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The Old Maltese
St. Valentine's Day Massacre
53 Annual Events (and counting) . . .


coast-to-coast competitions, challenges of logic, alertness, and common sense

quests from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Statue of Liberty in even-numbered years (then westbound in odd-numbered years)

journeys of thousands of miles without leaving home, because they're all done on maps!

This is how The St. Valentine's Day Massacre works:

We'll send you the giant 11x15 100-page-plus 2016 Rand McNally Road Atlas and the St. Valentine's Day Massacre book of instructions.

We'll start at the Golden Gate Bridge and travel (vicariously, by map) across the continent to the Statue of Liberty .

Entries are accepted continuously until Valentine's Day, February 14.  (The completion deadline for everyone is leap day, February 29.)


What has Jeopardy! champion Ken Jennings written about the St. Valentine's Day Massacre? Click:

This is what


Note: Entries closed on Valentine's Day for the 2016 St. Valentine's Day Massacre.   Our next map rally is the Independence Day Fireworks, going on right now.


By following the Massacre's auto rally kind of instructions, at your kitchen table or wherever you want, an hour or two at a time whenever you want, we travel on a continuous course over mountains and plains, from page to page in the atlas, from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Statue of Liberty.

The year 2016 marks the 200th anniversary of the election of James Monroe to the Presidency.

This winter we celebrated by going to a whole slew of Monroes: in Utah, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Kentucky, Michigan, and New Hampshire, not to mention a Monrovia too. Along the way we got help from Bill Monroe and Earl and Vaughn and Keith and Robin and Marvin and, indeed, Marilyn too, on our way to New York City.

Last winter we honored the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo, driving to Waterloo (New York & Iowa), Napoleon (Ohio & North Dakota), and Wellington (Texas, Colorado, & Utah) on the way to San Francisco.

In 2014 we embarked on a Tolstoyan journey, from San Francisco to Warden (Washington), Peace River (Alberta), Warroad (Minnesota), Salem (Nebraska), Guerra (Texas), Pace (Florida), and War (West Virginia) on the way to New York City.

Our 2013, 50th, adventure revisited the best places we had driven through in the '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s, and '00s. We reprinted many of the actual instructions and questions from the early Massacre editions. It was a retrospective bonanza! We visited Windfall and Good Intent (Pennsylvania), Rising Sun and Beanblossom (Indiana), Lost Nation (Iowa), Valentine (Nebraska), and Malta (Montana) on the way to San Francisco.

Along the way, we ask questions to see if you are on the correct course. Here's a question from the 2016 event, and the two instructions it was between.

5. Go southeast on Interstate 5.

Question: Do you see Disneyland?

6. Go east onto Ortega Hwy. at interchange 82.

[The answer depends on where we hit Interstate 5, and the answer was no: Going westbound upon California 91, heading for Instruction 5 at Interstate 5, we used the 'straight-as-possible' rule at California 91's interchange 18 to go down California 55 to Instruction 5 near Santa Ana's Zoo, well southeast of Disneyland.]


You have until the 29th of February to send in your answers. Then custom-designed trophies go to at least the top 10%: those who've done the best in avoiding the Massacre's bushwhackers and snares.

And local champion certificates go to the best from each state, province, and country.


To receive a Massacre brochure in the mail next December, in advance of the 2017 St. Valentine's Day Massacre, just send The Old Maltese an email request mentioning the Massacre, with your street mailing address, or mail a note to us at:

St. Valentine's Day Massacre
P.O. Box 53
La Caņada, California 91012