Welcome
to the Funny Farm 
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Welcome
to the Funny Farm |
| Ocala
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CREATION
A man said to
his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so
beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!  UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to
understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot
wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and
still be afraid of a spider!
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument
and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a
barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. |
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Southern
Terms
Show: Certainly. "It show is hot today." Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"   I
think I'll get myself a drink.
The
Silent Treatment
A man and his wife
were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent
treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it
where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is
5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. When it's spinning smoothly, stare at the center of the spiral for about a minute. Then look at the back of your hand... It will appear to be twitching and moving, as though bugs were crawling under your skin.  Dumb State LawsMontana - It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail. (LOL I do it all the time, guess I can't live there! hehehe) It is illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all. (Why? We're not allowed to have any fun?) Nebraska = If a child burps during church, his parents may be arrested. (Yeah, right and how are you supposed to stop your child from doing this ?? LOL ! It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. |
Again,
Men are not equipped
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........ including the curtain rods. I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????  |
 Keep Smiling "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"  Okay Then!
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on
vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed
away.The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead I just can't take that chance.  |