and the infamous
flying guillotine being brought into play, and with a considerable amout of limb-shredding ?The Meister!? is vanquished at
last. The triumphant warriors do the slow-mo lovers run toward one another to leap into the air and high-five, and thus concludes
the Violent Shit trilogy. (Crank up the techno music and cue the credits.)
Sounds pretty exciting, don?t it? Zombies, mad scientists, ninjas, warlords, kung-fu fighting, good vs.
evil, etc., etc. But the odd plotline and pacing (how can a film with this much killing in it seem to move so slowly?) and
the less-than-emphatic dubbing makes the amateur acting (and action) all the more wooden. Something for which the celebrated
violence can?t quite compensate, unlike it does in Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead (another Shock-O-Rama release). In fact
the morbid and overly melodramatic pronunciation on the part of all involved gives Zombie Doom a cheesy, sadistically angst-ridden
comic book quality that is unfortunately quite in keeping with the adolescent fantasy of an island full of self-styled tough
guys training with handmade weapons scavenged from somebody?s garage. Oh yeah, and trying to grow some zombies, too. One small
plus is that grainy Super-8 footage is spliced in at places to imitate raw Faces of Death-style scenes of carnage, which ought
to trigger some rather effective association if you were watching those flicks at about the same time you were dreaming about
zombie ninjas. But unfortunately the gore effects have an even lesser degree of believability than those ?documentaries.?
And the toy dinosaur/monster thing in particular was pretty embarassing ? it would actually have been pretty funny if it wasn?t
meant to be taken so seriously. In fact there?s not an awful lot to recommend about this flick, except: (see adjoining review)
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ZOMBIE ?90: Extreme Pestilence
Directed by Andreas Schnaas
The Zombie Doom DVD comes with the added bonus feature Zombie ?90: Extreme Pestilence, also directed by
Schnaas (and produced by ?The Violent Shitters?). In this film the aftermath of a chemical-laden military plane crash unleashes,
yes, an Extreme Pestilence, in the form of, you guessed it, Zombies. All of them are hungry (some of them even wield chainsaws),
and without any further explanation they begin wandering through the forest and countryside munching on whoever they happen
across. (Which happens surprisingly frequently given the fact that most of the film locations are nearly deserted woodland
areas.) This phenomenon is investigated by the eminent Dr. Bern (Matthias Kerl), a lanky German fellow whose lines are amusingly
dubbed over with the ?voice talent? of a husky pimp-talkin? black dude (or a white guy faking a really bad black accent).
Along with his whiny nasal-voiced colleague Dr. Simon, Bern heads over to his private home laboratory to experiment with ways
to quell the zombie menace. While they fart around amid some faux autopsy footage, the viewer is treated to the sight of a
fat woman (whose voice is laughably dubbed in by a man) getting her fake tit chopped off and eaten, along with more cannibalism,
blood, and squishy sounds.
In no time at all Bern comes up with a gold medal theory: ?No, wait a minute ? I think I got the solution
without even an analysis: this is the same substance that a scientist invented to fight the AIDS virus. I guess a overdose
of this stuff coulda caused a reanimation of dead tissue!? ?Dr. Bern, you?re a genius!? gushes Simon. And not even the walking
corpse of Sam the gardener (?He turned into a zombie! DAMN!?) can stop Bern now. ?A shot in the head?s the only way to deal
with a zombie elimination!?
Elsewhere a Corey Feldman lookalike wakes up in his car on a country road, pisses in the bushes, and is
set upon and gut-munched by the undead. Nearby, Bern and buddy show up in hazmat suits (?C?mon now, let?s see what we got
over here, nyow.?) and use a fake geiger counter to find their way to the now-empty site of the crash. (By way of explaining
the absolute lack of any sign of a plane crash whatsoever, Bern says of the military clean-up, ?These boys have done a neat
job this time.?) The purpose of this trip is uncertain, as Bern has already ?got the solution without even an analysis,? but
it does set the doctors up for a zombie attack. A series of eye-gougin?, gut-drippin?, head-stabbin? scenes ensues as the
docs fight for their lives. They make short work of the ghouls, but Simon is bitten in the process. As Bern attends to his
wound, in a similar-looking area a new mother is decapitated for flubbing her lines and has her baby doll ripped apart over
her headless body.
On the way to the hospital Bern just has to pull over and investigate yet another car parked out in the
middle of nowhere (the film?s third or fourth one so far). ?Hmm, looks pretty fishy!? says Bern, just before he?s jumped by
a zombie chick in panties. Bern takes her out with an axe, sticks a three-foot stage knife through her zombie boyfriend, and
continues on toward the hospital. He?s stopped yet again however, this time by a corpse lying in the middle of the road. ?Damn!
Bodies all over this place!? You think he?d have learned by now, but no, ?I?ma go check dis out!? As he drags the corpse out
of the road Simon dies, reanimates, and attacks his former friend, only to be quickly cut down and killed for good.
More cheesy carnage takes place not far away as a high school field trip is attacked by knife-wielding zombies
wearing some of the worst makeup yet. A step up in the cheesy gore score though ? one zombie actually pulls a rack of short
ribs out of a teacher?s chest and starts gnawing away! Bern by this time has returned home safely, but is quickly called back
to the hospital to deal with the living dead. On his way we encounter a lot more gratuitous gore and dialogue (?I love the
smell of zombies in the morning!?), so for a slight change of atmosphere Bernie rolls down a hill and knocks himself out.
In his dream state he finds himself in a haunted house, having just taken a shit and realizing there?s no toilet paper. He
wanders about the place for a bit, until zombies show up (?It?s Jimi Hendrix! I got all yo? records!?) and chase him around.
Finding an axe Bern begins laying into them, with lots of smashed heads and puddles of blood as a result. He fights his way
back into consciousness, only to wake up and have his throat and belly ripped open by a ravenous zombie. The last scene of
the film has a pack of zombies heading over a bridge into the city, um, Zombie-style.
A cheap homemade zombie movie, indeed even cheaper and more homemade-looking than Zombie Doom, at least
the hilariously bad dubbing and dialogue give Zombie ?90 a chance at cult potential. The kind of flick to make you throw pork
rinds at the screen between guffaws and brews. So all told, I?d give the DVD a midline rating of two, as although the bonus
film is none-too-impressive it is at least amusing, and every little bit helps when improving the presentation of Zombie Doom.
* * *
Shock-O-Rama Cinema / ei Independent Cinema
www.Shock-O-Rama.com / www.eicinema.com
10 Park Place, Building 1-A, 2nd Floor, Butler, NJ, 07405
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tmcrites@earthlink.net
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