"Mr. Otrstf, so glad you could come. Please, relax. We so rarely get applicants who want to become an animal, anymore. Normally it's the other way around."
"What kinds? Oh, this week, we've had a lot of bears come in. It usually happens like that - they wake up from a long hibernation, feeling hungry, can't face the thought of turning over another rotten log and eating another grub. They suddenly realize - what they want is a Big Mac. Since most bears have eaten fast food before, so that's what comes to mind. If more of them had eaten at a fine dining establishment, they might develop more refined tastes, but there you go. I've given up. I've given up. How can you keep 'em back in the woods once they've sampled the mall food court?"
"What do I transform them into? Oh, that's easy. Since they're starved gaunt anyway, I make them all fashion models. As long as the 'waif look' is around, I'll have plenty of jobs for bears. They usually start out working at The Gap. And everyone expects models to have a temper."
"But there's not that much business. Seems like most people are already humans, or want to be, anymore. Sometimes we see folks insisting they ought to be one of the rare antisocial types; but werewolves and similar creatures are just extremely uncommon. The chimerae: dragons, unicorns, griffins and the like - there just isn't anyplace where they can thrive in the present, industrial world. West Texas, maybe. Did you know a mature dragon has to eat over two hundred sheep per year? So what remains is being human. Six billion and counting. The rest live around the margins, the large creatures in the deep forests, the smaller, more clever ones just out of plain sight. Those less clever, or who've just grown tired of the effort, they all ask for fingers, jobs, and mortgages. No offense meant to you."
"So, while you have indeed come to the right place, (after all I'm here to grant your wish) we require a pre-placement interview, one to determine if you are really making a change that is beneficial both for you, and fornd for the entire ecosystem. There are certainly niches open, after all; the number of gemsbok is approximately equal to the number of 7-11 clerks in the wild. There are more zebra than chartered accountants, more squirrels than fry cooks, (which I see you've listed on your resume.) Do you like nuts?"
"Let's begin the questions: 1. If you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"
"Oh, sorry. Picked up the wrong form. Different department entirely. Unless you'd like something from the vegetable kingdom?"
"Here it is. The real questionnaire. A train leaves Chicago at 4:21 at 56 miles per hour…."
"Ha. Ha. My little joke, there. Breaks the tension. I used to do magic tricks, but the smoke detectors kept going off from the lightning bolts. Question one. Do you feel most comfortable with a group of your peers, or would you describe yourself as solitary?"
"What, are you sure? Our background check showed you spend a lot of time alone, that you prefer to make friends mainly via email. That pretty much leaves out all the herd animal positions. Packs, too, although the psych profile showed you might respond well to dominant leader, but I think deep inside, you would be unhappy. So, no horses, sheep, gazelle, wolves, sea lions, most fish. Before we go any further, let me ask-have you ever tasted a grub?"
"No, it's not part of the regular questions, but since I _do_ have a recent opening, and my lunch break is coming up…"
"Here, try one! See what you think."
At that point I woke up with a desperate urge for a Big Mac and fries.