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The Old Maltese
St. Valentine's Day Massacre
52 Annual Events (and counting) . . .


coast-to-coast competitions, challenges of logic, alertness, and common sense

quests from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Statue of Liberty in even-numbered years (then westbound in odd-numbered years)

journeys of thousands of miles without leaving home, because they're all done on maps!

This is how The St. Valentine's Day Massacre works:

We'll send you the giant 11x15 100-page-plus 2016 Rand McNally Road Atlas and the St. Valentine's Day Massacre book of instructions.

We'll start at the Golden Gate Bridge and travel (vicariously, by map) across the continent to the Statue of Liberty .

Entries are accepted continuously until Valentine's Day, February 14.  (The completion deadline for everyone is the first Monday in March.)


What has Jeopardy! champion Ken Jennings written about the St. Valentine's Day Massacre? Click:

This is what


By following the Massacre's auto rally kind of instructions, at your kitchen table or wherever you want, an hour or two at a time whenever you want, we travel on a continuous course over mountains and plains, from page to page in the atlas, from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Statue of Liberty.

Last winter we honored the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo, driving to Waterloo (New York & Iowa), Napoleon (Ohio & North Dakota), and Wellington (Texas, Colorado, & Utah) on the way to San Francisco.

In 2014 we embarked on a Tolstoyan journey, from San Francisco to Warden (Washington), Peace River (Alberta), Warroad (Minnesota), Salem (Nebraska), Guerra (Texas), Pace (Florida), and War (West Virginia) on the way to New York City.

Our 2013, 50th, adventure revisited the best places we had driven through in the '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s, and '00s. We reprinted many of the actual instructions and questions from the early Massacre editions. It was a retrospective bonanza! We visited Windfall and Good Intent (Pennsylvania), Rising Sun and Beanblossom (Indiana), Lost Nation (Iowa), Valentine (Nebraska), and Malta (Montana) on the way to San Francisco.

Along the way, we ask questions to see if you are on the correct course. Here's a question from the 2014 event, and the two instructions it was between.

10. Go southeast on California 89.

Question: Do you see Klamath Nat'l Forest?

11. Go west at California 70.

[The answer depends on where you do Instructions 10 and 11, of course. As it happens, Instruction 10 was a turn off of California 299 -- well south of Klamath Nat'l Forest, too far away for us to see it -- onto southbound California 89.]

And here's a question on the 2015 event, and the two instructions it was between.

4. Go southwest on U.S. 9.

Question: Do you cross Wood Av. and Old Post Rd.?

5. Go right on 514 in Middlesex County.

[The answer was no: driving on southbound U.S. 9 we crossed Wood Av. in Linden, but then we stayed on U.S. 9 near Woodbridge, avoiding crossing Old Post Rd. ahead.]


You have until the first Monday in March to send in your answers. Then custom-designed trophies go to at least the top 10%: those who've done the best in avoiding the Massacre's bushwhackers and snares.

And local champion certificates go to the best from each state, province, and country.


To receive a Massacre brochure in the mail in December, in advance of the 2016 St. Valentine's Day Massacre, just send The Old Maltese an email request mentioning the Massacre, with your street mailing address, or mail a note to us at:

St. Valentine's Day Massacre
P.O. Box 53
La Caņada, California 91012