The Joy of Lex
Some definitions from the book...
Absurdity -- a statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Bacchus -- a convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
Barometer -- an ingenious instrument which indicates us what kind of weather we are having.
Calamity -- a more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering; calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
Contempt -- the feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
Education -- that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Future -- that period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.
Hospitality -- the virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
Lawyer -- one skilled in circumvention of the law.
Male -- a member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
Pray -- to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Price -- value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
...and Words to Live By?
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Start the day with a smile -- and get it over with.
Visit your mother today. Maybe she hasn't had any problems lately.
Why worry about tomorrow, when today is so far off?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life -- celebrate now!
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother!
Archduke Ferdinand found alive! First World War a mistake!
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. -- Woody Allen
Television is called a medium because it's rarely well done -- Fred Allen
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous. -- Robert Benchley
One man's Mede is another man's Persian. -- George S. Kaufman
So this gentleman said a girl with brains ought to do something else with them besides think. -- Anita Loos
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx after taking the pulse of an unconscious man
I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home. -- Groucho Marx in a love scene
"I remember your name. I just can't think of your face." -- The Reverend William Spooner
"I wish I'd said that." -- Oscar Wilde.
"You will, Oscar, you will." -- James McNeill Whistler
Date created: July 17, 1997
Last modified: October 14, 1997
Copyright © 1997, Greg Cramer, O.M.S.
Maintained by: Greg Cramer
optionsms@earthlink.net
