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The Old Maltese
St. Valentine's Day Massacre
51 Annual Events (and counting) . . .


coast-to-coast competitions, challenges of logic, alertness, and common sense

quests from the Statue of Liberty to the Golden Gate Bridge in odd-numbered years (then eastbound in even-numbered years)

journeys of thousands of miles without leaving home, because they're all done on maps!

This is how The St. Valentine's Day Massacre works:

We'll send you the giant 11x15 100-page-plus 2015 Rand McNally Road Atlas and the St. Valentine's Day Massacre book of instructions.

We'll start at the Statue of Liberty and travel (vicariously, by map) across the continent to the Golden Gate Bridge.

Entries are accepted continuously until Valentine's Day, February 14.  (The completion deadline for everyone is the first Monday in March.)


What has Jeopardy! champion Ken Jennings written about the St. Valentine's Day Massacre? Click:

This is what


Note: Entries for the 2015 St. Valentine's Day Massacre will open in early December.  

Please check out our Almaniac trivia contest, going on right now.


By following the Massacre's auto rally kind of instructions, at your kitchen table or wherever you want, an hour or two at a time whenever you want, we travel on a continuous course over mountains and plains, from page to page in the atlas, between the Golden Gate Bridge and the Statue of Liberty.

Last winter we embarked on a Tolstoyan journey, from San Francisco to Warden (Washington), Peace River (Alberta), Warroad (Minnesota), Salem (Nebraska), Guerra (Texas), Pace (Florida), and War (West Virginia) on the way to New York City.

Our 2013, 50th, adventure revisited the best places we had driven through in the '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s, and '00s. We reprinted many of the actual instructions and questions from the early Massacre editions. It was a retrospective bonanza! We visited Windfall and Good Intent (Pennsylvania), Rising Sun and Beanblossom (Indiana), Lost Nation (Iowa), Valentine (Nebraska), and Malta (Montana) on the way to San Francisco.

In 2012 we had a National Convention Procession, to towns -- some in out-of-the-way places -- whose names are the same as cities that have hosted National Political Conventions in the past. From San Francisco we drove to Dallas (Oregon), St. Louis (Saskatchewan), Buffalo (Wyoming), Washington Co. (Nebraska), Atlanta (Illinois), Columbus (Ohio), and Albany (Vermont) on the way to New York City.

In 2011 it was Westward Ho! From Nieuw-Amsterdam we drove to Zwaanendael, the Cumberland Gap, Vincennes, St. Joseph, Chimney Rock, Promontory Point, and Virginia City, and then onward to San Francisco.

In 2010 we visited State Fairs, starting in San Francisco and driving to Yakima, Washington; Great Falls, Montana; Pueblo, Colorado; Huron, South Dakota; Sedalia, Missouri; Perry, Georgia; and Harrington, Delaware. Then we finished the coast-to-coast journey with a final leg to the Statue of Liberty.

For 2009 we celebrated Oscar Movies by traveling west from New York through Paris, Ontario; Arthur, Illinois; Boys Town, Nebraska; and Cimarron, New Mexico; to Hollywood. And then the final leg was up to the Golden Gate Bridge.

Along the way, we ask questions to see if you are on the correct course. Here's a question on the 2014 event, and the two instructions it's between.

10. Go southeast on California 89.

Question: Do you see Klamath Nat'l Forest?

11. Go west at California 70.

[The answer depends on where you do Instructions 10 and 11, of course. As it happens, Instruction 10 was a turn off of California 299 -- well south of Klamath Nat'l Forest, too far away for us to see it -- onto southbound California 89.]


You have until the first Monday in March to send in your answers. Then custom-designed trophies go to at least the top 10%: those who've done the best in avoiding the Massacre's bushwhackers and snares.

And local champion certificates go to the best from each state, province, and country.


To receive a Massacre brochure in the mail in December, in advance of the 2015 St. Valentine's Day Massacre, just send The Old Maltese an email request mentioning the Massacre, with your street mailing address, or mail a note to us at:

St. Valentine's Day Massacre
P.O. Box 53
La Caņada, California 91012