"BETTER...OR...WORSE? ONE...OR...TWO?"
Most of you have heard those dreaded words..."which is better...one or two, three or four, A or B?" "Now, is this better...or worse?" You sit there, in a darkened room, wondering if this guy is trying to trick you. THERE, that was real clear, why doesn't he just quit? OH, now it's blurry again! Does he know what he's doing? There's no way he'll get this prescription right. How much am I paying for all this abuse? Oh no, now they're all looking alike...and they're all bad! I should have kept that dental appointment.
"OK, Mrs. Doubty, we're finished with your refraction and it looks like your eyes have changed a little since last year. [Is he kidding? They will never be the same again after that!] "Did you say that you were getting more frequent headaches lately?" [I had forgotten about those, the biggest headache I have now is standing in front of me.] "It looks as though you may need some help with your reading." [Oh, now he's going to tell me I'm old and need bifocals...read this, Buster!] "It's all right, Mrs. Doubty, it's normal to notice some reading problems at this point." [At this point? He's talking about my age again...maybe I should fix the point on his head!]
"Mrs. Doubty, if you'll follow me down the hall we can test you for glaucoma and take some retinal photographs." [Maybe I should take his photograph and display it at the local post office.] "Now, you will feel a gentle puff of air on your eye and we'll get an instant pressure reading." [OK, couldn't be any worse than the pressure I've felt over the last twenty minutes.] "Keep real still, Mrs. Doubty." [WHOA...you call that gentle?! Last time I felt something like that was during hurricane Alicia.] "Your eye pressure is fine, now let's get some retinal photos. You will see a flash of light then an afterimage of a large blue ball, but there is nothing to be alarmed about." [Now he wants to blind me with a bright flash, after desiccating my corneas; why am I here?]
"OK, Mrs. Doubty, your eyes look healthy and it's just your reading problem that we need to address. Some form of bifocal would probably serve you best; would you like some assistance from one of my staff?" [I'd like assistance in finding the shortest route to my car, thank you.]
Certainly Mrs. Doubty is the rare case but she does ring a few familiar bells, I'm sure. The basic vision exam is neither uncomfortable nor as perplexing as Mrs. Doubty would have you believe. I will divulge a well kept secret to those of you with scheduled eye appointments so as to relieve at least some of your apprehension. During the refraction ("which is better?") the doctor will arrive at a point where his patient becomes indecisive and unable to see any difference in the choices. Ironically, this is the point he is looking for! When you become frustrated...he's got his answer! The whole refractive procedure is one of "bracketing". He's narrowing your choices to a certain end point. On the other hand, if the patient has an easy decision between "one" or "two", then your doc still has a way to go to reach that final end point.
The reference to the dental appointment may have been humorous but I have had several patients over the years tell me that they would rather go to the dentist than have their eyes examined. I no longer take it personally, I just try to insure them that, in this business, their frustration is virtue!