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Elderly Jokes

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty", he replied.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."<><>

More Elderly Jokes

An elderly couple had dinner at another  couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the  restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Southern Terms

Caint: Cannot. "Ah just caint understand why this checkbook won't balance."

You should see a man's face and also a word....
Hint: Try tilting your head to the right, the world begins with "L"

Robot Bartender

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
What's your IQ? The man replies 150 and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, bio mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, and
nano-technolog.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, This is really cool. He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, What's your IQ? The man responds, about 100. Immediately the robot starts talking, but this
time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, super models, favorite fast foods, guns, and naked women. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and
asks, What's your IQ?

The man replies, Er, 50, I think.

And the robot says...real s l o w l y, "So............... ya gonna vote for Hillary?"

In The Shower

Dumb State Laws

New Jersey = It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
(b) If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates. (LOL! it's no wonder why they don't drink and have fun - In fear of never getting a license plate again hehehe)
(c) You may not slurp your soup.

Bernards Township NJ
It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone."

Manville NJ
It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigaretters to animals at the local zoo.  (Then they wonder why the animals never have fun! It's no wonder look at the city MANville hmm I think they want all the fun for themselves!)

Newark NJ
It is illegal to sell ice creal after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor. 
(Better hope your dad is a doctor hehehe)

Sea Isle City NJ
There will be no boiling of bones on the property.
(They must be very superstitious)

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
(pass along to someone you know who is)

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember where you saw this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience!

WAY TO GO GRANDMA...

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too.

He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.

Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,

I'll send you to the electric chair."

No Dogs Allowed????

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

-Unknown